Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Nomopo]

Hi Will! Great to hear from you and glad the gang class was good (beyond the traffic).

In Orlando, getting ready to start our day, so I have to keep this short, but . . .

I've been doind better overall, but the thought of her possible having an A behind my back is eating at me. I've been working on it very hard, but my mind and gut aren't listening lol. Every time she leaves the house, gets a pone call or text message, etc., I get all messed up. I've had an upset stomach for the past week, and my system is all out of whack. I'm actually doing great with the S and M issues, even ok with the thought that we may or may not make it, but another man in the middle right now has me going bananas!

This was the hardest part for me in all of this. I have come a long way, but it takes time and hard work (making sense of this issue and your sitch, that is), so stick with it and know it will get better. There are some nuggests on this in my last few posts (starting with my journaling on 8/4 when W took an unannounced trip out of town), so you might check it out. Anyway, I will be back with some more specific thoughts on how I think to best deal with this particular issue. Remind me if I haven't gottn back to you on this by Monday, ok?

One more thing I forgot, her hanging out with only her single friend from work is driving me nuts. I knnow I can't control it, but it's a horrible influence right now. The girl is very attractive, uses men to suit her needs and get what she wants, and is very active / open with many men. I hate this, because i'm pretty sure it's clouding my W's mind as to it meing "ok for a mom to do", or that this is what she needs to feel free again. She denies that she wants to be like the girl, but she ahngs out with her and her single male friends at least once a week (out drinking and partying). I know I can't control it, but I had to get that out since I can't say it to her.

Will (and Heim):

It could be that your W feels trapped and/or needs to regain some of her independence. That is certainly part of what is going on with my W. (Again, see some of my recent posts, especially the JC session on 8/9, and then my IC session 8/10.) This is scary for us, and threatening, because it feels like they are leaving us, but that is not necessarily the case. The may need the independence if you will, and/or not to feel trapped, for you to have a chance. Realizing that has helped me feel better about what she is doing/going through, and it makes it easier to let go (in a healthy way).

The thing that got me the most, is Michelle reinforcing my ideas. She says that the best of marriages is often like a "good buisness relationship." Good communication, good friends, comfort, good times, and the romance and love varies over the years. We have to work on love for it to thrive.

I like this!

I've always felt that way, adn have always been willing to solve issues with whatever worked for us. I just never had her input, and got very pushy and started pointing the finger at her never communicating. I know exactly what I did wrong, but I have no idea how to convince her that we have an excellant R, we just need to work on communicating and meeting each others needs.

I know you are dying to fix it; me too. This is where patience comes in. SOme things just have totake time and unfold a certain way. She needs to come to this herself, in time. This doesn't mean it won't work. It means she needs space (at least for a while).

That's why I want her to read DR / DB. She's a very technical person, and if she reads it with a partially open mind, it could help us with a major break through. She's stopped reading lately though, and I don't want to push her. I know it will help some (even if she's not very receptive), but we're at a stale mate right now.

Not yet. Maybe later, but uf she reads it before she is really open/ready, then she will reject it and have a hard time coming back to it later.

I have to say, the thoughts of infidelity have taken over lately, and it is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. I guess i'm doing ok with it, but I feel like I have absolutely no control at all.

You are doing as expected. Or better. It takes time. You will get there.

Later,
Nomo