Hi Willing and thank you,
It's so easy for me to read over other's sitch's and givethat support and be able to step back and point out what the right DB solution is. But applying it to my life is soooo much harder, as I'm sure it is for us all. So, settle in for this one:
Friday-
text W at 9:30 (she should be just starting work) "I need to stop by the house and pick some things up on my way home. thought I'd feed the pups while I'm there. Ok?"
W calls about 5 min later:
W -"sorry I didn't call you back, got home late Wed and then knew you were out Thurs."
Me - No biggie, I hope the card wasn't more of me pushing. F is having a steak cookout for me and other F tonite. Wanted to grab a bottle of wine and my grill thingy. I'll feed the dogs and still beout b4 you get home.
W - That's fine, I'm glad you are doing that (not sure she said glad, but that's how I'll remeber it!) I have to visit the cats, so I can take my time now. When do you want to get together Sunday?
Me - I don'y know, do you have anything in particular you want to do or place you want to go? Or do you want to just hang out?
W - Let's play it by ear, not really sure.
Me - What time works?
W - probably a little later so I can get some work done that day.
Me- Ok 3 or 4?
W - Let's do 4.
Me - Ok, well, have a good weekend and I'll see you Sunday.
W - Ok you too.
Me - Oh, Saturday I think I know how to fix the pipe, what's your schedule with parents and BF? (Parents coming down to help BF put his boat in water, he's never had one).
W - probably 10 or 11 and be there 3 hours or so.
Me - Ok, I'll come over after you leave so we shouldn't cross paths. I'm sure that woudl be a little awkward!
(little laughs from both)
W - That sounds good, thank you.

Pretty good huh?

Fast forward to after work. Get home and let dogs out, start sprinkler to water bone dry lawn that hasn't been watered since I did it Wed. Notice case of beer w/ 5 gone. Only 1 of probabbly 5 leftin fridge. begin - snooping (I have to reel this in, makes me feel like sh*t afterwards, and that doesn't count when i find something) Trash on patio has several beer cans (she rarely if ever drinks alone). They are from Wed or Thurs.
Upstairs - rings still there. Bed sheets thrown back from 'my side' thinking must have been 2...but...dogs get up there, could have been W's only exit. Begin drawer search. nothing except lots of new undies, no biggie, she is losing weight and LOVES new panties. Begin checking under mattress (thinking how psycho I'm acting now) notice something under her night stand. Kneel down...an unopened condom!!! May be the old brand I had, but know my night stand in full of diff kind I bought and still have from right before our R. Hmmmm...frantically search for opened wrappers EVERYWHERE-nothing. Compare expiration dates, one I found is '08, old bunch I have are '09. OK, this is an old a** condom. Don't think I noticed dust. Absolutely no other signs of OM presence, and boy did I look!
I can't explain away everything, but I can't ASSume the worst. Soooooooo confused and hurt. I left condom where it was, just slightly more visible.
Head to F's for dinner.
His W is there, waiting fro F who is also good F with my W that I almost pressed about rings (we'll call her WF to keep it straight later).
Can't hold it in, get to tell my F some details. The girls arrive and leave and F's H stays with the guys (he'll be WFH for tarcking purposes today). I give details, an dthen say "you know, the worst part is I may very well be able to forgive her if I knew the whole sitch. Make me feel like a schmuck, but I love her so much." Guys hedge between backing me and trying to quick fix me to happy. Have talk about being friends to my M, let me hurt if it gets my M right in the end.
We eat, we drink, we smoke cigars, we drink some more. I say we need to stake out W's we laugh it off.
WFH says WF told himabout last weekend with my W and how they went back to guy's place. He was not really mad at her about that, but about why. WF said she kind of thought she should stick with W and see what was going on. WFH said she shoudl have expressed her discomfort and insisted both did not go. He grilled WF and said he is certain nothing happened with W. I already belived that (until condom...the who knows). Said I reallydon;t want WF in the middle, and I really feel for her balancing both of us. WFH says, "Man, you are great and we knew you first. If it comes to sides it's yours. It's your biz, and I let WF know that, but if she knows you're being screwed, she has to step in the middle and stick up for you (or vice versa)."
Expressed appreciation and let it settle. I don't want secret agents with W.
Later, I leave...and...drive by then walk by house. Kitch light is on, which is never on unless no one is home. It's 2:30. Ugh, more snooping that accompolished nothing except making me more crazy.
I go by local bar, no car in lot, I go home...finally.
head to bed near 3. Have a gut check, realize I'm spiraling down imagining the worst. Find a shred of decency and sanity and stop. realize I kow nothing and have to man up if I want to fight. Lonely. text W "Can't sleep. You awake?"
Fall asleep within miniutes. That text somehow calmed me even though did not hear back.
Wake up around 9 with an interesting hangover. Review teh night in my head, think how f*@king psycho I am and how my actions did no good, and potentially killed my PMA which means killing my M.
Feel the need to call W. Hold phone for 10 minutes debating. Remeber (Nomo's?) gut action. I call.
W - Hello
Me - Hi, how are you
W - Ok
Me - I'm sorry about texting you in teh middel of the night
W - Oh, it's Ok. (sounds just short of chipper)
Me - I had a few to drink, and everything is coming to a head this weekend. I'm really emotional and I just feel silly that I did that.
W - (Almost laughing) It's Ok, I wqs sleeping and didn;t even get it until this morning.
Me - I just feel silly and wanted to call to apologize. So are your parents down yet? (Realized my piece was out time to change direction and move towards close if she has no R talk).
W - I just got back from gym. F is on his way, parents shoudl be down in about an hour. We'll be gone by 11, but I'll call, er text you when we actually leave.
Me - Ok, sounds good. Sorry again, have fun.
W - OK.

Goals:
1. fix pipe, really need to follow through.
2. work on shortening my Sunday Speech into a small convo with less emphasis on me and more on getting to her feelings.
3. Work, brought some home to keep me busy.
4. tonite, go out, but don't get tanked. Level head for tomorrow
5. Identify baby steps I should look for tomorrow.
6. Forgive W (did she do anything, who knows, if so, doubt it was until this week. If anything, she just pulled a Ross).
7. Forgive myself. I've acted like an idiot, makes me feel 2 inches tall. Hardest goal.
8. make shorter list of goals! LOL
Guys, I am scared (broken record?) D day is nearly here. Last night with the boys helped me focus on the fact that I will be OK on my own. I will have a great R in the future (w/ or w/out W). I am learning on to feel my emotions and not fight them.
Just about done here...have to fess up
I am going to do 2 things I know are not good, but will settle me either way. Ring check, very curious if she wears them when parents are hear. Could mean she feels guilty, could be benevolent due to she's as confused as me, could be...I won't find an answer, just know I will look.
Also, will see if condom is there or not. I will not gain a thing from this either way. Just saying I know I will do these things despite what I know. After that, I am going to stop all snooping. Kind of tying up loose ends before tomorrow I guess. Should we continue to work on M, I must and will stop snooping.
Advice if you have any: how do i bring up faithfulness in my talk without making her think I am accusing? It needs to be discussed ever so lightly so I can gauge her reaction, or give her opportunity to speak up about anything that may have transpired. Am I way off here?
I know, I'm a mess, thanks for listening!!


Me 32
WAW 30
D Bomb 7/9
Separated 7/15
Reiterated bomb 8/12
PA 8/21
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643