Cali, I just had time to read your post. I have heard the exact same things that your H is saying. My H told me it wasn't about her it was our marriage. I was like you I told him that you can work through a lot of stuff especially when you finally realize it. But no they have their mind made up and thats what they are going to do. I found out more last night about OW she is bad news. No one has a good word to say about her.
You know the dtaching message you sent me on my thread on detaching has help me the last few days. If I keep reading them so it sinks in I am gaining. I appreciate you telling me. It is still amazing how everyone is almost on the same template with their H and even W. How can so many lives be so close in situations and we don't even know each other.
Hang in there and do something just for you today. WE will survive....
After that I realized that I really had backslid on my detaching, and it is funny that it was right after I posted that to you.
I told my girlfriend, it is almost like I needed him to say those things though, although it was no fun when I was hearing it, I know now that I needed to hear it. I was starting to spend so much time on looking at the small signs for reassurance he was coming back. I was spending all my time thinking about my next move, and what I was going to do to get him back.
Now, I am really working on detaching and doing it for me, not to get him back. I need to detach and work on me.
Taking the kids out of town to our old stomping grounds, to visit my best friend (who without I would not have made it this far), and we are going to hang out by the pool and just have fun.
H is not happy, I think he wanted the kids tonight, but since he had not spoken up I made plans, so now he is settling with getting them for a few hours Sunday after church. They all start school on Monday so I need to get them back in time for baths, and bed time. He mentioned today when he dropped off their swim stuff that was at his house that he wants the baby on Sunday night until Monday when he goes to work at 1 but I told him not a good idea. I have a hard time not having my baby with me hear at night, plus I think the other kids might get upset if he only takes the baby and not them, and I will mention that to him. Anyways I am rambling, thanks for the support, I don't know what I would not do without all my new friends on this board.
Sorry I haven't been able to keep up and write. My computer was down for a little while, but now it's back up and I'll try to keep in touch...
Do YOU really want a divorce? Think very carefully about that before signing anything with a lawyer. For one thing, by you starting the ball rolling you are making your husband's decision much easier because he can always look back and say YOU were the one who filed (my friend's husband did this to her and my husband WANTED me to be the one who filed so he wouldn't have it on his conscience). You are also helping out OW. I'm sure she'd be VERY HAPPY about it. Do you want that?
Sheesh!!! Let him be the one to deal with that! Let him be the one entirely responsible for everything while you were nice, perfect, supportive, and the PERFECT wife he was stupid enough to leave. Make sure you always act in such a way that he when doubt does finally spring up (and it will!!!!) he will always wonder if he made the right choise, and ENTIRELY REGRET IT. Do not think time doesn't change things... it can change things RADICALLY. Unless you feel whole, clear-headed, healed and ready to start a life entirely without him then DON"T FILE!!!! Don't even talk about divorce!!!! I always made that mistake. The divorce threat. Just don't go there unless you are 100% ready and have had MANY MONTHS to consider it.
Don't make their situation easier. I think it's wise to get you "chickens lined up" in case HE files for divorce (start putting away a little money, open that separate bank account, work on personal healing and mental preparation, learn your legal rights, read up about divorce), but don't file. NO REGRETS!!!!! I guarantee you. If you file, you will always wonder and there's a higher chance you'll regret being the one to do it. And if things don't work out with her (and statistically they probably won't), he'll say he had no choise. You divorced him!!! Believe me!!! Even my husband tried to do that. When I pointed out that he divorced me (when he finally realized how STUPID he was!!!), he said, "What do you mean I wanted the divorce???" Actually, it was pretty comical by that point! I think making that decision really ate him up. He was entirely CERTAIN he wanted a divorce.. and this is a guy who almost NEVER changes his mind. But eventually many months later he did... and in the beginning he said he didn't miss me, etc... and was VERY MEAN to me (trying to push me away, make leaving me easier... but I didn't fall for that ruse! I didn't make it easier for him ).
I don't care where your husband goes, he might divorce you, but for YOU and your healing and ability to move on if things go that way.... don't make those decisions, never have that regret, teach your children that you do your best to keep a marriage together and if it doesn't you always BE THE BETTER PERSON!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
One more thing, when your friends can't go out YOU go out!!! Dress up, look awesome, take yourself out to dinner, get one martini (chocolate!!!), then go to a bookstore like Borders or Barnes and Noble and fill your mind with knowlege and positive stuff!
I know it's not easy going out alone the first time, but I did it and eventually enjoyed it. Sometimes you even meet interesting people!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I know you really helped me with the detaching. I have read it over and over. I know my H said the same things and then I still looked for the little bit of hope. He still calls and talks to me like there is nothing wrong and their is no OW. SO I was on the roller coaster ride of hoping and being disappointed. I am now figuring out I need to detach for my own health. And to see what life will bring. My H doesn't want to be the one woho files because of being the bad guy so we will see. I see what runningouof time is saying and I know they will all regret it when it all done. I have friends that got divorced and in a few years they said they wish they has worked on it harded. At this point in their lives they are in such a fog that they can't see it or reason about it. So all we can do is bethere for ourselves and the kids. I like the idea of the chocolate Martini they are good.......DO stuff for you....I am always here.
Do YOU really want a divorce? Think very carefully about that before signing anything with a lawyer. For one thing, by you starting the ball rolling you are making your husband's decision much easier because he can always look back and say YOU were the one who filed (my friend's husband did this to her and my husband WANTED me to be the one who filed so he wouldn't have it on his conscience). You are also helping out OW. I'm sure she'd be VERY HAPPY about it. Do you want that?
No, I do not want a divorce, and I know I said it here that I was ready to file, I sat on it a bit, and believe that yes, he needs to be the one. I already made it easy on him, and let him move out, and gave him the go ahead to run off and live his little fantasy life with the OW. He is not the type to do anything like file so honestly I would be utterly shocked if he ever did. Yes, I spoke with a lawyer, and no I can not afford one, so not going to even go down that path. But, do you think it is a bad idea for me to file the child support paperwork and the custody paperwork? I know that is one step closer to a divorce but right now H is giving me way more money then he should, and I feel like I need to get those things signed and filed to protect me and the kids. Then if he does get off his butt and file divorce that is not anything to worry about. As long as H knows that it is just that, and not any part of me filing divorce, would it hurt. Or am I better off just leaving it all alone, any sort of paperwork, is seen as me going for the divorce? I am so very confused.
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
Sheesh!!! Let him be the one to deal with that! Let him be the one entirely responsible for everything while you were nice, perfect, supportive, and the PERFECT wife he was stupid enough to leave. Make sure you always act in such a way that he when doubt does finally spring up (and it will!!!!) he will always wonder if he made the right choise, and ENTIRELY REGRET IT. Do not think time doesn't change things... it can change things RADICALLY. Unless you feel whole, clear-headed, healed and ready to start a life entirely without him then DON"T FILE!!!! Don't even talk about divorce!!!! I always made that mistake. The divorce threat. Just don't go there unless you are 100% ready and have had MANY MONTHS to consider it.
He hasn't brought up divorce since about three weeks ago when we had a huge fight. Even with our little R texting the other day, that never came up. As much as what he said about loving the OW and being bonded with her in a different way then us (which my friend just say means they built a bond based on misery since they commiserated with each other about their awful relationships). I still can tell he is confused, and try not to listen to what he says, and realize he is saying it to convince himself more then me. I am really at this point trying to work on GAL and detaching because when I start doing that, I start feeling better about myself and stop obsessing about my next 'move'.
One more thing, when your friends can't go out YOU go out!!! Dress up, look awesome, take yourself out to dinner, get one martini (chocolate!!!), then go to a bookstore like Borders or Barnes and Noble and fill your mind with knowlege and positive stuff!
I know it's not easy going out alone the first time, but I did it and eventually enjoyed it. Sometimes you even meet interesting people!
Yikes! That is a pretty scary thing. I have gone out to the book store by myself, just didn't even consider going out that night, I was just so upset, but I will remember that for next time.
I know you really helped me with the detaching. I have read it over and over. I know my H said the same things and then I still looked for the little bit of hope. He still calls and talks to me like there is nothing wrong and their is no OW. SO I was on the roller coaster ride of hoping and being disappointed. I am now figuring out I need to detach for my own health. And to see what life will bring. My H doesn't want to be the one woho files because of being the bad guy so we will see. I see what runningouof time is saying and I know they will all regret it when it all done. I have friends that got divorced and in a few years they said they wish they has worked on it harded. At this point in their lives they are in such a fog that they can't see it or reason about it. So all we can do is bethere for ourselves and the kids. I like the idea of the chocolate Martini they are good.......DO stuff for you....I am always here.
Penny you and I can work on this detaching thing together, ok? Sounds like we are in the same place. Yes I realized that I was helping to create the roller coaster. I think it is ok, to see the little things as positives, but then I would go over hopeful and upset when I would not see any more little things, or it was not moving fast enough. I am trying to realize that this is not my time line, this is his, and I just have to deal with the hand I was given and make the most of it for now.
Well, time for a 180 for you!!!! Next time you don't have the kids... or have an evening when you can leave them for two hours (sitter, older one babysitting, etc...) I want you to dress HOT, full make-up, hair done, etc... bring a small notebook or dayplanner in your purse, go to a nice resturant (Elephant Bar, Fridays, ???), and sit AT THE BAR!!!! Don't worry, you won't be the only one alone, and even if you are you have your dayplanner or a the small notebook for journaling (hey write about your feelings about doing this!!! Problems, frustrations, anger, etc...). Then order a small meal, appetizer or salad for dinner and get a pina colada, chocolate martini, or some other yummy desert drink. If you are not used to drining only get one drink. Then relax, write, look about, if someone talks with you spark up a conversation... etc...
If you do happen to talk with anyone (male, female, couple, young, old...) just keep the conversation light, focus on the other person(s), practice the ol' social skills, ask about fun local places to go, perhaps make a new friend or two... but do avoid anything romantic for now... you are vulnerable so always keep in mind healthy boundries...
Then afterwards, head over to the book store and just walk around, find relationship books, self improvement stuff, literature, fun books, etc... and try to have a good time.
Eventually, you might want to do this with friends, or will make more friends who enjoy going out. Look for places with music to listen to or community concerts, take yourself out to fairs, events, anything remotely interesting... either alone or with the kids, or with friends. Just LIVE!!!! Try to make life fun!!!!
Now... regarding the filing of any paperwork. If he's giving you more than enough money you don't need to file anything. Keep good records of living expenses, child care, monthly bills etc... As long as he's paying for things then don't worry. The main thing at this point is that you use the time right now to develop your life. Create a GREAT ONE without him. As long as he's keeping up his financial end don't worry. In the meantime you keep great records of everything so if you have to go there you will be fully prepared.
Also, be busy when he calls, be happy, make sure he's getting the feeling that you are moving on with your life and living a really HAPPY fufilling life. Laugh a lot, smile and always say how GREAT life is!!! Talk about friends (don't say male or female)... be mysterious!!! (DBing coach stressed the mystery thing to me). It's not that you talk about a man or men... although I did mention to my husband, "Wow, I never realized I was so attractive... and how is it every guy seems to have radar and can tell when a woman is separated or divored?... Sheesh they are like flies hoovering around when they realize a woman is separated!!!" Boy that made my husband think!!! Hee hee!!! Then quickly change the subject to HIM and don't answer questions about men... of course I wouldn't get involved with anyone. I don't believe in dating until I'm divorced. It wouldn't be fair to someone else, I want to be 100% healthy before I get into any relationships, etc... But it sure is interesting to see what's out there.... hummm.....
Then let him have his fun with his "downer" girlfriend he's trying to rescue while you are happy and healthy... and in the long run, once the rescuing thing gets old, what do you think will be more attractive??? Also, be generous. Wish him well and tell him you want him to be happy. Boy, when you support them, are generous and loving then they can't use you as an excuse (or their anger at you and trying to "hold them in the unhappy marriage") for their own unhappiness and that's when they finally have to look at themselves.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Wow ROOT. ok, that is a TALL order, but I will do my best. I will let you know when I get out and do that. The kids are with their dad right now, but they start their first day of school tomorrow and I have not gotten them any school clothes or anything. So today I will be running around getting all that stuff for school until he brings them back at 7.
I really need to work more on how I act when he is around, lately I either just act cold and put up my wall or I am super friendly. I need to figure out the happy medium and be able to put on that happy face.
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