Thanks to all of you for the support. We had another conversation last night and it will be the last one. I told her what was mentioned above about not progressing as long as someone else was in the picture. I mentioned that she will feel uncomfortable sharing affection with me as long as it continues to be shared with OM. She said she was not sharing herself physically with anyone and hasn't for sometime.
Lets look at the facts as I have hit myself with a 2x4 at this point. Disappointment is not created by the actions of someone else. It is created when their actions do not meet your expectations. I created in my mind the things I wanted to happen this week and they didn't. As a result, I opened up and shared my thoughts and feelings questioning the back forth attitude she has had. With these conversations, I have generated pressure which we all know typically results in a defensive posture and a tendency to run.
Last night's talk did not have any positive effects that can be seen. It is amazing how different things feel now compared to the talk she and I had earlier this week when we kissed. The foot in the mouth comment has had longer lasting effects than I anticiapted too. She brought that up again. She acknowledges the changes but also views that commment as an indicator that I'm not willing to truly accept her.
You want an example of what pressure does. We went from "I wouldn't be comfortable moving into your house" to "I don't need anyone to help support me. This isn't my home. I don't want it to be my home." Out of frustration, I eventually told her that the next time she told me that I wasn't what she wanted that I would close the door and never look back. I couldn't stand by and accept the indecision. The next time she felt like this was the end, I would chime in and make it a joint decision. I asked if this was the time. She said I guess so.
As she stood up to leave the room. She said I know you feel like your life is on hold and it shouldn't be. Do what you want and if we are meant to be, it will happen.
Months of solid work have been harmed with these talks. I felt we had progressed enough to engage in R talk and it be safe but not true. The first talk was more compassionate and she made it clear where she was and requested more time. I pushed it, letting my emotions overcome the patience that I have committed myself to. So guys....give me the kick in the butt I deserve for wanting too much too fast.
