Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks Heim, that's what i'm hoping. She's said that she wants to be sexual, and feels that our problems may have been part of the issue. I know it's B.S., because she's always had sexual issues with all of her partners (good part of being friends w/ her for years before we got together, knew her past), but she does this thing of trying to convince herself. If we have a problem, rather than just fix it the obviuos way, she gets thinking "there's got to be some very in-depth reason i'm feeling this way." and she thinks about it forever (almost literally.) She usually won't accept that there is no "magic" answer, people just do what makes or fixes the issue for them. She seems to think that there is a set of rules that all human beings follow. That's her problems now. Like in DB and DR, she believes that a M should be a fantasy world. She thinks a good M, means that you are romantically head-over-heals in love 90% of the time, and all problems can be easily fixed with almost no effort. When I used to try to tell her, "there is no magic answer, we are our own people, we are adults, the right way is whatever is ok with us." she felt I was pushing my opinion on her and making it up. AHHHHHHH... so frustrating. The thing that got me the most, is Michelle reinforcing my ideas. She says that the best of marriages is often like a "good buisness relationship." Good communication, good friends, comfort, good times, and the romance and love varies over the years. We have to work on love for it to thrive. I've always felt that way, adn have always been willing to solve issues with whatever worked for us. I just never had her input, and got very pushy and started pointing the finger at her never communicating. I know exactly what I did wrong, but I have no idea how to convince her that we have an excellant R, we just need to work on communicating and meeting each others needs. She thinks it has to be over because of her way of thinking (she's word for word what Micheele writes about with the wlka away wife and believing there were no goos times and she was never in love.)That's why I want her to read DR / DB. She's a very technical person, and if she reads it with a partially open mind, it could help us with a major break through. She's stopped reading lately though, and I don't want to push her. I know it will help some (even if she's not very receptive), but we're at a stale mate right now.

The thing with her girfriend, is it's a bit too often. I told her that I love that she goes out with her friends, and that it's always been ok (she never did because she thought i'd get mad... even though I always encouraged it.) I told her that her going out with her single friend and the single guys is uncomfortable since the pic and EA, and left it at that. She's a nurse (an almost entirely female field), and her co-workers are mostly divorced, miserable, man-haters. A few of them bash men constantly, and use men for sex (very outspoken about it.) They tell her how all men suck, they are better off as a single independant woman, etc. She says that none of this affects her judgement, but I can see it. I don't say anything, but it's not good. If she would step back and give us a shot, I know she would see that she can have everything she wants with me. She just won't accept that we can do it through communication and hard work. She's thinking that we have to just "clik" all of the time, or we were'nt meant to be.

Wow... you struck a nerve there HEIM. lol. Thanks for helping me get that out. That is a pretty good description of our current sitch (other than EA, OM worries).

I have to say, the thoughts of infidelity have taken over lately, and it is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. I guess i'm doing ok with it, but I feel like I have absolutely no control at all.