Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[Nomopo]

Hi there Slowly!! {{{{{Slowly}}}}}

Hi Nomo - I'm so happy with the progress you are making with you Shaking OM's hand, making eye contact - wow. Just this could be considered achievement of the month

Thanks!

Your PMA is high (endorphins from exercise, social validation from here and face to face meetings, meeting goals from your PLAN) so you are able to contextualize this huge step. W on the other hand, is busy at work, conflicted, and will definitely need a LOT more time to digest just what this means. Patience, patience, patience.

Wise words, and they make sense to me too! Is this (universal) need for patience by LBSs related to your screen name?

W said at one point that she is not quite sure who she is going to get when she talks to me. Sometimes she says that I sound really good (for example, she said, I sounded great on the phone call last night from SD's party - really happy, and like I am doing well), but other times I seem short/cold or sad. This surprised me and I didn't really understand it because I felt like I have been pretty positive (maybe neutral at times), but sad/cold just doesn't make sense to me.

Tough love coming up. This is probably a 'language' thing - as in Mars/Venus. I can see how she gets this impression. She is probably magnifying in her mind those time when you have been in a funk. Magnifying because they touched her more than your other interactions. Maybe they triggered memories of the not-so-rosy past. In fact, seeing you on your 'great' moments and then seeing you in a funk, may be showing her a split personality?

That all makes a lot of sense. And always bring the tough love (though it wasn't so tough really ).

Oh, this is so hard. Of course you are going to have bad days. But given her sensitivities, maybe a few scripts up your sleeve, like 'honey it's great to see you, but I have a piece of glass in my shoe and I'm not going to be good company' right up front, may help her?

I love the script idea. Thanks!

BTW, right after I used the expression, it's like there is a little devil on my shoulder (thanks CVA!), W piped in "we all have a little devil on our shoulders." I wonder what she meant by this. Maybe she was trying to make me feel better, and nothing more than that, but in hindsight I am wondering if she means she is tempted to go with OM, or to hurt me, or to just throw in the towel and quit/leave, or do something she ? Any thoughts? Who knows, really, besides W?

This is actually good. This whole process works if where possible you can diffuse the H vs W thing, and acknowledging that you both have a little devil to contend with will be yet another common ground. It is the sort of thing you can joke about, and does not always have to be about the R. My vote is to build on this theme. Fun Nomo is more credible if he has a little devil whispering in his ear, about postponing work, enjoying forbidden sweets with kids, and if necessary, even about running away to the exotic East

Good take. I like it! Singapore is on the to do list!

She pushed to talk now by phone, and got up to shut her door. So we did it. It was emotional on my part anyway, and I just said there were two things I wanted to talk to her about. First, that I had been thinking about our JC session and the cycle that led us to grow apart really upset me. And I walked through that cycle on the phone (and she was agreeing) and explained how I had denied my needs. And she agreed with that too. I explained that it was really just hitting me pretty intensely, as I thought I had understood it on a different level in the context of our R. She validated and said she sees how her pulling away was not good for us either and how it hurt me. (I could sense in her mind a little defensiveness, and suspect she was playing the blame game in her head a bit and thinking that well, you hurt me first.) She was concerned and compassionate and supportive. She also said all this focus on me was really good and important for me, and she was very glad it is happening. (I think she still doesn't quite get that she needs to do the same thing.)

I'm glad you went with your gut on this. Good call. She is definitely in the mood for you. I think her pushing to speak right away was fabulous.

Thanks!

And remember some time ago we spoke about her underlying need to see that the S that she initiated has been good for everyone? I think you just gave her a big piece of that. I know, she needs to see that some of the this is homework for her too, but for now, you've just empowered her a little bit more to declare the separation as productive, and be a little more comfortable that there have been changes all round, to maybe initiate exploring the getting-back-together. But this too will take time, so patience, patience, patience

This was the BIGGEST thing I got out of your post. I do remember, and you know what, I understood what you said (to help alleviate guilt, she can't end the S too fast because she put the family through this), but I didn't feel it. I didn't feel like the S could be viewed as productive by me. If I had tried to say that, it would have failed. So I had tucked that nugget away and was chewing on it slowly.

Well, in the JC session, the C asked W about her guilt. W admitted it. C thinks it is a lot of guilt.

Now don't get me wrong, the S has sucked and I am not at all sure I would put my kids through a S again if it were up to me in a do-over, BUT . . I DO see some positives. I do think it has been productive for me, and for her, and hopefully for us. And it feels REALLY weird saying that, but it's true. And it feels honest. I said before that I think our S might have been unavoidable if we were to have a chance to save our M, and now I think (given W's mindframe and what I needed to learn) that is was absolutely necessary. So I probably would put my kids through again (in these exact same circumstances).

So, this morning in IC I told C about your thoughts on this (and she was nodding calmly), and then I told her about my realization and she almost jumped out of her chair (she did thrust her arms into the air) and said yes! Seriously, she was beaming for like 5 minutes. And I told her I had trouble believing it, but I planned to bring it up next session when C asks both of us if we have been thinking about the last session. C thinks I should and that this will be GREAT.

((((((Slowly, my friend))))) I am grateful yet again for your support and time.

Nomo