Retrouvaille vs Counseling

[Lord Grenville]

Hi CY,

Thank you for your prayers too.

Last Monday night, I attened our first divorce mediation meeting, that my wife had requested we attend. I stated that I do not want a divorce.

I expressed a need to understand better why my wife chose to end our marriage (without ever expressing any unhappiness with our relationship), and I said I hoped she could openly share with me what her unhappiness in the marriage stemmed from. These are things that she had not found a way to share with me after 6 months of MC. I still did not get clarity on this.

When my wife tried to say that she wanted a divorce, she physically could not say the word. She actually got stuck on the the first syllable twice, and finally whispered through tears the almost inaudible "D" word. I stated that I while I acknowledge that she feels that way, I would like her to consider attending the September Retrouvaille weekend, so that we could both improve our communication skills, and that even if we do not reconcile, we will be able to enter into future relationships with better abilities in connecting with future partners.

I asked her to think about attending - that she didn't have to decided right then. She is now visiting her parents and other relatives in Florida for a few days.

I am still debating whether I should give her a few more reasons to go to Retrouvaille. For example, I might say that if we spent the same number of hours that we would have at Retrouvaille, talking through the unrevealed/unresolved issues with our mediator/counselor instead, we might end up spending over $3000 with the mediator, as opposed to the Retrouvaille weekend which would be $550 for the entire weekend, including food and lodging for both of us.

I don't want to appear pressuring, desperate, or to be trying too hard to make her attend, so it is a fine balance.

I had asked her to attend the previous Boston-area Retrouvaille in March, which was the week before we separated, and I was careful to not pressure her at all, but she chose to not attend because she was feeling "overwhelmed emotionally". I said then that that was o.k., but hoped that she might consider attending the next session, which is this one in September.

Unfortunately, she is more "emotionally overwhelmed" now than she was in March, because she is facing a necessary surgery in few months, and she is dealing also with the illnesses of her mother, father, and uncle on top of our situation. That's why it may take the extra guidance from above to help her to choose to attend Retrouvaille with me.