Am I seperated? Looking for support/advice...

[savingus77]

So I had my 2nd appt. with the therapist last night and it went really well. 1st session so far (with either therapist) where I was not in tears the whole time. Just 1 or 2 here and there. So I do feel like I am getting stronger every day. Like they say, "what doesn't kill you....yada yada yada".

I do like this therapist so much better than the 1st one and I am so glad I looked for another one. I had never been to a therapist before so I didn't really know what to expect. It is my suggestion that everyone go see at least 2 before you pick one to settle with. It's like interiewing for a position, you may think you found the perfect candidate, until someone else walks in your office and you realize how much more that person has to offer.

The therapist has again brought up the time thing. He asked me how long I will allow this to go on like this. How long will I continue to live in the same house with him, where I don't know each day if he is going to come in the door and tell me he is moving out or filed for divorce. Each day where I try to talk or share things with him about my day and I get nothing in return. Each night where he sleeps in a separate bed from me and shows me no affection whatsoever. When he has not given me one verbal recogonition at all that he thinks we have any chance to work through this.

The therapist brings up a good point - he does not see how being in the situation we are now that things can move forward in any direction. It is as though we are at a stale-mate. If we are not talking how can we resove things or figure out what needs to be done. If we are not physically seperated, how would we/he know if we truly do not want to be with the other person. With the way our situation is right now, it does not seem possible that my H would come home one day and say "ok, I want to work on things". I just don't see how that could ever happen.

[whatsyourpoint]

Good advice on finding the therapist. When I interviewed a second one recently, after ditching one who apparently only wanted to teach me to meditate for now, he basically told me to find a life coach. No luck yet.

I know this more from reading other's sitches than my own, but you have only just started a long term process and you have to take care of yourself first. Only then will your H be drawn back to you.

I haven't thought this through yet, and it might not be appropriate, but it seems to me that R talk can be like training a dog not to crap in the house by holding his nose to it. The dog thinks, yeah, that's my crap. The dog goes there again, or somewhere else you don't want him to. Better training is done by paying attention to the dog and creating the opportunity for him to crap in the right place. Keep doing more of the same and he will keep crapping in the right place. Make any sense?

[Not Much Left]

The therapist has again brought up the time thing. He asked me how long I will allow this to go on like this. How long will I continue to live in the same house with him, where I don't know each day if he is going to come in the door and tell me he is moving out or filed for divorce. Each day where I try to talk or share things with him about my day and I get nothing in return. Each night where he sleeps in a separate bed from me and shows me no affection whatsoever. When he has not given me one verbal recogonition at all that he thinks we have any chance to work through this.

S
You sound impatient like the rest of us. Think about it, it has not been that long. Your para above from the therapists caused me to quote it, which I dont usually do. Be careful with your therapist comments. It strikes me that this therapist may push you to an ultimatum to get off "dead center". IT NEEDS TIME, PLEASE GIVE IT SOME TIME.

That is why everyone here says focus on you. It gets easier. Harder when there is a bad / neutral interaction, for sure. But just know that we all have experienced what you are dealing with.

[not an ex yet]

Hey there. I'm glad to hear you had a good session with the therapist. I do sort of see where he is coming from about not moving forward in your current position. Do you have any family or friends that live out of town that you could go visit for a long weekend or something? What if you took it upon yourself and said, "hey, I need to get away for a little while and I am going to go stay with so and so." Maybe having you away for four or five days will give him a little bit of time to think about things. It may not be long enough for him to realize he misses you and stop all this, but it might be enough to spark some feelings or at least a conversation.
I actually did this. When H said he wanted D, I took off a Monday and Friday from work and left and stayed with my parents for a day and then went to my sisters. When I told him I was leaving, he got mad and said that I needed to stay home and be at work, not running away feeling sorry for myself. I told him I didn't feel sorry for anyone, I was getting away to have some fun and not think about it and it really wasn't his business anymore what I was doing. He apologized later for jumping my case, but it gave us both some time away from the situation. I didn't call him the whole time I was away.
Anyway, that is my .02 cents.

[savingus77]

About the R talk - the dog poop analogy actually does make sense. I actually haven't initiated any R talk in a few weeks now - but I feel like in doing so we are moving farther away from any goal. My H is not someone who openly shares his feelings to begin with so now I fear that our situation has worsened i/o of getting any better. My session with the therapist last night really has me questioning things now...

If I did something consciously horrible to my H, I would think I deserve and/or should expect this kind of treatment. But I have always loved, respected and honored him and our marriage. Yes, I am completely at fault for not acknowledging issues in our relationship, not cleaning up after myself, allowing the passion in our sex life to fade, etc. But my point of view is that you wake up from the fog, realize these things are problems and you work on them because you have a commitment in marriage. The 1st instict should not be to runaway. If we were to try to work on these things together and either of us felt at that point that things were just not the way that we want them to be - then OK - I could understand that - we could both agree to walk away with our heads held high knowing that we gave it our full effort. But for him to sit there and say he doesn't think we can work on anything - I just don't get. I am having a really frustrating day!!

[whatsyourpoint]

If I did something consciously horrible to my H, I would think I deserve and/or should expect this kind of treatment. But I have always loved, respected and honored him and our marriage. Yes, I am completely at fault for not acknowledging issues in our relationship, not cleaning up after myself, allowing the passion in our sex life to fade, etc. But my point of view is that you wake up from the fog, realize these things are problems and you work on them because you have a commitment in marriage. The 1st instict should not be to runaway. If we were to try to work on these things together and either of us felt at that point that things were just not the way that we want them to be - then OK - I could understand that - we could both agree to walk away with our heads held high knowing that we gave it our full effort. But for him to sit there and say he doesn't think we can work on anything - I just don't get. I am having a really frustrating day!!

I can't tell you how many of these sort of thoughts occurred to me. My wife felt like she did for about three years (actually on a couple things for about eight) before I confronted her on what was happening or not happening in our R. That's an awfully long time to keep such secrets from the person it relates to most. And, when you, the LBS, finally wakes up, there arises such a sense of resentment - "Oh, NOW you want to do something about it?!!?" that they connect more with that long-standing pain than they do with us. Your H likely didn't wake up one morning thinking and feeling as he does, so you can't expect him to let go of that hurt so easily.

I can't tell you how heartbroken I was that my wife had withdrawn from me even after she identified herself as a WAS, read most of DR, and had a sense of the road we are on. But, I realized that she has to find the path herself, though I am certainly leaving out bread crumbs.

As hard as it seems to do, ignore his comments about being unable to work on anything. He could just as easily say something mildly positive tomorrow and present a bleaker picture the next day.

Keep your chin up!!!

[savingus77]

So I took a chance last night. I asked him what his plans were for the weekend and he said this&that but didn't seem to really have anything concrete. So I mustered up some courage and said, "Would you want to go out and do something on Sat. night?" His response = "I guess I wasn't thinking that". Me = "OK".

This has been 2months now and that was my first attempt at asking him out and I got shot down! Ouch! I feel like we are drifting further & further apart through this process and we are getting further away from any chance at saving our marriage...

[not an ex yet]

Did he say anything after that? That doesn't really sound like a flat out "no", maybe he will think about it and approach you. If not, try not to get discouraged...or at least try not to show him you are discouraged. Just let it slide and go do something with your friends or someone else. (I know, I should take my own advice!)
He sounds so much like my H I can't even believe it!
Has he gone back to see a C again? Has he mentioned it to you or asked how yours is going? My H absolutely refuses to go to MC, I got him to go one time before he moved and it didn't go so well, so you do have that on your side to be hopeful about. Do you know if he ever read that book you mentioned? Hang in there, things have to get better!

[Not Much Left]

S
I didnt hear NO either! Ouch is a good way to describe the feeling. I hear ya on the "I guess" comment. I get it all the time. Not completely sure it means no, I think what it means is, "I truly wasnt thinking about it so...you caught me offguard and I am the WAS so....well....I guess!"

Anyway, my interpretation having heard those same words.

No biggie, keep PMA. If you think about it, if you could have a PMA all the time, wouldnt that be an awesome way to live? Regardless of situations around you?

I strive for that now.

C

[savingus77]

I should have given a little more background about my H and his responses in general. He is the king of middle of the road & indecision. A favorite response of his that I & friends used to joke around with him about is if you ask him if he likes something, he would often respond "I don't not like it". So knowing what I know of him, his response was a "no" - just a indirect & disguised "no". While I take full responsibility for our communication breakdown - I also think this is a big part of it. I often feel like he doesn't/can't tell me his true feelings or opinions. And it is not just me, it is that way with our friends/family as well...

You guys are both right, that he could change his mind - but after what I have experienced so far I am definately not going to get my hopes up. Like I said, my hopes are diminishing day after day - which I guess is good in way b/c hopefully that means I am getting more OK & stronger each day?

He has not gone back to see the C again. It is just seperate IC that we are each doing (not MC). But he has told me that he has another appt. He didn't tell me when it is, but I saw a paper lying around with the 23rd written on it - so nothing is going to be happening quickly.
He has asked me about my sessions & I have talked openly with him about them. He said, I hope you are not just focusing on the R and dealing with "your" issues. While he is right, I intend to do both. Also the biggest "issue" I have now, is the R so it is kinda hard to avoid.

He did bring up the book 1-2 times so I believe that he did read it - but not sure if that helped at all.

I am going over a friends house and staying over tonight. She is having a "girls night" so it should be fun and hopefully keep my mind off things (although everyone in her family keeps trying to get me to see her brother - we used to date - but hopefully I will be successful at continuing to avoid that!)

PMA..PMA..PMA...PMA..PMA..PMA...PMA..PMA..PMA...PMA..PMA..PMA...