w has now called twice since, one to ask what i was doing tonight, and asked if she could borrow my phone charger. told her she could but that i wouldn't be here, so let herself in and she could get it, after that she backed out. said she wanted s though, could she pick him up. still think she wanted to just see me, so i said sure i'm dropping him at my parents for the night and she could get him there. she said ok.
well later i get a call and she makes it a point to tell me that she is having friends over tonight and can't get him, said no problem the grandparents wanted time with him. then she asked if she could pick him up in the morning her mother and her are going to breakfast. this will be interesting.
she was almost in tears the second call, and i'm being way too cold, but i can't deal with her anymore. my whole day revolves around her and her schedule and i have had enough. i need to do more gal, but probably stop the cold bit, but it is so hard when i'm this pissed.
got s a new bedroom set today since w took it all, he is really excited about it. i'm sure he will show it off tomorrow to mil and w, that will be a moment to watch.
Anyway, smooth it out bud. Your right, she takes you on this ride of hers too much so it is up to you to figure out how to keep it smooth while not being pissed. I think if you can show her the Rock, but a pleasant Rock, it will work wonders.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
fil called tonight, and started the convo with saying how sad he was that we were having a rough time, told me that he is there for me, but that he is biased, etc...and loves me. said he knows how hard this is due to his d years ago, saying it still isn't settled.
then he asks if i think there is any hope. i laid it out there, told him i loved her, wanted to work things out and wanted to be with her. then he tells me that she says there is no hope, and that he will be arriving thursday and helping her file if thats what she wants.
he then asks if i would be willing to sit down with him and w, bring my father and the four of us good work out how the d will go down. i told him no, said first off, i'm not involving my family in this, second w and i are adults and anything we can't work out can be handled through mediation, third, we already split the assets, debts, etc. i asked what was left to work out. he said well w says you can't agree on child custody and asked what i want. i said all i want is my s 50% of the time. he obviously had not heard that, since he said, well that is fair whey won't she agree with that. said i didn't know. i told him that i wouldn't meet since it is already worked out, and not that i'm trying to avoid it, but she has to file if she wants this. he asked if i was going to fight her. i said as long as she files on the terms we have discussed i wouldn't have a problem signing it at all.
he then asked if i would at least agree to a beer with him on thursday or friday. i said sure i would love to. i asked how his w was doing and she wasn't well, paid my condolences and said tell her i love her.
dumb move, but then i called w about 30 minutes later. asked her why she was doing it this way and getting everyone involved. she said she can't handle it and needs support. broke down and told her how i felt, she said she wasn't completely sure yet but would think it over for the next few days before her father arrived. she said she just didn't think it was fixable and i told her we could do it together if we were both committed. she said she would think and left it at that.
well my father stopped by, went over everything with him. so the only reason i can think that my fil would ask if i thought there was hope is because he wants to try and save this if possible.
i have made a decision though. w is too far gone and i'm starting to fear she into something that i don't know about and its not an affair.
i'm done, the only way i will committ to this at this point is if she says she wants it and is willing to committ. if i get the lets try counseling because my family asked, i'm not doing it. i either get the ily, i want this to work, lets fix it or i'm done. thinking back over the last year, she has basically stopped the ily's, the entire relationship i can count on one hand the number of i'm sorry's. she has always resented that i did graduate school and that we financially struggled during that time. most w's would be proud and happy with the future to come. i never got gratitude, thank you's, nothing. she contidioned me to respond a lot of the way i did. so what i went fishing one weekend, went twice this year, and that is enough to say i'm gone all the time. that is crap. i don't need a w like that, and i don't want a w like that. i deserve better and this couldn't happen at a better time, just starting out after school, just pen'd the new job. i'm going to get myself set up and pay down some debt. then when it is right i'll start dating and this time with a good head on my shoulders of what matters.
Atlas. Sometimes when I read your posts, I feel a special commoraderie with you. I am sorry that you are in this place. As I am sorry I am too. Hang in there bro. I know that no matter how all this plays out you will come out the other end a better person, just as I plan too. Sometimes I wish you were living down the block from me, then we could hang out, and offer more support than type written words. Sucks that all of this could not even come from her. What can I say??? Hang tough!
A Sorry to hear this, truly sorry. It still sounds like the roller coaster and I would guess your pal Nomo and friends would agree. One minute she says one thing, the next she gets daddy involved? Says I dont know, she will think about it after you lay it out there?
Hmmm. My advice is again, just detach and let her come to you and do this. I dont think she will. Tomorrow is another day bro, get some sleep.
The worst thing that could happen is that you did not give it YOUR all which you are trying to do. Dont mess it (your effort) at the end, just cuz she is still working things out and sounds like she has a long way to go.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
i'm starting to fear she into something that i don't know about and its not an affair.
I'm guessing you're suspecting drugs? May well be, but you may be jumping to conclusions prematurely. What if she really is this confused? Could be as simple and as complex as that.
I think you're right, for your own sanity, you've got to step away for a bit. However, I suspect you're still in love with her. Steel_box had an interesting take on his feelings, something to the effect of taking those warm, loving feelings for his W and locking them inside himself in a steel box, to retrieve when things go better.
You'll be OK. Better than OK.
And congrats on the new job.
Hang in there, Atlas.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
i appreciate the words of encouragement. i'm actually doing pretty well when i'm not dealing with her. i'm not giving up, i'm going to be honest with fil on our "meeting."
i just have to remember that this is her choice, and her action. i'm pretty sure it is coming, there is nothing to stop it now. oh, by the way w mentioned that now that fil wants us to fix it, mil wants us to d. mil is still so pissed off over her d, 20 years later. poor lady, i wish she could see it from an outside perspective.
well i'm doing well, things can only go up, i either have my family home and things work, which i doubt, or i'm about to embark on the single life and i'll be fine. i have a good job coming, good money in the future with an option to purchase. things for me are only going to go up.
I hope you don't give up until you're 100% sure that the m is not salvageable. This would be a good time to distance yourself from w as much as possible- let the phone go to voice mail, don't call her unless absolutely necessary. Let her have time to think. If you're worried that she's into something like drugs or some other destructive behavior, maybe you can bring it up to her father or another family member or mutual friend and have them check it out.
Be sure to strap yourself in on this rollercoaster ride!
allright, there is no contact. not today outside of pick up and non tomorrow on my part.
she picked s up this morning, w came in and saw the new bedroom set i bought him. funny how i take my extra cash and put it towards s and she puts her towards a new car. well w was really excited about it and i thought i was going to get a hug for a sec, but then she turned. haha.
mil stayed in the running car the whole time, now she is totally against me, as per w's words. well i went out and greeted her and asked how she was doing. put s in the car seat and told them all to have fun day. mil seemed sort of puzzled by my actions of being upfront and kind.
ok, so i agreed to a beer with fil this coming thurs or fri. which is really the meeting since i won't sit down with w, fil, my father and me. we are grown up snad i'm not bringing others into this that don't need to be. but here is the deal, i'm thinking of meeting with w and fil, myself.
my problem is can i say this is a settlement negotitation and therefore not admissable into court??? i have a few attorney friends and now enough, but i don't think this will fly. but fil said he was lost on how to file this and could use my help. so if it is going to happen i think i can make things as amicable as possible if i take the reins and handle it.
my plan is to set the rules up front, we agree on things great, things we don't we take to a mediator, no attorney's. were pretty much divided on all assets already, so it shouldn't be a problem. also i think this could be a good db'ing move, i keep my cool and show that i'm ready and she will see that hmmm h is ready to move on without me.
either way the "meeting" will happen, even though it is sort of substitute, but i did agree to meet with fil for a beer, so figure that is the meeting. might as well make it as easy for her as i can and if she wants it get it done. this way i can be the filer and not feel like i filed also.
i figure we both still have to jump through the whole thing and it will take at least 60-90 days, that is plenty of time to db.
so our financial paths may not be similar 