If I thought I was at a loss before, I'm learning a new definition now. I'm going to vent now, so please bear with me.
DH was finally ready to talk, told me he's lacking something with me that he believes is either there or it's not---no work to do. He said he loves me dearly, is grateful to me, needs my help figuring out what to do. I asked specifically what he'd like me to do, and he said he honestly hadn't thought about it, had expected me to ask him to leave the house or sleep in the kids' room, tell me I never want to see his face again, or something. I said I wouldn't do those things, that I'm glad he's here.
He said he feels strong friendship for me, and that this new development shouldn't affect that. Whether I should have or not, I told him that for me, our friendship was based on trust, and that's been shaken. (What I was thinking was I've lost a huge amount of respect for you, you *#&(*#$#%@, and I'll never trust you again.) He said he's happy to stay in the house and be friends and coparents, but he needs to know that I'll let him out of the obligation to be my husband. I reflected back what he said and said, "I know I'll be fine whatever happens, and you're going to do what you need to to be happy, but it's not what I want." He wants to stop feeling "awkward" (read: guilty), and he's glad to know that I'm okay. He said he's noticed the changes I've been making and he's happy to see that I'm the strong woman he married.
He asked if I can see a time in the future when I'll be able to look back on this and say it's what I needed (he wants me to be happy, can't give me what I need, hopes someone else can). Maybe another no-no, but I said I may very well be happy someday, stronger, etc etc, but that I'll never thank him for it. He stood there offering to hug me but I couldn't.
I didn't cry and I stayed calm, but I'm utterly losing it. I'm hardly keeping it together. I feel like being strong is just letting him off the hook. I know the alternative isn't good, either, but this is just not okay. He gets to stay in the house, keep the option of meeting someone else open, know that I'm fine, and keep this friendship he values so highly? Where, pray tell, is the justice in that? I know there isn't any, but man alive. I just feel like he's throwing me in front of the train to save himself.
The worst part is, right now I feel like if he changed his mind I'd tell him to #$*& off. I wish I could trade places with him for five minutes. If he was able to keep this up after that, I'd be done.
I know lots of you have been through this and worse, but our calmness about the whole thing makes it feel so very final. As he was talking I was thinking, oh my god, this is really happening.
I don't know what to do with this anger, which is only protecting me from the hurt. This just has to get better. Oh help.
