I Belong Over Here

[RedHeadWife]

Thank you all so much. It's so nice to have people that actually REALLY understand what I'm feeling & going through. Like I said, my one good friend at work can only imagine and can only tell me what she "thinks" she would do in a sitch like mine. Well, I always said "you cheat, you're gone" and then when it actually happened, 4 times at that, you realize until something really happens to you, you have NO IDEA how you will truly react/act.

Sometimes I'm afraid that all the "work" I've done will be moot when he actually comes home and is here all the time. I wonder if I'll have to start all over again.

I'm so very hopeful that I will just continue to get stronger as the time goes by and that, by the time he does come back, and even by the time I go over there to visit in 3 weeks, that I've become so much stronger and more self confident that, like Saffie mentioned, the balance of power is different.

My friend actually said to me yesterday that I'm very insecure. Well, duh. Yeah, I always have been deep, deep down to a very large extent and the obviously this whole sitch has made it even worse. I'm hopeful that all the work I'm doing ON ME will change that. I've had periods in my life where I felt SO DAMN GOOD about myself, but it always seems when I get in a relationship, that goes away, like I end up feeling like I have to almost be someone else for them to love me.

I know that is completely not true b/c I see the REAL ME coming back out in a lot of ways and I like her a lot and I know that others do too. It's wierd though b/c it seems like I'm a completely different person say at work than I am at home. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to be the happy, wonderful, self confident ME all the time. I know H will see that. That Kelly is a much happier Kelly.

I know I still have a long way to go. I know a big part of it is that I am very hard on myself a lot of times about EVERYTHING and even in this sitch, I feel like "Kel, get over it," but it's not that easy and then sometimes everything just starts running through my head and I get down again. I know it's a growing, learning, grieving, etc., etc., process and it's not going to happen overnight. I also know I'm in a unique sitch w/ him now being gone, however, I know that even that is SO GOOD b/c it's given him a chance to "reflect" and also see what it is he was trying to throw away and what he would in the end have lost.

Again, thanks everybody for your input. It SO helps me!! Love you guys!