Don't feel awful for posting your tragedy. I have been fully aware all along that this time of peace can easily be the eye of the hurricane--he might be honest and for real...then again, he hasn't really shown remorse of any kind, and current circumstances might last only until the next great temptation rears its ugly head. I think that my best choice (as yours was) is to continue on, expecting the best but preparing for the worst.
I actually ran into a bit of a road bump last night, here's the rundown.
When H and I reconciled, it was under the following conditions:
1-He would cut off contact with OW. To my knowledge, his efforts on this part were to simply stop calling her. I know he replied to her contacts with him...calls, texts, emails. They worked for the same company, he says that she has recently taken a new job and is getting married. I'm trying to let her memory die by not bringing it up any further.
2-He would attend counseling with me. He went three times: a half session with me, a half session on his own, and another session with me. He made it crystal clear on all occasions that he has no desire to dwell on the past, and as a result has no feelings of remorse. Basically a shut-down--I'll go, but you can't make me participate.
3-He would no longer travel alone. He has not taken a business trip since we reconciled, but announced last night that he will be having to go soon--within the next week or so, and will be gone for two weeks. He is fine with me going with him, but D5's first day of kindergarten falls during the proposed trip. I can't miss that. I just can't. And I don't know how to swing childcare for two weeks. I think I could work it out, but he indicated that if his bosses wanted him to leave tomorrow, he'd be gone--I can't arrange that kind of childcare in one day. I could fly out to spend weekends with him.
4-He would ask his employer for permission to work from home two days a week. (He can do his job from anywhere in the world.) He quickly reneged on this one.
So, our home life seems to be going well on the surface. He's attentive and present and affectionate. I feel us moving in the right direction. But I also feel that the conditions we agreed upon have been either ignored or at best given a half-hearted attempt. The part that confuses me is that part of me doesn't really care about the conditions anymore--maybe they were the wrong battles for me to pick (with the exception of the traveling). As long as we're communicating and together, I feel that things are right. However, if I just drop the boundaries, what does that say about me? That he can still behave in any way he wants, and I'll stay with him? I'm not afraid to be on my own, but I am afraid to throw away my children's chance at this intact marriage.
Do I trust the untrustworthy?
Am I climbing a ladder to a secure marriage or on an escalator to nowhere?
Am I climbing a ladder to a secure marriage or on an escalator to nowhere?
I ask myself these questions all the time, Aud! I have no answer yet. I also had conditions on getting back together which were mostly ignored, with excuses why it couldn't be met. Maybe one shouldn't have conditions, but see how things go, and re-assess every couple of years. Then, one day, when you feel you still cannot trust, then leave the M and not look back. At least, that's how I am trying to.
Quote:
I'm not afraid to be on my own, but I am afraid to throw away my children's chance at this intact marriage.
Other than the fact that I do love my H, this is another reason I stayed. I too, am not afraid to be alone, but there's more than just my life to consider.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
one thing I learned, which obviously I have trouble with, is come up with solution to my Ms troubles with my H, we can say anything we want 'til we are blue bue if they arent in agreement nothing is going to happen. You don't have to throw the boundaries altogher, maybe redrawing them with his imput and consent, if you don't think he is in agreement with something, ask him how you both should deal with it.
Ah, trust, it can be build, but it is an act of faith.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I appreciate what you're both saying. Marriage is not about what *I* want, nor about what *he* wants, but about the give and take. What is an absolute to me looks completely different to him. I think that's where the confusion about boundaries is coming from for me. Sigh.
I think I'll take your advice Cat, and talk about the trip from that angle--how we can approach this in a way that is respectful of both our perspectives.
Overall, I am still having a great time with my H. We're going out tonight--I think I'll just be light hearted and fun and maybe talk about the trip later. Time to drop the bag of anxiety that is trying to squeeze the heck out of my heart.
I'm glad to see you here in piecing! I fully understand how hard it is to trust. I'll be honest, I've learned nothing is permanent and can always change. My husband, or any guy I'm with could cheat on me (Gosh, is there a guy who has NEVER cheated??? Sometimes I wonder!!!). I think the key to this is not in trusting that it won't happen again, but in focusing on yourself and trusting that you are going to be able to get through whatever challenges life presents. Give love freely, be positive, a good listener, create a great family and that way you will know that you did whatever you could to make things work, you are an absolute gem, and he's sooooo lucky to have such a great wife and amazing family... and if he flubs it again you can feel sorry for him for throwing away something very valuable and special...
Now, the cell phone... Should his cell phone be completely personal? What do others think about that? I don't think it should be. A husband or wife should be able to look at each others cell phones. The only reason it wouldn't be is if you are hiding something. Aud, I think when you saw that message about the ticket you should have replied, "Sorry to hear that" and then added "-Your Name." That way OW realizes that your marriage doesn't have secrets, the cell phone is a family phone and she's less likely to try and entice your husband with a secret friendship that has potential for affair.
The key to an affair is secrecy and a poor sense of boundries. If your husband is worried this could happen again maybe it's because he has a hard time setting those boundries. He probably really likes "just being friends" with women, maybe helping women friends, but keeping these relationships secret and becoming too involved is a potential affair. By eliminating secrets, bringing YOU into any female friendships, I think that may help reduce the risk of another affair.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I have to agree -- when H gets back, no keeping the cell phone secret! That's how he communicated w/ OW the whole time and I was clueless.
I also agree that being "friends" with other women is dangerous. I know some people totally disagree w/ that, but I just recently had the first hand experience of one of my H's friends trying to be my friend and then it went out of control from his end.
I think the only reason someone is not completely open w/ their cell phones, etc. is that they probably have something to hide. Unfortuntely, I didn't even notice that all of a sudden it meant a lot more to H and that he took it everywhere w/ him.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I also just read the part about your H traveling. Just from my perspective/sitch, my H is deployed for a year. We were really only "ok" for about a month before he left. I made it perfectly clear that, yes, I trust him b/c I'm choosing to trust him, but if another A happens, I WILL NOT and CANNOT live w/ that. That could be another avenue since you may not be able to travel w/ him.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Root--it's so great to hear from you again! Wish I'd had the presence of mind to reply to OW's text. I am so slow on the clever stuff. :P I can do what you suggested: Give love freely, be positive, a good listener, and create a great family. I think I'm on this path now, but there's always room for improvement.
I think your point about trusting in myself is key. I have no guarantees that it will never happen again, especially if it's true that the best predictor of future actions is past behavior. Just keep my eyes open along with the lines of communication.
Cades--thanks for dropping by my thread.
The cell phone thing is a toughie--long story short, I've never had access to it. He seems to be a little more open about the phone and his email lately though...he's not giving me total access, but he's given me glimpses that would never have happened before, so I'll just keep my eye on the sitch. I think the less uptight I am about it the more likely he will be to open up more.
The traveling is a concern for me because he has to travel to OW's city. Last time he went I know there was contact--that's the point I finally went into LRT. Honestly at this time, I don't think anything is going on there, but H has been VERY good at hiding his philandering before, so I can't say there's no way anything could happen, you know? Back to predictors of future actions...
Right now, I'm still seeing progress every day. We had a nice time together over the weekend. I can see how our communication can still improve, but we're talking and laughing and enjoying our home and kids together, so there's definitely something to build on.
I also had conditions on getting back together which were mostly ignored, with excuses why it couldn't be met. Maybe one shouldn't have conditions, but see how things go, and re-assess every couple of years. Then, one day, when you feel you still cannot trust, then leave the M and not look back. At least, that's how I am trying to. 
