HBT - You are showing some real postive signs in your post. Taking a stand on the finances and not helping him with it, protecting your daughter, no tears, and, of course, fixing your door. Congratulations!!!! Keep it up. Continue to focus on you and your daughter!!
Now, if we can just get you to eat something and not throw it up.... Baby steps, baby steps.....
HBT - You are showing some real postive signs in your post. Taking a stand on the finances and not helping him with it, protecting your daughter, no tears, and, of course, fixing your door. Congratulations!!!! Keep it up. Continue to focus on you and your daughter!!
Now, if we can just get you to eat something and not throw it up.... Baby steps, baby steps.....
HBT - You are showing some real postive signs in your post. Taking a stand on the finances and not helping him with it, protecting your daughter, no tears, and, of course, fixing your door. Congratulations!!!! Keep it up. Continue to focus on you and your daughter!!
Now, if we can just get you to eat something and not throw it up.... Baby steps, baby steps.....
YIPEEE!!! Htb, If you were close I would give you a big hug!! You handled yourself beautifully!!! I can't tell you how awesome you sound. Seems like you did a great job and took control of the situation...shocked your H a bit too I suppose?? Great job at fixing the door, guaranteed your H was shocked by that too...this past spring before I even had any idea H would come home I ordered mulch and spread it myself...doesn't sound like a a big feat but if I could have astroturf and fake flowers for my yard I would!! I do not have a green thumb at all. I was so proud of myself and the house looked great. H told me after when he came to pick up the girls one day he almost drove through the garage when he saw the mulch...shocked him! I have to say you sound stronger today, don't you feel better that you took a stand? You were right when you said to bad he doesn't like you like that....he doesn't not like being in control. I am sorry about your daughter. Give her lots of love and attention and she will be ok. It really stinks when you need a rock to support you while at the same time she needs you to be her rock! We are here to support you!
HBT Sounds like you are starting to get things together; there will be bad days and good days and those days where you go from one to the other. Stay strong for the kids they will need you to be there, looks like you are doing that with your D. I found that it will bother them that you are doing things with them, it did my W. funny thing is it was everything we did before she just didn’t realize it. Some say this is a journey that THEY go on and everyone has to go along with, not that we want to but they just take us along not telling us where we are going. Just this morning I received a phone call from the "old" person that I knew. She wanted to setup a joint C session. Was even able to talk about the argument that caused her to take off her ring, but I stopped her telling her we could save it for C. I didn't want to start another argument because that is where it usually ends up. I'm not sure this was in any of you’re posts, do not start any R talk to try and fix things, try to avoid it when he brings it up. They like to justify what they are doing and will bait you into an argument it pushes them farther away. I fell for this a few times and each time it was her issue and she was able to project the problem onto me. I hung up the phone wondering to myself how the heck did she do that. My oldest daughter has even wised up, W started something with D and tried to project the problem onto her. D told her it was her issue and to deal with it she walked away leaving her crying on the beach! D also told her that she would no longer relay messages to me for her. Other issues such as finances you have to stand your ground but if the conversation turns to R talk be careful. Each time I started on the R to “fix it” it only caused anger and bitterness and she withdrew further. Our talk this morning was very civil, she still relies on me to do all the things I did before like the bills and other household stuff. Maybe being alone all this weekend and the space and time I gave her since July 8th has helped. Hardest thing I have ever done was to break all contact with someone I have talked to every day for over 20 years. But maybe this will allow her the time to think and figure some of her issues out. I used my very close friends during this time when ever I had problems, I felt sorry for them some times because of how I was dumping on them.
Stay strong you will land on your feet.
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
hope, I know its a start, I do, but I'm having a pretty hard time keeping it up, being w/ my kids all day, the reality takes over. My patience is shot,feeling guilty,my heart is heavy and tears are welling in sadness and frustration. I only wish I was stronger and more in control but I gave that away-so so sad...
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
you did not give away your strength and control, give yourself some credit, you were knocked off at the knees. Of course you are still reeling, this is all new. You will be strong and in control when you need to be. Not crying last night is being very strong and control of your own actions. Hope is right, you will land on your feet!
HBT - hang in there...it is tough. I snapped at my little one today for no reason - she just kept asking questions - nothing important - but I wanted silence so I could think. I apologized to her. We are all human and are going to make mistakes. Mom is right - we have all been knocked off our knees and you are doing fine - you made big strides last night. Focus on your victories....
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I'll check the boards first thing, but then I will be gone for a number of days and won't return until Wednesday night. I don't want to use my sil's computer because I don't want there to be a trail of what sites I visited.
Several days without the support here, and being with his sister...a little scary for me...
HBT "My patience is shot,feeling guilty,my heart is heavy and tears are welling in sadness and frustration." We all go though this. You did not give strength away, you just buried it because there was no need to worry. I know that during my 20 years I rarely showed emotion, no tears other than when my best friend died. When you give your trust to someone and build a life together no one ever thinks this could happen. I spent a number of days alone thinking and trying to find answers. My counselor on the second visit told me that I was going in circles because the answers I was looking for could only be answered by her. I had the tears and still do at times, it hurts and will for a long time no matter how this all turns out. You have to be strong for the kids, I never cried in front of them though I came close. Remember this is not about you and it's not your fault, I am sure that you may feel as I did in that it is because that is how we all feel when this starts. Taking the blame only gives them assurances that they are doing the right thing. Like I said my W has not told her parents and its been 70 days, we had them up to the summer home along with the rest of her family for the 4th of July like always. She wanted me to pretend that everything was ok between us, just one sister and SIL knew what was going on. We slept together just so no one would suspect anything. I can not believe I went along with it because it hurt so much to lie them all of them. During dinner one night her dad said us “you were such perfect hosts”. She rolled her eyes and made some comment, me I wanted to crawl under a rock. When everyone left I started a R talk to see if I could "fix it". That ended with her getting the kids up and leaving at 6am. But not before she told me not to call her, text her or see her, ever. I called it like I saw it the weekend was a charade and when everyone left she felt comfortable enough to leave. She is still living the charade. That day she took her ring off and hasn't put it back on, oh she wears something on her finger during family events but not her ring and I don’t go. I refuse to put myself in that position again. That day was worst than the day she dropped the bomb on me. It took 2 weeks for her to call me but that was so she could project an issue onto me and feel better about herself. I tell you all this because I know how you feel, I went through all the same feelings, failure to keep our marriage going, the guilt because I thought it was my fault, the tears and sadness. You will learn patience, it takes time but you will learn. I typed so many text messages that were never sent I can't count them. I still just want to shake her and say what are you doing, but that will not help. They must be allowed to complete their journey on their own no one else can do anything for them. While my W is on her journey I decided to look at my life and what I had become. I wrote down all the significant events in my life, looked at my relationships with my family, brothers and mother. I looked at their relationships that they have had, especially my mother since my father died when I was very young. I went through my relationships and how I acted, before my W and during our 20 years together. The relationship with my kids and how I was as a father. My career and how it has affected me and the family, my career choice was an issue just before we decided to get married. When that was all done I had some of the answers I was looking for but more importantly I had some direction because there was some things that I wanted to change about me for the better. So as your H is starting is journey you might want to consider sitting down and looking, this is your time! I know it’s hard right now and you just want it all to end so you can get back to the way it was before. It will never be the same, it can’t be or you will find yourself back here again. I have vowed never to make the same mistakes again, sounds like I am taking blame but I am not. I take responsibility for my own actions because it takes two in a R to make it work, they have to be willing to work at it. Mine asked that I setup joint C that I asked for at the start of June two days ago. You will learn to have patience, and you will be a stronger person because of this, and you will gain control over yourself once again. Please understand that this takes time to work out, only you will know how long you can wait. There are a lot of people here to vent to, pass things by to see what they think, and those that are willing to share went they are going through or went through.
If you want to do some reading I read “parenting teens with love and logic”, and new one I’m reading is “what about the kids, raising your children before during and after divorce”. They are both good books.
Sorry for the length I can get carried away some times. I'll leave you two quotes that I use for inspiration, I believe that I read them on this board somewhere. "Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking".
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
Stay strong
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
