Not so Shocked 4

[nickyf]

Snodderly

Thankyou so much for replying to my thread, it's all so confusing. I truly believe that my husband is desperatley trying to become the good man that he once was, i sense that he is not happy being the person he is right now. These last couple of days he certainly seems to have realised that he needs to be there more for D3 which is great. He starts his new job in couple of weeks, this is also something he has not been happy with for a long time, so hopefully the new job will make him feel a little better.

However i still sense that even though he will have changed everything in his life this past year (OW, in debt now, new job, new car etc) he is still going to feel like there is something not right, i know he still has some soul searching to do and he knows that i am here if he needs to talk to me.

In one of my post i explained that my husband was telling me that a few weeks ago things were racing round his head, he could not concetrate and when he tried to focus on any one problem, he couldn't. He said that he would set off to go somewhere, get in his car and forget where he was suppose to be going. Does this just sound like a bit of stress to you or more like depreesion?

The reason i ask this, is because my husband says he is not depressed, just stressed.

Hope you are ok?

Nicky

[nickyf]

Hi everyone

Husband came to pick D3 up for her overnight visit so i have had the afternoon to myself. I made the most of it and went shopping . Tonight i am going out for a few drinks with a friend which i am looking forward to, hopefully won't have a sore head in the morning lol .

My sister is doing a car boot sale tomorrow so i went up into the loft to see if i had anything for her to take. Whilst looking i came acroos loads of things of my husbands including the leters that i sent him the first year we were together when he was posted in Cyprus. I also came across the letters that he sent me, it was hard reading them but brought back fond memories of how things were. There is still so much of my husbands life still in the loft, i have realised that the only thing he really took with him when he left were his clothes and a few photos that i have give him since.

When he was here visiting today he still seemed a little distracted and down, i suppose the best way for me to describe the way he looks is EMPTY, if you know what i mean. Almost like he does not know what his purpose in life is now.

Hope everyone is ok

Nicky

[Cinderellaman]

When he was here visiting today he still seemed a little distracted and down, i suppose the best way for me to describe the way he looks is EMPTY, if you know what i mean. Almost like he does not know what his purpose in life is now.

Yep - I know that way of looking.....I've seen it here too...he even seems 'fake' at times...trying to ACT all happy and cheery !

Have a great time tonight, try and enjoy yourself !!! Lots of love, xxxx

[nickyf]

Journaling

These last couple of days i have realised that i need to start living my life as if my husband is never coming back. Coming to the realisation that he may never come back hurt me to the core but could very well be the reality of my situation. It is a year next week that i got the bomb and even though i have been doing well in the back of my mind i have never properly thought about the fact that he may never come back.

So i sat down and thought to myself "What would i be doing differently if i knew for certain that he was never coming back. One of the things i came up with was that i would not want all his things still in the house to constantly remind me of him. So i have text him this morning and asked him to set some time asside to sort through his things here at the house. Once again it feels like another chapter closing in the book but it is something that i feel needs to be done, maybe not good DBing but i can't DB all the time, at some point reality needs to step in. Today i am hurting at the fact that the last 10 years are just fading away slowly.

The reality is, we are getting divorced, once that happens there will be nothing only D3 that we will share. How will i feel once that happens, i dont honestly know, but i am trying to prepare myself for it and so i am making small steps in that direction.

My husband seems alot less happy now than he was when he was with me but he probably can not see that yet, maybe he never will. I just hope that he finds peace within himself and the great person he once was.

Hope evryone is ok

Nicky

[Cinderellaman]

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

[nickyf]

Thanks for the hugs Cinders

I actually feel ok, i suppose it is just another moment where what is happening comes to the front of my mind. I am moving forward which is the only way to go in order for D3 and i to have the life that we deserve. So i intend to focus on other things now and see what the future holds .

Nicky

[Cinderellaman]

Then we shall go and do this together and help each other along the way - I too have come to EXACTLY that point ! And I have rearranged my room and cleared my bathroom from all his 'left-behind' stuff ! Tonight I plan to put all his clothes that he left here in a suitcase for him to take with him later this week !

It's time to see what else life has to offer us !!

[nickyf]

Journaling

Been feeling quite good today , busy with work and D3. Husband came to visit D3 earlier seemed down again, he never said anything but i could tell. As my husband was leaving D3 started to get a bit upset because she wanted him to stay, she even said to him that she wanted him to live here. I could tell that this upset him but thankfully by the time my husband actually left i manage to get her smiling and giggling.

Another thought i had yesterday was even if my husband ever did want to come back, he would think that there has been too much damage done. If he ever decided to talk to any of his family members about it, they would also probably say to him that there has been too much damage and that he should not even bother trying. They would feel that i would never be able to trust him and so never be able to get past it.

I on the other hand completley disagree with this, if someone is willing to show you by thier actions that you can trust them, then i know that it is possible. I have heard of a few couples that have got back together and thier relationship is better than before because you are both aware of where you both went wrong in the relationship and so as a couple you are able to focus on those issues. For instance, one of the issues my husband and i had was that we never spent enough alone time together, i know this now. One thing i have learnt through all this is that you should never take anything for granted in life, you should cherish the things that are important to you. I am upset with myself for not realisng this when my husband was still here but all i can do is learn from my mistakes and vow never to make them again in any future relationship, whether it be with my husband or someone else.

Hope everyone is ok

Nicky

[Cinderellaman]

Hi Nicky ! Glad you're having a good day !

I'm so proud of where you've gotten and how you've gotten there ! You are awesome ! xxx

[nickyf]

Hi everyone

Had a great weekend , went shopping on saturday and then went out for a drink with some friends Saturday night, thankfully didn't drink too much so no hang over for me the next day .

Husband had D3 at the weekend and took her to his mums, OW did not go and so D3 got to spend some alone time with her Daddy for once .

However MIL phoned me today, she told me that my husband went out with his sister and her boyfriend on Saturday night and my husband was paraletic, he came in about 1am very drunk. She also told me that one of his sisters friends was out, who happens to be quite a bit older than my husband, overweight, not very attractive and known for being a slapper, apparently my husband was all over this woman and his sister had to pull him to one side and tell him. It amazes me that just over a year ago my husband was not attracted to overweight women at all, especially women who flauted themselves. He always said that he liked a woman to be sophisticated and by the sounds of it this woman was the opposite. I am begining to feel that i really don't know my husband anymore, his morals and beliefs just seem to have just vanished.

It is obvious to me that my husbands feelings for OW are superficial, even if he does not realise it yet. He is giving up the best thing that ever happenned to him, which is D3 and i but he is just too blind to see it.

MIL telling me this today has just confimed that my husband is still so deep in replay. I really thought these past few weeks that he was moving forward in the tunnel because he seemed to be trying to sort himself out but i guess he has just taken a great leap back.

Lately i have found myself thinking that it would be nice to have someone to share my day with, someone to buy me flowers, someone to be romantic with me, instead of being one of the probably many women that my husband flirts with, i deserve to be treated with more respect. Through out all this i have tried to treat my husband with unconditional love and respect, it is unfortunate that he is so wrapped up in himself that he can't do the same.

Hope evryone is ok

Nicky