There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

see, I don't think its awkward for them in bed at all...I think its wonderful and cozy and fun. for them, at least. I keep trying to remind myself that no relationship is sunshine and roses 24/7, but I just can't seem to really believe it...I figure eventually they will have issues, but right now, I don't think they do. oh well, out of my hands.

I'm in a weird mood today. just mulling stuff over...not sad, not happy, just deep in thought. we were up in nh at my parent's house all day and usually I can jump on the razor scooter they have there and feel great...I swear doing kid stuff is great therapy sometimes. my son and I trade it off and I usually end up feeling exhilerated, but not today. don't get me wrong, we had fun, but I just can't seem to shake this. so guessing I need to stop trying to snap out of it, do some journaling and work out whatever is on my mind.

mk, you sound sooo strong and together. you really do. and upbeat. I feel like I've been where you are, but am not there right now. I'm back at the stage where I pick myself apart. your point about how you both were supposed to grow old and joke about your bodies aging gave me pause. because its true...it is. at 40, no matter what I weigh or what kind of shape I am in, I will never have the body I had at 20. especially after 3 babies. maybe I am too critical, or maybe its a girl thing, who knows, but I always figured hey, H loves me, loves my body, doesn't matter if it gets old and wrinkly and such. we're supposed to laugh at the changes, but still love each other.

I'm a warts and all kind of lover...truly, it didn't matter when H put on weight with each of my pregnancies (yes, he did, which is funny, guess he wanted to keep me company as I waddled around, lol). I loved it when he lost the weight, but honestly it didn't matter that he hadn't. it didn't matter that some personality traits bugged me, it was the whole package that I loved.

I guess I just thought I had the same in return from him. I guess I saw us as this infallible team, one that loved each other for and in spite of many things. and one that could never be broken. and now, for some reason, all I see is the things I don't like about myself. they scream at me. some I've changed, I wanted to, but other's I can't change. no-one is perfect, I know I won't be...its not possible. but it seems like I feel like every minute flaw has a beacon of light shining down on it, amplified for all to see.

can't wait for this phase to pass. seriously. I want to feel emboldened again. hey, I've never dyed my hair, either! not sure what color I would choose...I'm blonde, always wanted jet black hair, but know it would look horrific with my coloring. so maybe dying my hair isn't the thing to do, but maybe I need to figure out something else.

okay, in spite of this rather dull and depressing post, I did enjoy the toilet paper cover nose thing...I can't even picture it, but it made me smile. I guess I was blessed...had dry-ish, skin, even in high school (yep, the only kid who used moisturizer, not acne stuff). am paying for it now, am getting lines around my eyes that are really bothering me. people still tell me I look a lot younger than my age, but again, beacon of light toward that flaw, it just feels huge.

well, enough rambling. I should be in bed, hoping to get out the door with the kids by 5am or so. ouch. funny, a month ago that wouldn't have made me even blink an eye, but I've started sleeping again.

oooh, before I go, had another thought. you say your H sees the changes in you. I don't think mine does. and I think I figured that out. maybe. someone described H's like mine as walking around in a fog. I love that description, because it really does seem to fit. he's so self-absorbed, self-centered, that he can't see that far in front of him. and when he blows up at me like he did the other day, when I had done nothing, the fog thing even makes more sense. I just envision him in his fog, not liking what he's hearing (for instance, that s5 might benefit from seeing a play therapist), and instead of facing the reason that he doesn't like it...the fact that he is causing it...he strikes out at me, the person who brought it up. its like he's just missed the mark. does that make sense? it does to me. don't know if its right or wrong, but it seems to fit for me.

well, enough rambling. g'night all. will try to stay strong, and figure out what I want out of life.