CVA - Angels vs. Devils

[alk24]

Just sitting here firing off a bunch of advice myself (who knows if it is any good? )

Well, you've been at it longer than I have and seem to have your "stuff" together.

[Not Much Left]

Hey BB

You know I have been in this sitch 3 other times. I actually found a card buried in a book I had bought called "When Anger Hurts" in my attempt to understand my biggest downfall the last time we went thru this 2 yrs ago.

The card read just as I would write it today. Amazing I am so stupid as to fall back into this when I realized it all the last time we were here. No excuses from me, just foolishness

[alk24]

But you are trying and learning from your mistake. I think that's commendable, even if you mess up and backslide.

[Handful of Rain]

Hey CVA, haven't heard from you for a while, but saw that you posted on Strange's thread, so I decided to check yours out, and I started at the beginning, and noticed a big similarity, as you probably don't know, me and the W, are now friends, the signs have begun to show, and my PMA is hitting, all time highs.

But, I also thought I might have kind of pushed her a little this week, I hugged her and gave her a small peck on the cheek, one day, and she hugged back, and my DD11 said that she was smiling all the way home, and in a great mood all day long, after that. Then the next day we met, for another family outing, but it turned out to be more of a talk about our R, (kind of my fault there, but we both survived it, and left in good spirits) I did hug her that day as well, but then since I was feeling so good, I asked her to hold hands, which she said no to, I didn't really push much, after that. instead I decided to just keep things on a friendly level, and told W later that I was sorry, I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable, and told her that I only wanted to be friends, best friends if possible, and she said OK, to the friends, but the best friend thing, she didn't know about, so I just left it alone.

But since then she has really started to open up to me about the her money sitch and that the OM is really not helping her, and confirming what an A$$ I know him to be, I know that she isn't ready to admit it to herself, yet. So at this point, and I want to know if you agree with me, I think I should just back off the physical stuff, even though, according to the kids, it does make her happy and puts a smile on her face to know that I want to touch her, also I can tell from her voice when she is happy with me, and just keep going with being a good friend, and even though she looks like she needs it, and sometimes good friend do it, refrain from hugging her. What do you think? Take Care.

[Not Much Left]

I think that slow and steady wins the race! So, despite what she is saying about not wanting further contact i.e. holding hands, she probably does but does not want to rush it. Hard to believe from our pt of view that is rushing it, as people on 1st dates hold hands, but in our sitches, the WAW may think, "if I let him do that, he may think things are OK, they are not and I am still in control dammit!, I walked away!! and cannot admit that I have feelings for that jerk again" Just my interpretation of what could be happening.

So I would keep doing the hugs because YOU KNOW based on what your kid says that it makes her feel good, keep doing it but slowly. Dont ask for the handhold or whatever, it sounds like it just may happen on its own.

Good luck Rain, good to hear from you.

[Puddle]

Hi CVA,

I'm new to the site, and I just wanted to tell you that reading your thread has helped me. I was in the absolute pits, and reading about all the stuff you're doing for yourself---and your humor, which really comes through---put a smile on my face, so thank you for that. I hope things continue to look up for you!

[Handful of Rain]

Thanks a lot CVA, You know I've been wondering about that, since it happened, and finding your thread, and seeing that you've been there/are there, was a Godsend.

The bad thing is that, now I am in the phase of starting to watch the new life she so desperately wanted fall, and I think we both know it is coming soon, and it is going to completely devastate her, This is very hard to do, So the more I see her, the more I want to comfort her, and hold her. The closer I get to her, since as you do know that the contact since this all started has been so non-existent, I want to make the most of the time that we do get together, and I never want to let her go, again. But I know what you said about being slow, that is the only way to continue to build things up, so that is what I am going to do, I am going to let her come to me, physically, and hold off, my stronger emotions of wanting to touch her.

I agree that it should come natural to her, but like you said she has to think that she is in control, I am treating this as we are friends, nothing more, yet. But deep down I know that we are. I guess you could say that we are both holding back, a little, now, not knowing exactly what the other wants, but the truth is deep down we do. It really is kind of like when we first met, This whole sitch, reminds me of it, so much, when we met, I lived with my mom, and here I am living with my mom, when we first met, I didn't have a job, and was trying to get into school, and here I am still looking for work, and trying to get into a school, Man, talk about Deja Vu, I guess the past really does repeat itself, sometimes. Take care.

[Not Much Left]

Hey Rain & Puddle
Thanks for your kind words and our interaction will help all of us.

Puddle
I will read up on your sitch, getting late so I am going to go to bed soon. W & Kids are in Dallas and tomorrow is a big day!

Rain
Keep on going bro, I really see a lot of promise in your description, just dont get ahead of yourself.

I will share one thing w/ you guys. The last time this happened I was on the phone w/ W, never gave up the ILY's (from me) then one day, about 2 mos into it, I say ILY and she says it back. It unfolded from there. There is always hope guys. From the books, I can tell the right thing to do now is not to push too hard cuz it actually can come back together too quickly. We men are fixers and doers, I have learned that, women generally (for all you women reading) need time to think about it and then take action. I think we are the other way around. Fix, then think.

FWIW.

Goodnight guys.

[Handful of Rain]

CVA, Thanks again for your advice, and yes I agree that we men are fixers, and that quality is one that I have had a hard time trying to hold back. I've wanted to fix this, since it happened, and have been working on it, then realized that to fix it, I have to fix me, first. And that part, while the repair is going good, is not up to par, just yet. I know that I can't move back in with my wife, this time. I have to go it alone, for a while, and prove to myself, that I can make it, without her.

So I totally understand about things moving too quickly, if the same problems within one's self still exist, then the chances of things breaking again, is a very good one. My W, knows that I do not want to move back in with her, I would rather, when the time is right, have her move in with me. but first we have to remain friends, get rid of the OM, and all other biased outsiders (parents, friends, co workers, etc.) of the equation as much as possible. and rebuild our love for one another. That is going to take some time, the baby steps help, to reassure me, but I know that it still could be years, before we are a family, again.

I am just going to continue doing what I've been doing, working on me, being a father to my kids, being friends with her, letting her come to me, helping her when I can, holding on to my faith, and letting her make her own decisions, even though, I know that the hardest part, will be watching her fall, which is inevitable, and probably coming toward the end of the year, as she gets closer to term with the baby. No matter whose baby it is, I still love her, Though, at this point, I don't really think anyone, including the W, is really sure whose it is. (talk about your perfect Maury show storyline, hope I don't get dragged on there, in front of the world, LOL) What I do know is that the OM, is not really claiming it, doesn't even act like it's his, doesn't/hasn't been helping her with the medical bills, or any bills for that matter, other than the ones, that benefit him for his own selfish needs, like her car insurance (They put his new car in her name, so she could get cheaper insurance on it, because of her age, so to pay his, he has to pay hers) and cellphone, (I told her to give back the cellphone that I got her, So I believe to keep tabs on her, he went out and got her one, but according to the kids, only he and her mom, have the number) She told me all of that, it came straight from her mouth, and it is what the kids have been telling me it for quite a while, now. So I know it's the truth.

Well, Take care.

[Not Much Left]

Have a good one Rain, off to workout!