back to square -1 or -10000

[cat03]

I had stopped coming here a while ago since it was a year my H came back and things seemed ok.

well, the ow rises her head again, she thought he was divorced (I found a letter where he even says I left with another man) and sough him out again in june. Well, they've been having a steemy PA since then, I broke into his email and found picts and everything. I only found out today when his cell phone bill online showed 240$, i checked it out and it showed hundreds of txt msgs and pict msgs (yea, dirty naked picts from her)

They had planned a beach trip, which i thought was with the guys at work but apparently she was going to drive there with friends to meet him, he made up this "training" trip at the end of this month, I was going to give him 300$ for food and lodging, well, he was going to her home state, she had bought him a plane ticket. And the grace shot? he was looking for place to move out.
No wonder he kept asking me when we'd be done paying his debt, we have a joint checking acct, so my money went to pay for it, I do the finances so he only has a bit of money, thus the tricks to pay for the trips and etc.

I was sick, sick sick, left work, couldn't reach H (his cell is acting up ) Finally we talked, he acts dumb for the first min, then I told him I had proof, then he said "fine, I'll give you a divorce" then "i will break it off with her today" "I am stupid, thats why I did that". If the oldies remember, he has adhd and is never at peace, he feels at odds with the world. AFter counceling he said he was feeling better, that we were getting closer, but now he tells me he was just not happy, that nothing makes him happy and needed a new person to talk to and she showed up, according to phone records she call first.

It's too long to describe, but now i'm torn, I love him and want him back, but this has hurt too much, i've changed, ive been loving, tried everything. So many lies. He's empty, he needs therapy, he needs help, he is still the shell of a man he was a while ago, he confessed to try to stay at work longer so he wouldnt' have to come home, that he felt at odds.

Am I stupid to take him back? I dont' know, my kids, my sweet sweet treasures, if it weren't for them, I swear, I wouldnt' take him back. Then again, I still love him, that's half the reason I want him back.

Here I am again, shattered, not in pieces, still one big piece, but shattered.