Living with my WAW 3

[SuperDad]

Dave,
Yeah, my goals...I am really struggling with this. On one hand, I do want my family to be put back together again, in a better way than before. On the other hand, I now see all of the compromises that I have made over the years and am starting to think how much better it would be to just be rid of her. I am afraid that I will become the real WAS. I have had several (really good) job offers out of town and it would be so easy to file for D and just go. If we did not have those two precious, innocent children, I am sure I would already have filed.

Now the hard part, where does that leave me? What are my goals?

To start with, my goals from March (and there status) were:

High Level: Develop a strategy which has the best chance of resulting in a happy future for me, my wife, and our children, whether that is with us in a marriage or divorced.

Goals focused on me:

1. Be a happier, healthier, more attractive person by doing things for me
a. race in a triathlon - run and swim min. 3 times per week (DONE/ON-GOING), then race in a 10k .(TO BE DONE) , then buy a bike for my 40th bday in Aug.(TO BE DONE-bike is picked out and I will order this week) and enter race in the fall. .(TO BE DONE)
b. spend less of my free time thinking about work and politics and more on fitness and music. Get my old violin from my brother, buy a violin for Austin for his birthday (ACCOMPLISHED/ON-GOING)
c. find a new style - hair, clothes? - start looking at internet, magazines for ideas by end of March. (DONE/ON-GOING)

2. Be a great dad to my kids by spending more time with them doing things they want to do (see no. 10) and by
a. helping them more with school, Could still do more here
b. reading to them, Esp. with S8 doing this regularly, trying more with S6 as well
c. working with them on activities such as biking, soccer, violin helped coach S8 soccer, teaching him violin, need to do more with S6

3. Create a great career opportunity for me in Austin. (First choice: Convince current Co. to set up an office in Austin. First step submit business plan for review by March 31) NOT ACHIEVED, NEED TO REFOCUS ON A NEW GOAL

4. Live a bit more for today and stop worrying so much about the future
a. Suggest to go out to eat whenever W is uncertain about what to cook and when I just feel like it. (DONE)
b. Buy cut flowers for the house every week. (DONE)
Rented a hotel room at the beach for 2 days on the way to TX with no input from W, a first.

Goals focused on the way W and I interact:
5. Be supportive of W by helping more around the house
a. make bed in morning, (Aug 2007 accomplished)
b. fold clothes, (Aug 2007 accomplished)
c. wash dishes in evening, (Aug 2007 accomplished)
d. sweep floor, (SOMETIMES, but less than at first)
e. suggest that we eat out more. (Aug 2007 accomplished, but we are spending $ faster than I earn it, need to refocus somehow)
f. help in planning/preparing meals more. (NEEDS WORK)

6. Leave work by 5:05 every day and use the time to work on the above. (Aug 2007 >75% accomplished, but slipping)

7. Give W space and time to be herself, work through her mid life crisis. Do not discuss our relationship unless she brings it up. (Aug 2007 only 3 times in 4 months did we discuss R. This has definitely helped as she has not in this entire time said that she feels like she wants to run away.) Do not tell her I love her. (Aug 2007 accomplished -seems to have lowered the stress level so far)

8. Empathize when she talks about problems, do not try to solve them. (Aug 2007 - ACCOMPLISHED/ON-GOING but she does not talk much to me anymore about her problems)

9. When W talks to me, stop everything else, look into her eyes, and just listen. (Aug 2007 - Doing this half-heartedly, need to improve and focus on this.)

10. Do not push W/the kids: Only do (recreational) things with them that they are enthusiastic about. (Aug 2007 – doing much better on this, but I also have been having trouble working with S8 on violin without having him get upset with me and vice versa. Need to work on this. Same with S6 on bike riding.)

Goals related to the changes I want to see (progress monitoring)
11. W will initiate conversations with me voluntarily. (Happening, but not progressing to anything else??)

12. Get a complement from W at least once a week. ( Not Happening, but she is saying thanks a lot more)

13. W suggest that we do something alone as a couple together. (by end of May) (she asked me to go out with her twice, once in April and once in May, nothing since then, maybe related to our stress over the move and then not to Austin.)

14. W question her judgment that marriage is not for her and that she does not want a lifelong commitment. (how to judge this??) (by end of summer) (Aug 2007 – she has not asked for a divorce, but also not working on M)

15. W find me attractive again. (Judge based upon statements she makes or showing physical desire towards me such as unprompted touching, try to hug or kiss me, etc.) (show some progress by end of May) (Aug 2007 NOT ACCOMPLISHED except for some small touches in the past 2 weeks, initiated by me.)

16. Develop a more honest, open relationship with W in which we can directly address our emotional, financial, and physical needs/concerns. (Long term goal - by end of year) (Aug 2007 SOME PROGRESS on being able to discuss/resolve issues, need to try this with financial situation)

Basically, I have done nearly all that I set out to do in March, but have seen very little positive change in my W. I can only guess why:
1. She is really done and there is nothing left to do.
2. She is suffering from depression and until she gets help, there is nothing I can do.
3. She is in MLC/obsessed with her EA. Once this progresses further, there may be other opportunities, but for now, there is little I can do to get her to work on our R.
4. Some combination of above.

I am thinking that it is probably 2. and 3., but could be 1., 2. and 3. Now, to refocus on my new goals....
SD