My marriage is hopeless VI

[Hope_11]

Scott,

Despite their Daddy's lack of knowledge about equestrian sports we all had a good time.

Glad to hear you had a good time. That's the good thing about a 5 year old...she's just glad to spend time with her Daddy...your lack of knowledge doesn't matter in the least bit.

I live 35 miles south of the city and just barely across the border so I am not far from some rural areas.

Sounds like you have a long commute just like me. I have a 45 mile commute to my work and actually live in the country.

Tonight I actually thought it might have been funny if I bought a hog from the auction so that I could let it loose in my W's new place to see how she feels about having her place soiled like her puppy is doing to mine.

That would be funny.

I have always done my best to not let my work interfer with my family time.

Me too...I used to get up at 4:30 in the morning to study before work, so I could get home by 6 and cook dinner every night. I thought I was doing good...H obviously didn't think it was enough.

I find it amazing that my W did not even know she was unhappy until this SOB came into the picture.

Not that this is going to make you feel any better, but my H didn't know that he was unhappy either until this conniving, manipulative b$tch came into the picture. It seems that it is all too common.

[EmtnRllrCstr]

Hope,

Don't know if I ever mentioned this but Hope is my C name. Writing your name made me think of that.

Sounds like you have a long commute just like me. I have a 45 mile commute to my work and actually live in the country.

Yeah, my commute is long. But unlike you I get to ride a commuter train every day. I typically use my time on the train to read or journal.

...I used to get up at 4:30 in the morning to study before work, so I could get home by 6 and cook dinner every night.

Though I do not mind cooking, I miss having a nice dinner ready when I get home from work. My girls dinner time is when I walk in the door so I am always running around preparing something for them when I get home.

I thought I was doing good...H obviously didn't think it was enough.

You did good, your H is just a fool.

Not that this is going to make you feel any better, but my H didn't know that he was unhappy either until this conniving, manipulative b$tch came into the picture. It seems that it is all too common.

Why don't you tell me how you really feel about the OW
This unfortunately is the theme to a lot of broken M's that I have heard about lately. There is always another person involved, but the D is never about the OP according to the WAS. This is why God made M to be between two people not three. Once our S's get over the euphoric bliss with the OP and truely see them for who they are, they are going to have their bubble collaspe on them and will hit rock bottom hard.

Journaling:
After a few weeks of trying to teach my D5 to ride her bike she got it tonight. She rode her bike for the first time tonight without any help from training wheels or me. It was awesome to be apart of this and my STBXW had nothing to do with it. This was between Daddy and his little girl.

Looks like my W is going to be out of the house in a few short weeks. It is kind of bitter sweet at this point. I will nolonger be able to see my little girls everyday, but then again I won't have my WAW around. It gets me everytime I think about not seeing my girls on a daily basis. I guess this next month is going to be another emotional roller coaster of sorts for me. Just getting used to not having my girls around all the time is going to be tough.

Last night at the fair I almost startetd to cry watching them on the rides being care free and having fun. I love watching them smile and laugh.

My oldest is really starting to growup. She was great helping me out with her little sister yesterday.

I wish there was something that I could do so they did not have to growup in a broken home like this. But the only control I have is when they are with me.

Take Care,
Scott

[Hope_11]

Scott,

Why don't you tell me how you really feel about the OW

Whoops, I guess I was a little to blunt.

There is always another person involved, but the D is never about the OP according to the WAS.

Another lie from the WAS's...my H didn't leave me for OW...it doesn't have anything to do with her...or at least that is what he has always told me.

This is why God made M to be between two people not three.

Exactly, H told me he didn't want anyone to get hurt. I told him he should have thought of that before he started the A. There are 3 people involved when there should only be 2.

I wish there was something that I could do so they did not have to growup in a broken home like this. But the only control I have is when they are with me.

You are a great father. There is nothing that you can do about your wife...you did your best to save your marriage and keep your family together and never forget that. All we can do is offer a WAS a second chance and we both did that...they are just too weak to accept the challenge. All you can do is make the time that you spend with your girls the best it can and it seems like you do a great job with that.

[EmtnRllrCstr]

Hope,

Whoops, I guess I was a little to blunt.

No, worries this is the place to vent and tell how you feel. I personally do not think very highly of my W's OM. He is a piece of sh!@. I have had to hold my tongue and keep my thoughts about him to myself a bit especially when I talked to his W in the past. I remember starting to say something to her about him(obviously not flattering for him) and I had to remember that she married the poor guy and it wasn't that flattering for her either. So I stopped myself from saying what I really thought to her.

Another lie from the WAS's...my H didn't leave me for OW...it doesn't have anything to do with her...or at least that is what he has always told me.

This is straight from the WAS 101 syllabus. They all use this line.

All you can do is make the time that you spend with your girls the best it can and it seems like you do a great job with that.

Thanks for the kind words....I do try to make the most of my time with my girls. When my girls are older I want them to be able to think fondly of me and cherish our times and what I have taught them.

[EmtnRllrCstr]

Why can't she leave me alone.... Pretend that I am not here.... ignore me.....whatever she needs to do so that I do not have to hear that I am the screw up in this M.....I really think that I am starting to hate her.

Here is part of our conversation from this morning:

W- Do I really get on your nerves and really bother you like it seems? Why?
M - You nolonger get the benefit of the doubt with me so your actions and comments do bother me.
W - Why did you give the facial expression when I asked you if you changed XXXXX diaper.
M - Because it was how you asked it. I felt you were accusing me of not caring for my kid. I felt her diaper and she was fine. Besides you got her out of bed this morning, why did you not change it?
W - You know you nolonger get the benefit of the doubt with me either. You still do not see how badly you have been treating me the last few weeks.
M - How have I been treating you? I stay out of your way and try not to engage you in conversation? How am I treating you badly?
W - All those mean things you said to me the otherday(referring to her walking in on me venting when I thought she had left for the day) And you yelling at me on the phone the other day.
M - I said those things when I believed you to not be around and our conversation on the phone the otherday you raised your voice to me and sucked me into an argument.

The conversation continued to her blaming me for driving her towards D because I kept screwing up over the last 6 months... I told her that she has been gone ever since she fell in love with OM. I did not push her to him. What was I supposed to do sitback and let my W run around on me?

Some of my mistakes over the last few months from my W's point of view:
- Asking her to leave the house while A continued.
- Accused her of being with OM.
- Snooped and found proof she a R with OM.(Invasion of privacy.)
- I talked to OM W.

I don't know anymore....this just seems to get worse as time goes on. I really think that this might get uglyer than it already is.

One thing that I have noticed is that my W's venom seems to come out after I have a goodtime with our girls while she is at work. Last night I went to the fair again with my friend as his kids. We had a great time. Today, I get this. This past weekend I brought our girls away for the weekend and had a great time. Then I get the wonderful converastion on my cell phone Monday night. The first time I brought my girls camping, I got yelled at by her while she was still at work because I had my girls at my parents house after we got home from camping.

Is this is a pattern that I should expect her to follow? This really sucks. This the bed that she laid and it gets taken out on me. I really hope this gets easier quickly.

Take Care,
Scott

[mkultra]

What a loaded conversation! Sounds like a script from my life. I always feel like my H is criticizing my parenting withhis huffs and puffs. We do not talk like beginners yet. Aim for talking like a beginner. Imagine you met a new woman who you would like to fall in love with your family. Only it is your wife and you who are the beginners.

[EmtnRllrCstr]

Mkultra,

I hear what you are saying, it makes sense. Though I find myself in conversations that I really do not want to be having with my W because I know how they will turn out. I guess this is a 180 that I need to make. I bet if I do not allow her to bother me it will drive her crazy. She does know me well and knows that her words cut right to the core of me. I sometimes think we need time apart before we can start even trying, as you said, to talk like beginners.


I had a real interesting day yesterday. It started off with my interactions with my W in the morning which got me upset. Then I ended up hanging out with my one friends(whose W cheated on him twice) most of the afternoon and night.

Hopefully I can write all that occured yesterday coherently for everyone. My W yesterday brought our girls to my friends campground where he has a camper setup for the summer. She meet up with her girlfriend and her girlfriends sister. Guess what? They all are infidels, maybe this was an IA meeting. Who knows. So my W was with my friends W(whom I hungout with yesterday) and her sister with all our kids. I have no idea what was said and done there. Now for the interesting part.

Once my friend got to my house we went and grabbed a bite to eat. During lunch I listened to him for the most part and asked him a bunch of questions probing for what he knows about what his W has done in the past. They for the second time in their M are seperated because his W needs space. This time she admitted that there was OM(3 times now) that she was talking to and that they were just friends. After talking to him for a while I finally told him what I knew about the previous 2 acts of betrayl by his W. Now knowing this and from talking with me yesterday I believe he is going to finally stop pursueing his W. I gave him my DR book and told him to read through it twice. I also made him promise me that he would not make any decisions inregards to the new info that I gave until he sleeps on it for 48hrs and until we can get together again to talk about whatever he decides to do. I warned him that there is no magic bullet for getting through this and making your W comeback and work on your M. I can only help him with what I have read and experianced. Ultimately he needs to make a decisions that he can live with. I said to him you need to be able to look at yourself and your kids and know that you did what was best for them and yourself.

I do have to be careful in how I talk to him and the advice that I am giving him. He even mentioned that I was a like a mentor to him and he respects what I have to say. I am glad that he trusts me but I do not want to say anything that will hurt his chance at reconciling wit his W, I also want to help him.

He did tell me a lot about what my W was telling his W while they were still together. He also told me his W's point of view on my sitch from when she was still at home. I guess my W was starting to get on his W nerves because everyday when she called the conversation was all about my W. My W is also really insecure about her friendships...really about losing friends. I guess there was one day that my W was telling his W that she felt that their friendship was drifting.....He did not know everything my W said, but, his W ended up getting loud with my W telling her she was acting crazy. I guess my W can still drive others away with her insecurities. I know that in our M I have held her more then once while she cried about a percieved loss of a friendship.

I hope all is well with everyone. Happy Sunday!

Take Care,
Scott

[Kali]

He even mentioned that I was a like a mentor to him and he respects what I have to say. I am glad that he trusts me but I do not want to say anything that will hurt his chance at reconciling wit his W, I also want to help him.

Scott,

I think this is a good thing to do, sounds like you are helping your friend out in a very caring and careful manner. I am sure your W has to see the changes in you, if your friend is seeing it. Right now, it is all just about the waiting game.

[mkultra]

I wonder about these band of friends and their infidelities. There must be some sort of culture of compliance that does not exist amongst my friends. We have a tendency to judge those folks and mhy H used to be one of us but no longer. I have also given the DR to friends who are shocked about my sitch because our R seemed more stable than theirs. If anything, we can bust our friends' divorces!

Warning-Do not lower yourself to your W's level! You may be surrounded by infidels but keep your integrity. Do not think what is good for the gander is good for the goose. No. Remember how your kids will look back and think of you. Do we want to think of our own parents as cheaters and swingers or as loyal, faithful people. I know we are only human but you need to surround yourself with some real people who do not sleep around.

[SuperDad]

Scott,
Back to your interactions with your W. This was a bit of a backslide, but also gives you a good opportunity to contrast with some 180s. From now on:

1. Do not defend yourself, just validate her emotions.

2. Where appropriate (like your venting about her) appologize. (good job on that)

3. Do NOT snoop.

4. Do not worry about OM, he is a speck of dirt on the floor. You should just step over him and focus on your life.

5. DETACH, lovingly. I think the second part may be the hardest in your/my sitches. Esp. when she is emotional, you need to just validate, keep a PMA, and not let her mood affect you AT ALL!

Nobody said it would be easy or fun, but it is the only way out of this sitch with your integrity and self-respect in tact.

SD