Hi Hap I was being gentle on him though and promised to leave him alone if he'd had enough of me. He denied it and said he was cool with it. So we kind of languidly lay there and did mildly suggestive things to each other, it didn't heat up and I didn't want to just jump his bones again. So I just said, "It's OK if you're tired and not really in the mood". He kind of mumbled something in agreement and backed off so we just lay there for a bit. I have to say I was being very easy on him because I really wasn't sure if I could handle not doing it.
The stuff I have marked in blue is a negative push. Its not honest, and its not attractive. There is no confidance in it. You are not owning your sexuality and desire, you are trying to manuever him into reading your mind. Since you feel like a wanton barwench right now, then why not try acting like a lubricious tart with him?
What would he do if you jumped on the bed, wiggled your ass at him and said 'Rodger me rotten baby.'?
Since your going thru a cycle right now, bring your energy to it. Stop worrying about your H's O, if he want/needs it he will get his. Personally I only O 1/2 to 1/3% of the times I have sex.
The other thread you had, you told your H to 'act like a alpha man, and do this that and the other', thereby taking away (for the majority) his ability to give you what you want. Its lose/lose for both of you. NJ had some good advice.
I understand you want the assertive throw down- take what he wants and use you like a trollop, from your H, so try honestly telling him what you want. Doing that will create vulnerability/intimacy and will more likely get you want you want then doing him the favor of trying to force him to top your top which is (mostly) really unattractive.
you should create situations of sexual excitement that will naturally pump up his chemicals enough to start the chase. The two components most of these scenarios have in common are exhibitionism or revelation of fantasy and delay of gratification. The most tame example he gave was telling your guy about a sexual "dream" you had while sleeping as you're both getting ready for work. The most extreme example he gave was MBing in public in front of a guy. Some other examples would be pointing out the other women you would most likely be willing to have a threesome with when you're out at a restaurant or writing the script for an erotic movie together.
Unless you really want to engage in a threesome, I think that saying that is a bad idea also. However, making a appreciative remarks about a good looking woman, comes off as confidant and honest, as opposed to a catty insecure disparagement, the controlling accusatory rebuke when he acts like a man and notices, or the fake 'Ill pretend I didnt see her, but watch him closely to see if he does' lol.
The 'games' like this -- "naturally pump up his chemicals enough to start the chase. The two components most of these scenarios have in common are exhibitionism or revelation of fantasy and delay of gratification"---did work when I was married, but its completely transparant when women do this to incite you or try to get a reaction. From what I see occur, when a women does it intentionally and it works, she loses respect for the guy she is 'testing' with it. However I see that Mojo qualified it in a later post. To be clear, Im not against the book she is recommending, but it has to be done for your own reasons, not to control your partner. like she said here,
Quote:
Also, I think that the core of the advice being offered here is simply that if a woman wishes to assertively initiate sex, she should put the focus on her own body and sexuality rather than the man's body or sexuality..... Of course, the greater the anxiety a man needs to overcome to be sexual, the more self-confident a woman needs to be. (easy to say rare to see) A perfect example of how this kind of thing can work or not work was that for a while the "trick" of fondling my own breasts in front of my 2bx worked to turn him on. When it stopped working what he said was "I can tell that you are doing it for me not for yourself." He could tell that I desired his reaction not the action itself so he felt pressured to react.
I was going to post something along the same lines in another thread. A action that is stimulating, or attractive ceases to be when its overplayed or done to cause a reaction. For example being humourous and macho when done with the intent of getting a reaction as opposed to done to make yourself laugh or because thats how YOU FEEL about the situation. In a LTR, attempts to manipulate are insulting. If you think your spouse has neither discernment, or self respect, then by all means--give it a whirl. Honesty on the other hand is scary but unreproachable. There is a way to be playful without being over the top manipulative, which can be just plain FUN for both partners. I agree with MJ that it is a question of intent. If you begin to get off solely from the power of it all, well that is just ego. But why not enjoy some of the power, sexiness, and creativity that play has to offer?
Nicely said NJ. Good choice with the nuerobiology. The brain is the best sex organ. the rest is just connectors.
