For me fusion is wanting to live the other's emotions or wanting them to live yours. Connection is empathising with the other's emotions while not actually living them.
H wants me to live his emotions and gets bummed when I don't - he accuses me of having no empathy. If I am not sad when he's sad then I am unfeeling and callous and all my expressions of care and sympathy are fake, the same goes for happy too although he is happy less than he is sad. If he is really up about something it is not good enough that I am pleased for him, I have to be just as upbeat as he is otherwise I get accused of raining on his parade. He wants us to feel the exact same emotions about everything. When this doesn't happen he makes moves to make it happen. When H ain't happy ain't nobody happy.
To me this is fusion. I think this is why any attempt on my part to cheer him up gets so quickly shot down in flames. It is because as far as he is concerned not only am I showing an utter disregard for his feelings but I am being dangerously unfused by having enough cheerfulness in me to even try.
I guess I am somewhat fused too, because I do feel miserable when he is miserable. My reaction to feeling miserable is to try and jolly myself out of it again.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
