My heart hurts for you to try to hard, put so much effort into this and continue to see setbacks.
It's a tough fight.
It doesn't get any easier until you can get some clarity. To quote Ken Wilber, "with awareness you feel more, but suffer less".
Once you can get to a place of clarity you will feel more, but suffer less. If that makes sense. When I first heard that I thought it was a bunch of new age mumbo jumbo, but after some recent steps on my part I've found that I hurt, and the pain is real, but the suffering is less. It hurts initially, then it passes, so the amount of time I spend suffering is greatly reduced.
Thoughts and prayers for you Ali.
You have to tools, you know what you need to do, you will be okay no matter what form that takes.
