Thanks guys for all your input....
I am not going to take this lying down anymore and nor will I fight so hard to keep it together.
I will however arm myself with strength and knowledge.
Yestarday for instance it seemed he got peeved and was ready to leave ( I put him on complete ignore) and he went downstairs and came up and hour or so later and he never left.
Since his episode I do not ask where he is going or call him when he is gone and it seems he diffuses himself.
But anyway I am no longer trying to figure him out or "change" him by example,,, or explain when you are friends with this wh*re it makes me feel x, y or z.

I have had enough actually.... I do still love him but I will love him from a distance..... I refuse to feel like I am on a rollercoaster anymore. I want stability and he can later join me or he can stay on his crash collision course.... when he hits rock bottom .... Oh I dunno what the future holds but I do know that I want to be happy and I wanted to be Happy with him and our kids.

I want to be his Wife not his Mother... so that is one thing I have gotten from this ,, that I worry to much about him and I "mother" him too much ... he himself said he is a Grown Man... ( even though lately he has not acted like one)....

So I will let go for now and hope that he will get better,, but for now I have to get even stronger and when I talk to him just make statements and GAL.

I love him but not this sick version of him and even though it breaks my heart.... maybe he will never "come" back. And Maybe he will.... but again for now time to stop holding my breath and time to start LIVING.

This Fall I plan to go back to work or start my Business idea that I have for an Errand service. And yes work on my SOUL COG!
I know I deserve way much more than I get and I need to work on me and get stronger so that I am no longer vulnerable.
I feel so much pressure to help him get better and yet somehow I think he needs to do this on his own..... I .....

I am confused on what to do exactly but I know that I am valuable and worthy of love and so is he but he just does not love himself enough to put our love first. I do but for now I will have to show myself more love ... I really do not feel like myself nor do I sound like me. I want me back.
Can I find me again ? I think so .... I will keep you all posted you have given me so much to think about..... I feel sad and yet I know it will be ok.
God bless....