Separated from WAW

[Nomopo]

dlt1 - do not ask about the rings. Don't bring it up at all. Forget it. This is an important test for you. If things work out, she'll put them back on. You're bouncing back nicely. Keep forgetting the rings.

Nomo

[dlt1]

There is my larger goal, like a big baby step. To get to a point where she wants to wear them again. I'm sure they do cause her pain. I need to think about her viewpoint. Even then, I can't ASSume.
You guys really are why I am bouncing back. I needed it!
Thanks,

[Disillussioned]

I noticed that my wife had stopped wearing her wedding band earlier this week. Not sure if what followed was the best action, but I left mine on the bathroom sink the other morning. Got an email from her asking if I just forgot or if it was deliberate. Replied that I hadn't forgotten, but that I had noticed she wasn't wearing hers. Got home that evening and the ring wasn't where I had left it. Looked around a bit and found a jewelry box with the bands, her engagement and anniversary rings. I'm taking the optimistic view on this as it being symbolic that yes, the M being on hold for a time period, but at some point, I'm hoping we'll be able to open the box to renew the committment.

[dlt1]

I am onboard that the rings are not the problem! The M needs addressing directly. No sidestepping the issue. W still has not called me since my note asking her to call Wed night. The ball is in her court. I am not calling. Have to stop my th ehouse after work (before she gets home), so will text to let her know, but nothing more than that. Maybe she does not want to talk about the R/M this weekend afterall? OK by me. Gives me more time and may show her that I am working on giving her space. Time will tell...

[Not Much Left]

Hey Dis
Have not talked to you before. Why would you toss your wedding ring aside, is that what you want or was it a vindictive behavior which YOU KNOW wont help, will it? Everyone is different, I had a similar thought when this all happened, I thought about handing my wife my ring (that she gave me this Xmas!!!) and the watch she gave me as a symbol that if she was not going to work on things, then I wasnt either. In hindsight, I made the right decision for me, I did not do that at the advice of a very wise person who said to me what I am saying to you, it is a mean, get you back attitude. Not saying yours was, but mine would have been so I didnt do it.

Something to think about. DOnt you want her to know you havnt given up?

C

PS dl, didnt mean to hijack your thread, just got on a roll.

[dlt1]

Well, I texted W to let her know I was stopping by and ended it with "is that OK?"
She called me almost immediately, apologized for not calling back but did not have time and then knew I was out. I said it was no biggie, I said I wasn't sure if leaving the card was pushing things. Anyway, she was glad I was stopping by b/c that gives her more time to visit her old cats that she is watching this week at a friend's house. She asked about Sunday and we settled on 4:00. That's when it all goes down! I asked how she was and she said "pretty good" in a confident way. Asked me, and I said, "Good, hanging in there." in a not as confident way. Talked to her about the pipe I hope to fix while she and parents are out fo the house tomorrow. I think I ended up explaining everything about plumbing, finally realized and shut up. Said, "have a good weekend and I will see you Sunday."
I am still very worried that she is ready to give up, but have a working plan of how to begin and what to say to get her looking to the future and reassuring her that I am not looking for commitment/guarantee. Just that we should give ourselves time to work with C and fidn out how much of what has happened can be fixed/changed once we realize why we were acting that way. I have 'stolen' bits of convo's from several of you and plan on consolidating the parts that best apply to my M. Hope to post a version of that Saturday afternoon/evening. So please check back that night or Sunday morn and let me know what you think. It's nice to know we have a team here!
PS I'm VERY curious if she will be wearing rings when I come over, as well as when her parents are in town. Just on my mind, not dwelling...as much as possible.

[Not Much Left]

We are here bro.

[Nomopo]

D,

I don't think I would try to explain the intent on the rings, unless she asks.

Nomo

[dlt1]

I agree, let her bring it up. I hope I can stick to my own advice on this one!

[Willing NJ H]

DLT,

Sorry I haven't caught up in a few days, i've been a total mess myself. I'm learning to deal, and you were one of the people who helped me see reason. I think you need to step aside and take an outside look at our sitch though. I just read the last 2 pages of your posts, and I think that if I had posted those comments (which I have), you would give me an answer as to how to handle myself properly.

Don't forget about the things you read in DR. "After months of negative interaction, women finally give up. They tell themselves, "I've tried everything. Divorce has got to be better than this. I'll find somebody who cares about me. Even if I don't, I'm so alone in this marriage, I can't take it anymore. I know I'll be happier without him." And with that, they plan their escape."(pg. 39). "First, you, not your spouse, are going to have to do the lion's share of the work here. Because your spouse is skeptical, at best, you are the one who is going to have to prove that life together can be different. You may not like the fact that it feels so one-sided, but for now, I say, that's too bad. That's just how it is. Get used to the idea, swallow your pride, and push up your sleeves." "It Probably took years for your marriage to reach this point and repairing the damage will take time. If you are an impatient person by nature, you are going to have to work on yourself to alow down. Patience is more than a virtue, it's a necessity."(pg. 43) "...unless you follow the steps in this book, you will never know for sure whaether or not your marriage could have been saved. Right now, you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain." (pg. 44)"The hardest parts of this program are not the skills you will learn, it's the application of those skills. Your emotions about your spouse and your marriage have the potential to make you say and do things that will derail you from achieving your goal." "... I guarantee that your emotions will ambush ou from time to time." "It will be your job to stop your negative feelgins from having a life of their own. I want to warn you that this marriage saving stuff isn't exactly a piece of cake because I believe that forewarned is forearmed." (pg. 47)

I know you know this stuff, I do too, but I needed to read and re-read those passages several times over the last few days. Reading DR is the only way I can stay on track right now. Michelle has over twenty years of experience, there's nothing we can throw at her that she hasn't seen. The way I see it, the only hope we have is to live the DB / DR methods, and see what happens. If she says don't do it or you'll have a set-back, I try with all of my heart not to make that mistake. I can't handle any major set-backs right now, so I try to remain conscious about my actions.

The rings don't matter, the affairs don't matter, her words don't matter, etc. All that matters right now, is our goals. If you want a positive outcome, you have to be positive. No more being down when she's around, be confident and understanding. when your alone, mourn for a bit, then reassure yourself that you will be ok in time.

Let her speak, let her run the conversation. Don't be in a hurry to rush your point of view at her. Make minor suggestions when she leaves the opening, then listen to her reply. Let her decide what will work, that will mean that she's open to trying those methods. If you force-feed her your opinions on the matter because your afraid, you'll get the outcome you don't want. I know the urges you have, I feel them all day long. HOLD BACK. If you have an urge to say something, and you think about saying it, keep it to yourself. If mentioning the ring to her were appropriate, it wouldn't feel wrong to do. If your talk this weekend is used to show her YOUR plan on doing things, you run the risk of showing her that your being controlling and fearful, which will push her farther away. I know your doing great with this stuff, but in these stressful moments our emotions take over if we aren't careful. Follow the rules, listen to NOMO, HEIM, and all of the rest of us who have made mistakes. My W told me she doesn't think she ever loved me, doesn't love me know, isn't attracted to me anymore, and had an EA. I'm still here fighting because I know it's the alien talking. Right now I don't think she'll ever change, but I need to know I did everything I could to fight for my M. Hold back your urges with her bro, don't let things out that you know are against everything you've learned. You know what to say and what not too, you tell me all of the time, listen to your "beginners brain" and not your "expert brain." I read over parts of DR that i've highlighted before I have big discussions with my W. It helps me come back to earth long enough to hold my tongue, then I come on here and vent to you guys.

Hope all goes well, sorry so long.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, we're all here for you. I know this is long, but I needed to read this stuff to help me with the A. I'm still hurting, but it feels much better than it did.