bar...I totally understand what your saying...I was loyal and trusted for over 25 yrs. and he told me the same thing...not happy for years, thought about leaving for years, actually did leave for a few...had an A...found the perfect woman...and the list goes on...
Trust is an issue in the beginning...no doubt about that...but it really is OUR issue...I didn't make my H "PROVE" anything to me...but in time he saw that he NEEDED to be accountable as to what, where, who, how, and when things were happening with him so that I would know...
But it really didn't take long for us to have that trust again...and I say us because he didn't trust me with his feelings, his emotions, his deepest thinkings...I know to us there is no comparison to that and an A but to the it is still trust...yes, you life is more important then anything and you shouldn't self-destruct to prove your love...I certainly didn't...I became stronger and better...more sure of myself...
I know that trusting in something to find out it was all a fake on the other persons part is really emotionally shattering...but my H tells me now that things were not as he stated...while he had been unhappy for a long time...it wasn't THAT long like he said and it wasn't ALL with me...this does help to put things in perspective...
Mkultra what I can tell you is that jealousy and others should not be used to get the attention of your H...you should not use another person to "get over" your marriage or anyone...it isn't fair to them and it certainly isn't fair to you...I am sure you don't like hurting someone and if you did get over H with OM and found he wasn't really someone you wanted to spend your life with but he felt you were...then obviously someone would get hurt...dating shouldn't be a game...and it isn't for M persons...even though your H is doing it 2 wrongs never add up to a right...
Your not dating and acting single while H is says that you have morales, value your own word and what you said in your vows, that you don't NEED someone to make you happy...GAL is finding your OWN happiness...doing things that are good for YOU...and your H will tell you to move on...they all do...it makes the decision process easier for them and they can blame you if it isn't what they want later....standing doesn't mean sinking...it means standing for what it right...taking care of yourself...and when your H looks back...if he does...he will see the strong woman who has it all together...if he doesn't...then his loss...you have lost nothing...because time is your friend...it gives you what you need to be who you are...who you REALLY are...we tend to get lost in our R's...this will help you...trust me...I didn't think it would...I almost blew it...but I got myself together and started living MY life...that didn't mean having an OM in it...that meant enjoying life on my own and eventually my H noticed...he was impressed...he saw my strength...and realized that I wasn't the enemy and he came to me for help...that was the begining of our healing...not the end of our troubles...but we are getting there...
Lin, I'm curious. How long were you physically separated and was D ever filed? My H moved out in Oct. 06 and filed for D in June 07. We had contact Nov.- May. I am doing things for myself. I'm trying to move on with my life at this point without him. I had an acquaintance tell me that they didn't get back together until he thought she acted like she didn't give a da*n.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
We were physically separated about a year and a half...divorce was filed twice...once about 3 months after H left by me...and then withdrawn just days before it was final...the second time was after he had been gone for over a year and made no effort at reconciling (which was what I thought we had agreed to when I withdrew my first petition)....again, by me...it was about 6 months later that he started visiting our S again, moved back to the area, and we started talking again...D is still pending for legal reason (protects me from his financial disasters)...
My H said it was the changes that I had made....the unconditional love that I had shown...and time for him to think straight that allowed for him to reconsider US again...I am not so sure that acting like I didn't care mattered because I did go through those times and it made no impact on him...mainly because I don't think it was "time"...
What I am referring to is if you never lay your cards on the table, your H and you will never had the opportunity to talk through what and why the A happened. My H would not talk to me about his EA some ten years ago, because at that time I only had assumptions and a small amount of evidence. Since we were back together after a brief 3 week separation and things were going well, I did not force the issue. The whole ordeal was swept under the rug. I have since found 2 more EA's. One being right b/4 the one he is currently in. Until this last one, the others did not seem to go very far. This one is a different case and because of e-mail, (which is how I found out about both of them at the same time. I had all the evidence that I needed to confront him. He still denied it until I actually took him to the computer and showed him all that I had read. He finally fessed up (what else could he do).
So what I'm saying is if you ever want an open and honest relationship with your H, you need to at some point require him to confess his past sins and if he doesn't come clean then expose him to what you know.
I have done this with my H and while I don't know how all of this will end, I do know that if our M is to survive this, he knows the rules and what it will take for me to hopefully trust him someday.
I hope that helps.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Have Faith...I totally agree that sometimes you need to "force" the confession...they are like scared rabbits...
I can say the best thing I ever did was to confront this and face it head on...eventually when we did get back together we could openly talk about what went wrong and how to make things go right so both of us could be happy...and that is what a marriage is all about...2 happy people sharing their lives...not one living for the other or on egg shells wondering when the next shoe is going to drop!
Hi Have Faith! We've had the confession and we've had the why the A happened talks. All my fault; he blames me for everything that went wrong in the past and accepts no responsibility for any of it. This confession happened before I started to snoop. So he has been honest with me but he doesn't want my forgiveness he just wants to go. I'm just waiting now for him to walk. I assume he will tell me when he's going but I still check his diary. He's moved on from debating whether to stay or go to thoughts of 'when we separate'. I've posted this somewhere else but I want him to take the responsibility for going; I don't want to tell him to go much as I sometimes feel like it when anger/impatience take over. On the other hand, how long should I wait?
bar...I have to ask this because this was very hard for me personally...my H also blamed me for everything and I stood there thinking "you had other options for our problems besides an A!"...but in time I really listened to things that he said he was unhappy about with me...NOT that I allowed that to be an excuse!!!...I realized there was a lot of changes that I needed to make...not just for H but for anyone I had R's with, including my own children...some of his issues were that I didn't listen to him, I made all the decisions and if he didn't agree it was a fight, I had to be right, and the list goes on...I didn't totally agree completely with his statements but could see how he felt about parts of these issues...so that is where I put my focus to be a better person...to work on me and to stop expecting this HUGE apology and sudden bright-light transformation from H...it took time...mostly for him to see that I was serious about myself...and that I was not doing this to get him back...
It took time but it worked...the dynamics of R are totally different now...not perfect! but much much better then before...H is now happy and so am I!...So...have you made changes in yourself...ones related to things that H might have told you...
I know it is so very hard to admit our own faults especially when they are pointed out by a cheating, lying spouse...but I truly believe that this made the biggest difference...and I have seen this again and again...believe me, I fought change in myself for a long time...my friends like me like I was, my kids said I was a great mom, my parents and family said I was a good person...so why did "I NEED TO CHANGE?"...because I could be better...and because I could be better in a way that I would be happier with myself and as it turned out, H could be happy with me again....
Bar...I am not placing any blame on you for your H's actions...but our actions do bring about reactions...if you are not getting the reaction you want from H...then try changing your actions...not just to please him...but to better yourself!
It is hard...I had to look deep...but it was worth it!
I really, really understand what you mean. The A is not my fault but I did have faults that should have been addressed. For example, I never let him finish a sentence and I always had to be right. His main bugbear is our sex life which was pretty much non-existent.
Recently I asked him how come he could talk about issues now but he never raised them at the time? His answer was that I wouldn't listen. He is truly fixated in the past. If it comes up now, I tell him I understand etc but that the two of us were in the M and both of us are responsible for what happened. The DBing has made me look very closely at my behaviour and speech. I am effectively curbing all the negative and disrespectful ways of speaking and reacting. I am listening and validating as much as I can.
I'm so glad your H came back and that it's working out.
bar...my H said those things about me also...except for the sex that got figured out back when he had an EA years earlier...but he still didn't bring up any of the other "issues" that he had...and like your H, said I wouldn't listen...and yes, he was truly fixated on the past and felt that I couldn't change...I just had to keep doing what I could for myself and eventually he noticed...
I stayed away from comments like "the two of us were in the M and both of us are responsible for what happened." because that would set him on the defensive or shut him down...I just basically took what he said...applied to myself what I could agree with and let the rest go...eventually my H figured out his part in all if...and even later on down the road accepted responsibility for his part...but this was WAYYYYYYY down the road...
Thank you for your gladness in my situation...it was a long hard road to get here and it helped talking to others that were going through it and the few that I found that succeeded...it isn't easy which is why I try and encourage all that I can...and share my experience with those I can relate to...
Thanks Lin. You're absolutely right - there is no point trying to use reason or logic at this stage. His blaming me is part of his determination in justifying what he is doing.
