Glad to hear from you again Sandi!...sorry you had a rough patch with your health but so very glad to hear that you are still with us and still working on being the best woman and wife again...it is encouraging for so many here that have WAW's to know that it is possible for them to come to their senses...sometimes it is much worse then what you are dealing with...but it is still all the same thought processes...
Ok...will do. But, this is the shortest post I have probably ever sent...lol.
Thanks Lin. You always encourage me and amaze me by your words. I'll never understand your patience! Amazing! I hope I can love like that some day....real, real soon.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Whew. Never thought I'd say "Praise the Lord it was just the fibromyalgia!". I am glad it was something you could see a doctor for and have treated as opposed to what I was thinking!
I am also glad you have the eyes to see all the blessings taking place in your life and yes, although you do not feel "worthy" right of doing His work right now, God WILL use you to help others.
I'll keep checking on you. You keep fighting the good fight.
Sandi...you are helping others right now...just like AmyC suggested...I have read where you have explained as best you could the feelings you have/had as a WAW to those who are struggling to have some sort of understanding...you have laid your self out there for others even though you are in pain too...this sort of giving and helping of others will help to bring a long way in your own healing...and in your own forgiveness...I agree 1000% with what your mother said because I saw this with my H...he couldn't really accept my forgiveness...or God's for that matter...until he had forgiven himself...
Something that might help you here...is it is time to forgive yourself when you are no longer "practicing sin"...that is you are no longer communicating with that man...and you are working on making things write...yes, at times you feel weak...you might think wrong thoughts but you don't ACT on them and you keep plugging ahead...it is vital to forgive yourself now for THOSE PAST actions...and keep seeking forgiveness for the day to day things we all deal with...you NEED God's forgiveness...you NEED your H's forgiveness...you NEED your families forgiveness...but most of all before all others you have to be ready to forgive yourself (i.e. stop your sins and acknowledged your errors)...
Sandi...you have done wonderful selfsacraficing things here...you are desiring to work things out with your husband...and in time I am sure you will start thinking "those" thoughts about him that are more wifely...you taking steps to build that R/M back with him...to respect him for his love and devotion instead of looking at him with those "other glasses"...the blinders that Satan uses on us when we are down and weak...it is understandable how things happened with your H given the long lack of intimacy...but still you have not given up in your heart...there remained enough in you for you to pull away from what was wrong and realize that you NEEDED to work on what was right...I have faith in you that like my H...who had lost desire and love for me...and he had actually had not only an EA but a PA and had moved away from me...that someday...your determination and actions will pay off with a spark for your H...and eventually a desire with the kind of love you want...and the love he wants from you, his wife....
It is all inside of you Sandi...you just have to keep peeking through the cracks, unlocking all those doors, taking down the bricks in those wall one by one...and then one day you will be here not with shame and guilt...but with confidence and success that you can share with others...that you can give back to prevent may another "almost WAW/WAH" from exiting the door of their home...or you can comfort one who is a LBS as you have been doing in helping them understand those feelings...you ARE DOING A WONDERFUL THING HERE...it won't go unnoticed...it won't go unrewarded!!!
Remember that and like Amy said again....listen to your mother she sounds like a very precious and wise woman...
Hope you continue to feel better each day...physically, emotionally, and spiritually....take care....Lin
Sandi, I just read some of your posts from the last couple of weeks glad I stopped here. I wanted to be a WAW years ago but haven't for 2 main reasons. Before the kids, I never met an OM then I couldn't after the kids. Wasn't going out that much and still never found one.
I really know what you are talking about how hard it is for a woman to have sex when they don't feel it. This is where my and my H's M started breaking down. He wasn't giving me his quality time among other things so I just found it really hard to have sex with him and enjoy it. This is part of our woman feelings. After so long of me telling my H no or not being into it is when he finally shut down to me which was about 8 months ago and with our break down is when he started telling me that he didn't love me anymore. When this happened is when I did a 180 and wanted him back again and started once again to find him sexually attractive. In between our first and second bomb, I once again desired him and initiated sex alot in those 2 weeks. Heck we must have had as much sex in those 2 weeks as we did in the whole year before it. Even tho he told me during the first and second bomb, that he didn't think that he loved me anymore he had no problems whatsoever having sex with me at all.
I knew that he couldn't get his love back right away but I thought if we could just try doing what we needed to do and going thru all the actions of going out and spending alone time that we could get that loving feeling again but 2 weeks into our working it out, so I thought, I found a thing he wrote about wanting to be with the OW and paying a price to be with her is when i kicked him out of the house. I still don't know if it was right to do that. He seemed to be trying in those 2 weeks but like you know had this fantasy of wanting to be with her. I don't think he really broke it off with her or what was going on because he never told me. Was it just a grieving process or was it still him wanting to have both his home and her I don't know but I do know since i kicked him out that he has been very much involved with her. If I DR and this site back then maybe I might have tried to keep home and just DB but guess we cannot second guess what happened. The sitch is what it is now and hoping H will come back.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
I have to share something with you. I got in from work today and took my shower, etc. and was feeling pretty bad...physically, but still good otherwise. I took a short nap and got up to check on my messages here.........then it suddenly dawned on me......this is the first day that not one thought of the OM even entered my mind until I started reading some old stuff! Can you believe it? Not once today did I think of him! There has got to be some advantages of working yourself to death...lol. But, seriously, it didn't stop my mind from wandering around before. I am so excited to know that the Lord is helping my unworthy self out of this "hell" I have caused. I am also very thankful for something else....back when the OM and I was plotting a "meet face-to-face"? (Doesn't that sound so pretty and cleaned up?) This would have been around the time we were looking at doing it. But instead....I feel like a had a spiritual reunion or revival with the Lord. This may be hard for some non-christian folks to hear....but....I don't care....it is just the way it is and I'm not backing down from it. You see, I know that a lot of people have been praying hard for me and my family....I have "felt" the prayers, but most of all I have seen the "results" so quickly! Which makes me think the devil is saving up more spit to come back and hit me harder, so don't stop the prayers!
When I chose the nickname of sandi2 I did not think about my favorite Christian music singer at that particular time, because I didn't want to think about anyone that was in those "circles"....lol. But, Sandi Patty is my all time favorite. She can just get about one bar belted out and I am crying like a baby. Anyway, I thought something must have happened in her life a few years ago, because she was at the top and suddenly....I never heard about her anymore. I wondered if she might have been in bad health or something, but nobody ever mentioned her name on the Christian TV chanels. After I had found this board and was reading everyone's threads, I was also reading DR and other books. Anyway, I was in our Christian bookstore....and before I walked in the door, I just whispered a prayer and I told God that He knew what I needed to read and to please help me to find it. Well, I found a couple of other books, but what I am getting around to is I found a book written by Sandi Patty. It is called "Falling Forward" and it would help the WAS to read it. You see, I found out right off the first few pages that she (the great Christian singer) had had an affair and her M had broken up....the family was broken, etc. She had written more about that experience in another book, but I couldn't find it...yet. In this book, she tells how the Lord will use you when you get your heart right with Him. She wrote about her own weaknesses and battles with low self-esteem, etc. But you see, it soothed my hurting soul so much. After church Wednesday night I thought about Sandi Patty and I how much God has used her...even after her "fall" He still forgave her and is stll using her to bless others with her beautiful voice and now her books.
I want to heal as fast as I can. I want my family to heal as fast as they can, also. But, I also realize that everyone is different and special and the time frame is different for each one. I will tell anyone that knows my story that I have not been on here long...but it feels like years! I don't have to tell you who have stood by me and helped when I would send out those pleas for help in times of struggle, that it has not been easy. SSome of the things that were told to me, I had to kind of put on the "back burner" to use or roll over in my mind....when I could cut through a little more of the "fog". I'm still not "fixed" and hope I am alert at all times to watch out for the "tempter", cause I know he's going to come calling when I feel my weekest or least expect anything to pop up. But.....I am forgiven, and loved, and I know I will work in the church again....which was always my life before the OM/EA.
Wow, here I go again writing a "book". But, I am encouraged.....and it has been sooooo long since I have felt that. And, yes, thank the Lord that it was "just the fibromyalgia"....lol.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi! Hope you have a good Fri. You sound stronger about where you are. Good for you.
CVA
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Hope you have a good Fri. You sound stronger about where you are. Good for you.