I Belong Over Here

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, so I'm having a bad day today. For some reason starting thinking about OW. Brief history on her, she worked w/ H when he was here. He's now deployed. We will be staying here when he gets back and she will most likely still be here.

What he told me about the whole thing was that he had a "friend" that he talked to about our problems and that he "started liking her." He said they did not have sex and I believe that. I guess I just never took the time to think about what maybe they DID do though.

At one point during our D sitch, we were going back & forth, well H was going back & forth as to wanting to work things out and then he would let something small change his mind again, although I know it was a lot of inner turmoil too, as well as the EA. Anyway, one time when we were being intimate, he said something along the lines of "you don't have to stick your tongue down my throat." Ok, that embarrasses me to even say, but now I'm thinking maybe they were slightly messing around or why would he all of a sudden have something to compare my or our kisses to? KWIM?

Also one time he busted out w/ "so what do YOU like better, boxers or briefs." Obviously, had been talking to someone else about this.

Anyway, I'm just having a rough time. I don't want details. Some of my friends seem to think I need them to move forward, but I feel that if I know specifics then those things will make it harder for me. Those specifics would be running through my mind. I don't sit around trying to "figure out" what exactly happened.

Sometimes I just have days where everything comes rushing back and it still hurts so much. Then H is over there acting as if everything is so great & wonderful and he's so happy.

I have had a few conversations lately w/ him -- I finally asked him flat out if I needed to worry about OW when he got back and he said no. I also finally asked why he changed his mind and he said "I am so sorry" when I said it just hurts so much still sometimes.

I know I am getting what I want from him, but sometimes it just is still so hard. I know there was a lot of hurtful things that I was doing to get us to the D sitch in the first place, but I honestly never knew how very unhappy he was. When he was being so hateful during the D sitch, he knew exactly what he was saying & doing. He says that he didn't know how to deal w/ our issues so he "just got mad."

I guess the bottom line is that sometimes I don't feel like he's my husband anymore. The man I married and my husband would never have said & done the things he has done to me. Yes, I did some hurtful things, etc., but I never cheated on him. I never told him I didn't love him anymore.

I guess I'm just venting A LOT. My emotions are just all over the place at times.