Don't feel awful for posting your tragedy. I have been fully aware all along that this time of peace can easily be the eye of the hurricane--he might be honest and for real...then again, he hasn't really shown remorse of any kind, and current circumstances might last only until the next great temptation rears its ugly head. I think that my best choice (as yours was) is to continue on, expecting the best but preparing for the worst.
I actually ran into a bit of a road bump last night, here's the rundown.
When H and I reconciled, it was under the following conditions:
1-He would cut off contact with OW. To my knowledge, his efforts on this part were to simply stop calling her. I know he replied to her contacts with him...calls, texts, emails. They worked for the same company, he says that she has recently taken a new job and is getting married. I'm trying to let her memory die by not bringing it up any further.
2-He would attend counseling with me. He went three times: a half session with me, a half session on his own, and another session with me. He made it crystal clear on all occasions that he has no desire to dwell on the past, and as a result has no feelings of remorse. Basically a shut-down--I'll go, but you can't make me participate.
3-He would no longer travel alone. He has not taken a business trip since we reconciled, but announced last night that he will be having to go soon--within the next week or so, and will be gone for two weeks. He is fine with me going with him, but D5's first day of kindergarten falls during the proposed trip. I can't miss that. I just can't. And I don't know how to swing childcare for two weeks. I think I could work it out, but he indicated that if his bosses wanted him to leave tomorrow, he'd be gone--I can't arrange that kind of childcare in one day. I could fly out to spend weekends with him.
4-He would ask his employer for permission to work from home two days a week. (He can do his job from anywhere in the world.) He quickly reneged on this one.
So, our home life seems to be going well on the surface. He's attentive and present and affectionate. I feel us moving in the right direction. But I also feel that the conditions we agreed upon have been either ignored or at best given a half-hearted attempt. The part that confuses me is that part of me doesn't really care about the conditions anymore--maybe they were the wrong battles for me to pick (with the exception of the traveling). As long as we're communicating and together, I feel that things are right. However, if I just drop the boundaries, what does that say about me? That he can still behave in any way he wants, and I'll stay with him? I'm not afraid to be on my own, but I am afraid to throw away my children's chance at this intact marriage.
Do I trust the untrustworthy?
Am I climbing a ladder to a secure marriage or on an escalator to nowhere?
