back to square -1 or -10000

[cat03]

my dear friends, your words mean so much, it's dejavu again, the sick feeling in the stomack, the wild beating of my heart, the uneasyness that comes and goes. Have not heard from him since I last send him a msg, it said how I still loved him and that even though I was hurt nothing would hurt me more than loosing him.
OK, so that was a bit desperate, I had to force myself not to call him and (gasp!) almost plead.
I now realize he has to do this on his OWN without my proding, he has to make the concious decision to give it his all and cut the ow totally (if she talks to him again which I wouldnt' put it past her). I deserve to be loved without conditions and without working for it, for now he still has nothing to give me. He has to fix himself, which in some ways leaves me in a bit of a limbo again, but as tyler said, i'm stronger now, I only cried once since so far, and only when I went to church this morning and wanted a hug from a friend who's also going through the same thing, except she has 4 kids, no stable home, no car, a small job, and she is so much stronger than me! she said she is done and she is free and much much happier.

AT some point I will be there, for now i have to suffer the first blows and pangs of pain, but not alone :)and I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I am not panicky anymore, and you all are right, i have to calm down to make a good decision. I'll stop checking my phone every 5min, I need to clean my mind.