Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Willing NJ H]

Heim, thanks. I was typing her reply as you responded.

It's strange, I know what to do but get all f'ed up when my emotions get running. I was doing wonderful and feeling great, until I found out that there was an EA with the OM where she works (she told me about it... it's in old posts.) I know I can't worry about the details right now, and not knowing if it was a PA needs to be left alone because it is also out of my control. I just didn't expect that from her, and dealing with it has totally short circuited my sense of reason / common sense. I read my old posts, and want to kick myself in the a$$. Lately I sound like the whining ingrates that I have a hard time dealing with, and I know the answers. You guys have told me, there's proof in success stories, i've even seen DB methods work for me! I need to get control of myself again. I set some goals, but maybe I need to be like NOMO and write a detailed list? Well, maybe I can get more into journaling, and less into coming on here in a panic and throwing words into my thread. I don't know, but it's definately time for me to change. I'm not in control of me right now, and that's not who I am. I'm known as a very confident person, i'd like to get that back while maintaining my sincerity.

[Nomopo]

For what it is worth, your posts paint a different picture of you.

Nomo

PS - If you want a copy of my plan/goals, I'll email it to you to build on/start with.

[Heimlich]

I agree with Nomo, your posts paint a different picture. And, Will, we are ALL confused.

Loved your comment about your 'inner alien' taking over. That's funny.

I had forgotten about the EA earlier, I thought you were refering to the guy on her cell. It takes time to get over that and on an even keel. Took me a good 6 months before I could pass a motel without getting sick to my stomache. It passes. It really does.

Amen, this control and 'as if' stuff is pure hell. But, it does get a little easier day by day. I'm really starting to let me W go and focus on making myself happy. She can either come along for a fun ride to the future or not. Her problem if she decides to walk away. Still hurts like hell though.

Nomo, I'd be curious to see your goals just to see if they're as detailed as I've imagined (I, sec. B, subhead 1, goal a, etc.)
[e-mail]

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks guys. Nomo, it would be great if you could send me a copy.

[Disillussioned]

I was doing wonderful and feeling great, until I found out that there was an EA with the OM where she works (she told me about it... it's in old posts.) I know I can't worry about the details right now, and not knowing if it was a PA needs to be left alone because it is also out of my control. I just didn't expect that from her, and dealing with it has totally short circuited my sense of reason / common sense.

Hey Willing,
I still only suspect there is a E/PA, but it seems as though all the call signs are there. We've discussed it now a couple of times and she still says it is just conversations with the person from work. The other night, she told me that the OG just filed for divorce. That really shakes my confidence. I'd love to believe her, but there's a bit of a skeptic in me.

Nomo,
Not sure if you feel comfortable sharing with everyone, but was wondering if you could post you goals here. I'm sure it would help a lot of us get the ideas flowing.

[Nomopo]

Hope it's ok to hijack a little Will. These were goals I set in late June. I need to re-visit and revise them, but it could get the ball rolling for someone.

Relationship Goals
Long-term
1. We stay married.
2. We work together to build the relationship/marriage that we both want and deserve.
3. My wife acknowledges that her emotional affair was wrong and that it hurt me.
4. My wife takes steps to regain my trust and to remove OM from our lives.
5. We discuss our relationship in a healthy way.

Mid-Term (by January 2008?)
1. Our separation ends.
2. We will do something (dinner, movie, whatever) without the kids.
3. My wife decides to work on our marriage.
4. My wife shows me some physical affection (e.g., hold hands, hug, kiss, arm around me). (This has happened a little - hugs, touch.)
5. We make future plans together (e.g., a family or couples trip).
6. My wife confides in me about something important to her (e.g., work or family issue). (This has happened at least twice.)

Short-Term (One to Two Weeks)
1. My wife checks in with me to see how I am doing. (Happened once.)
2. My wife acknowledges there were some positives between us. (Happened in C once.)
3. My wife goes to dinner or does something with me and the kids. (Has happened several times.)
4. My wife invites me to do things with her and the kids (e.g., dinner or play time). (Has happened.)
5. I reduce to the requisite minimum emails/calls to my wife (saving issues for a good time). (Has happened.)
6. My wife initiates conversations with me. (Has happened.)
7. My wife says something positive to me. (Has happened.)
8. We discuss differences/problems/issues in a healthy way.

Personal Goals
Long-Term
1. I detach emotionally from my wife and my marriage (meaning I take responsibility for, and accept that I alone am responsible for, my happiness and life). (Complete.)
2. I focus on me and my behavior/choices/actions (meaning I accept that I am not my responsible for improving someone else's behavior). (Substantial progress.)
3. I seize this opportunity to make my life into the life I want. (In progress.)
4. Given that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, I focus on the good in, and the strengths of, the people in my life. (Substantial progress.)
5. I recognize and accept that different does not equal wrong. (Complete.)
Short-Term
1. I continue to exercise and eat right. (In progress.)
2. I lose 20 more lbs and further define my ripped six pack . (In progress.)
3. I become more productive at work, billing at least 175 hours/month. (Needs work.)
4. I re-connect with clients by taking at least two to an activity (lunch?) a month. (Ongoing.)
5. I develop new clients by inviting at least two prospects to an activity a month. (Not met.)
6. I Get a Life by accepting invitations to socialize, planning weekend trips, and attending concerts, shows and movies. (Substantial progress.)
7. I re-connect with old friends, by touching base with at least one old friend a week.
8. I (re-)read Steps 6 and 7 and Part III of Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. (Complete.)
9. I finish reading the Five Love Languages and identify mine, my wife's and my kids' primary love languages; I brainstorm ideas on how to fill up love cups. (Complete.)

Hope it helps,
Nomo

[Disillussioned]

Those are great Nomo, thanks.

On the relationship goals, did you share those with your W, or are you just looking for these things to happen?

Willing,
Sorry for the hijack. How's the situation with you? I see you didn't post at all yesterday. Weekend plans? My W is staying the night with a girlfriend and then will be gone all day tommorrow. Hoping the girlfriend can talk some sense to W and not the other way around.

[Nomopo]

D: I didn't share them with the W. Just things I am looking for to happen.

[Willing NJ H]

NOMO and Disillusioned,

No prob at all. Your convo's help me as well... always a bonus. Thanks for the email NOMO, got it today. I'm going to try to put some effort into it over the next few days.

Disillusioned,
Your a month newer than me, so I know it's tough. Start reading all the posts you can, get involved, and read DR (at least). I haven't checked to see if you have your own thread yet, but I will when I get the time.

I wasn't on yesterday becuase I went to a gang class in north Jersey. Awesome class, great chance to netwrok with other cops and investigators from Maryland through N.Y., but the traffic is horrible up there. It should've taken me 1 hour to get there, but it took me 2+ on the way up and almost 3 on the way back. I was so frustrated after sitting in traffic for 3 hours, that I got home, spent time with D and went to bed.

I've been doind better overall, but the thought of her possible having an A behind my back is eating at me. I've been working on it very hard, but my mind and gut aren't listening lol. Every time she leaves the house, gets a pone call or text message, etc., I get all messed up. I've had an upset stomach for the past week, and my system is all out of whack. I'm actually doing great with the S and M issues, even ok with the thought that we may or may not make it, but another man in the middle right now has me going bananas!

W, D, and I went to a local diner tonight, and just hung out afterward playing with D. Ok time, awkward because I know shes only their because of spending time with D, and because she doesn't want me to dislike her if (when in her eyes) we split. I'll take what I can get right now and make the best of it. I know I need the time with her so she can see the new me, but the time with her is what's torturing me the most right now. I see everything in her eyes, and it rips at my gut every time I see the "I don't love you" look in them. I re-read the beginning of DR today, and as Michelle says... it's a long hard road. Thanks for DBers is all I can say. When I don't feel I have the strength to deal with this, we have people who know what we are going through to help us get by.

Disillusioned, thanks for the interest. Listen to NOMO, he's a great guide. Look into others too, there are many experienced DBers, and some new DBers, on here that are wonderful teachers.

[Willing NJ H]

One more thing I forgot, her hanging out with only her single friend from work is driving me nuts. I knnow I can't control it, but it's a horrible influence right now. The girl is very attractive, uses men to suit her needs and get what she wants, and is very active / open with many men. I hate this, because i'm pretty sure it's clouding my W's mind as to it meing "ok for a mom to do", or that this is what she needs to feel free again. She denies that she wants to be like the girl, but she ahngs out with her and her single male friends at least once a week (out drinking and partying). I know I can't control it, but I had to get that out since I can't say it to her.