Okay, not a lot of time to post this morning because I still need to pack! But, here are some great strategies...pick and choose among them, there's no "right" way to use them.
1. In My Control/Out of My Control chart
About a given situation, list the things you can control in one column and the things you can't control in the other. Either fold the list to hide the out of my control stuff or tear it and throw it away. Too often we put our energy into things outside of our control (like our H's feelings about OW, his texting, etc.) instead of focusing on what's in our control--our thoughts, our feelings, our actions. This is a good one to help you detach from a particular situation and can be used as a vehicle for problem solving for YOU.
2. Gratitude journaling--Every morning or evening, carve out 10-15 minutes just to write down all the things you are grateful for in your life. Some days are harder than others, but it's amazing how it helps you refocus on the positives in your life instead of the negatives.
3. Where am I? Where do I want to be? journaling--Take a particular situation in your life and assess. For example, you might list where you are with your feelings about OW, and then write about how you want it to be. It's kind of like outlining your beginning and ending destinations. I wrote about how I wanted to have weeks at a time where I didn't think about her, and that if I saw her at a function or out somewhere, I could be pleasant and not at all threatened by her. Lots of other stuff too.
4. Love letter to yourself--Write yourself a love letter and keep it with you all the time. Read it frequently, especially when you start feeling down or frustrated or start running your OW story in your head.
5. Rewrite your story--this was HUGE for me. I essentially took all of the events post-bomb and wrote the happy side of that experience. If not for H dropping the bomb and having feelings for OW, I wouldn't be where I am today in terms of my M or how strong and smart I've grown. When the old story comes up in my head, I just remind myself of the positive story.
6. Pivotal questions journal exercise--When you find yourself in a situation where you feel treated badly or unfairly, ask yourself the following questions:
*If there was something that I was gaining from this situation, what might it be? (the payoff) *Why am I allowing this person or situation to victimize me? *How can I change my perception of this event so that I don't feel victimized? *I have choices: Do I need to walk away? Do I need to change the context in which I view the situation? etc.
Those are just a few strategies...but I've done a lot of work around what's in my control and out of my control, and it always helps me refocus. I can choose to think about and hold onto OW, or I can let her go and think about something else. I can put my energy on holding onto the past, or I can put it on here and now where I have a chance to make things different in my M.
Hope these help!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
