Second, I brought up her hostile reaction to the idea that OM is a problem, and how she had said we had many other very big problems. I could sense hostility again on this point. I said I understood what she was trying to say, and that I agree we had problems long before the EA came to fruition. She said really? I said yes, and that I had said as much before, but I sensed today that she hadn't heard me or believed me, so I want to say it again clearly. She thanked me. I did also say I thought she had not validated how hard it was for me to deal with this issue, and referred to our exchange in JC about her and OM saying me bumping into them was "awkward." Well, did you hear me today say I understood? I said yes, but off the record I could use more validation.
You've made so much progress in your remarkable counseling session--and in the phone call you initiated! Your renewed feeling of optimism certainly must be sensed by your wife: nothing like having a real PMA, as opposed to one you're trying to fake.
I'm just wondering whether your wife will ever admit the destructive role of the OM if she is directly challenged. To admit it, is to admit guilt, and while it's fairly easy to admit that you haven't been responsive enough, or that you've been too involved in work, an EA is of a different order of guilt. She may not be at a point of even daring to look objectively at her own role in your marriage problems.
OM/EA may not be a subject that can even be approached with her through a logical route. When you've talked to W about your feelings about the EA--maybe of vulnerability and sadness--does she close down in the same way? Does every mention of OM force the same shut down?
Maybe it's a subject that can abandoned for a time. I'm not really sure of what the correct thing is, but I might tend to see where not pursuing the topic might lead.
