I Belong Over Here

[RedHeadWife]

I think. Short version of sitch, H dropped D bomb back in January. He never left the house except for one weekend and a few days another time. We knew he was getting deployed in May for a year and he wanted to stay in the house w/ the boys until he left. 3 boys, 7, 3 & 1. I'm 35 and H is 32.

I've been around the Board for awhile. Some in "Infidelity" and some over in "SSM."

H had 4 A's. 2 supposedly EA's while deployed when first son was 18 months, 1 one night stand while deployed at a later time and then another EA while the D sitch was going on and for some time prior to that I'm sure.

H told me he had gone to see a D lawyer, but then we found out we were pregnant w/ S #3 who is now 18 months.

I got the "I love you as a person and the mother of my children, but nothing else," etc. You have become an angry, bitter, tired person. (I now agree w/ that statement and have changed that.)

I stood by him the entire time. I changed a lot of things I realized needed to be changed and did it for me and for our M, and not just so he would stick around.

I finally asked him over the phone the other night what made him decide to stay and he said simply "Because I love you." He is finally realizing that everything was not all my fault the way he was protraying the sitch all along and that he could have done some things differently to make our M better as well. He told me the other night that he "needs" me.

I'm not worried about him cheating anymore. We both know that cannot happen again. I did finally ask if I needed to worry about OW when he gets back b/c we are staying here and she will also still be here and he kind of works w/ her. He said the only thing he is concerned about when he gets home is making us good & right again.

I guess I still lurk around here quite a bit b/c it still hurts and I told him that the other night. I don't think he realizes the extent of hurt he inflicted.

That's my story in a nutshell I suppose. I guess I'm starting this thread so I can continue to journal.

I talk to him every day and unfortunately still mostly feel like I'm doing all of the work, but I'm not allowing myself to be resentful of that. I guess I wish he would seem to want to talk to me and call me more often, but I know he is busy and I also wish he would take a bit more time to email me something w/ some substance but, again, I know he's busy so I'm keeping a close eye on my "expectations."

[RedHeadWife]

Well, I feel as if my emotions are constantly all over the place, which I guess is normal for my sitch. Not only am I still dealing w/ the aftermath of my D sitch, but now w/ H deployed, I feel as if I'm running a marathon, or actually more like a 50 yard dash, constantly w/ the 3 boys, work, etc.

H has come around more & more lately. Verbalizing more and making sure I know that he absolutely loves me and staying M is what he wants. I have slowly quit feeling as if I can't talk to him about anything R related or anything about the whole D sitch w/o making him change his mind about staying. I pretty much have been able to ask him or talk to him about anything, although I don't do that very much and pick and choose what I am going to say. I don't have any desire to rehash our sitch at any given time w/ him. I'm slowly getting responses/answers from him that I need about specifics and that's enough.

I'm very much looking forward to my trip over there to visit him. He left May 1, so it will be 4 months since I've seen him. I leave in 3 weeks. I know he is looking forward to it too. I hope it is just one huge honeymoon for us, as I'll only be there for a week, but then we just need to wait for December and he will be home for a month. Then he will go back, but be home for good in May.

Since we have been living here, I haven't really made any close friends that I do things w/ outside of work, etc. I usually just have focused on the family, etc. I'm now reaching out more which is kind of hard for me. I'm a very outgoing person, but also very private in a lot of ways and don't necessarily make "close" friends easily. I'm taking advantage of my parents living here to take care of the boys and doing more for me. I went out a few weekends ago, then had some friends over after my S3's bday party last weekend. A girl from work, who I would call a friend, and I are going to start taking belly dancing classes every Tuesday night. A band that I really like is coming to town and I'm going to go to that concert. Usually I wouldn't have gone, but I'm really trying to do things for me before I go absolutely crazy.

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, so I'm having a bad day today. For some reason starting thinking about OW. Brief history on her, she worked w/ H when he was here. He's now deployed. We will be staying here when he gets back and she will most likely still be here.

What he told me about the whole thing was that he had a "friend" that he talked to about our problems and that he "started liking her." He said they did not have sex and I believe that. I guess I just never took the time to think about what maybe they DID do though.

At one point during our D sitch, we were going back & forth, well H was going back & forth as to wanting to work things out and then he would let something small change his mind again, although I know it was a lot of inner turmoil too, as well as the EA. Anyway, one time when we were being intimate, he said something along the lines of "you don't have to stick your tongue down my throat." Ok, that embarrasses me to even say, but now I'm thinking maybe they were slightly messing around or why would he all of a sudden have something to compare my or our kisses to? KWIM?

Also one time he busted out w/ "so what do YOU like better, boxers or briefs." Obviously, had been talking to someone else about this.

Anyway, I'm just having a rough time. I don't want details. Some of my friends seem to think I need them to move forward, but I feel that if I know specifics then those things will make it harder for me. Those specifics would be running through my mind. I don't sit around trying to "figure out" what exactly happened.

Sometimes I just have days where everything comes rushing back and it still hurts so much. Then H is over there acting as if everything is so great & wonderful and he's so happy.

I have had a few conversations lately w/ him -- I finally asked him flat out if I needed to worry about OW when he got back and he said no. I also finally asked why he changed his mind and he said "I am so sorry" when I said it just hurts so much still sometimes.

I know I am getting what I want from him, but sometimes it just is still so hard. I know there was a lot of hurtful things that I was doing to get us to the D sitch in the first place, but I honestly never knew how very unhappy he was. When he was being so hateful during the D sitch, he knew exactly what he was saying & doing. He says that he didn't know how to deal w/ our issues so he "just got mad."

I guess the bottom line is that sometimes I don't feel like he's my husband anymore. The man I married and my husband would never have said & done the things he has done to me. Yes, I did some hurtful things, etc., but I never cheated on him. I never told him I didn't love him anymore.

I guess I'm just venting A LOT. My emotions are just all over the place at times.

[Sara]

Cadesmom,

It is typical for you to have these feelings when things are better. It's as if you were so focused on fixing your marriage that you couldn't think about OW then. But now that things are better, the haunting happens.

Saffie and I went through that and had some good conversations about that. You can search for Saffie's thread and I had one too on healing from infidelity. It is a process and it does take time. But it gets better. For me, it has finally gone away. But I was able to keep reassuring myself because my husband was around. You are alone, so it is harder.

[Sara]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1103146

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1110625

I don't know how to copy threads, so I hope this works. This is my thread from about a month ago, and Saffie's thread from the same time period.

[RedHeadWife]

I absolutely love Cat03 and she always makes me feel so much better She had responded on your thread and it all makes so much sense. Hopefully she'll stop by here.

I do need to just focus on the positives and one of these days I will be "through" -- I like the saying, 'the only way out is through.'

[Sara]

Yes. I felt that way about her response too. I don't see her posting often.

That is a good saying "the only way is through". In this case it's very true. Actually, I think the feeling dissipated pretty quickly. But it was so unpleasant at the time. Just a drag on my psyche. The conversations with Saffie really helped. I'll tell her to look at your thread.

[cat03]

I've actually been missed!!! you two are sweeties, you dont' knowhow that makes me feel, specially now, sitting here licking my wounds.

Cadesn, I had become a lurker after a while, and later (for the best, much later) I stopped coming here, when something said would trigger ow and A memories.
Anyways, it always sadden me to see you in Infidelity CM, I'm so glad you are back here, before I read the bottom of your thread I copy this bit of your post so I could respond:
===================================
I'm just having a rough time. I don't want details.
===================================
YES YES and yes. earlier this eve I broke into my H's email to see how far they'd been going on (I didn't trust him to tell me the truth, though he actually did) and found picts she's send in some dominatrix outfits, stuff they were planning to do, what they've done certain night. NO, you DON"T need to know, and now you know why.
When the ow is brought up, you remind your H of her and refresh her memory in him, don't do that, give her a slow death and ignore all things ow.

=================================================
Sometimes I just have days where everything comes rushing back and it still hurts so much. Then H is over there acting as if everything is so great & wonderful and he's so happy.
=================================================
Physically, womens brain retain more memories and men have the capacity to turn off and off hurtful sitches, we cling to details, they move on.
Yes hon, it will hurt, but I promise you, it will fade, if a memory comes by, rush it by an occupy yourself with something else, eventually your brain will do that automatically, will not linger as much because you've taught it to do so.

It can be done, it will be done, you and I will bury that hurt, again)))))))))))))))))))))

[saffie]

Cadesmom,

I understand exactly how you are feeling and the first thing I want to say is that it does get better.

When I first started posting I thought about OW ALL the time. (Even had a voodoo doll of her I stuck pins in when I felt bad!!!).Enough so that even tho' my H was working hard on our M I was beginning to think that actually I was maybe going to be the one to walk away. It all hurt so much that I was beginning to think that I could never trust him again and that I didn't want to live with the constant fear of the possibility that he could do it again.

I never spotted my H's A - he told me about it. I wanted to know all the details because that's the kind of person I am. Infact, that did help me to some extent because it became obvious to me that she had used him and was actually more infatuated by his salary than him. Also I learnt that the intimate side of their R had been pretty dire which was a comfort.

Even so, when I first started posting I wanted some sort of rvenge on OW, and she definately had a life/ place in our marriage still and it was destructive becuase I was letting it be.

AS time has gone on, that has lessened greatly, and altho' not gone completely it no longer has such a powerful part of my life.

My H has shown over and over again in so many ways that OW is non-existent for him now. He knows that I worry about how I would know if it were ever to start up again. If he were unhappy again how would I spot the signs early enough to stop him looking elsewhere for affection and an outlet and he tells me that he has learnt so much from what has happened that he wouldn't let the same situation occur. I am just going to have to trust him there.

I felt in my sitch the ' balance of power' changed a few times between us. I always thought things were pretty even until he had the A. Then I felt he was running the show and I had to 'jump' to his tune in order to hold on to him. Then things swung the other way when he had totally recommitted to me and I had time to sit back and thing my way through all that had happened. This was when I started fixating on OW and questioning if I had done the right thing to 'save' the marriage, (even tho deep down I knew the whole time that being together was what I wanted). I then just kept testing him to make sure he meant what he said about recommitting to us. Luckily however hard I pushed he just kept coming on back and now when I look back at my earlier postings I can see how far I have come and how much more relaxed I am about things. MY Pushing did show how desparately he wanted to still be with me and that he was totally recommitted.

The hurt has not gone and it would be wrong to go back to how things were before the A. If I did that I would have learnt nothing. I still grieve, and will for a long time for the M we had before all the hurting started. But I can see that what hasn't broken us has made us stronger. I also see that the OW, (who I will always dislike and hope bad things will happen to), has lost big time. She left her H and her children to try and steal another man. He rejected her ultimately. If I were her H and children then I would never trust her again as she did not go home because she chose them but because she had been discarded and her H and children are second best in her eyes. I am sure they will remember that and I am sure her H will be extracting his pound of flesh from her for what she did.

I guess the bottom line is that sometimes I don't feel like he's my husband anymore. The man I married and my husband would never have said & done the things he has done to me. Yes, I did some hurtful things, etc., but I never cheated on him. I never told him I didn't love him anymore.

I know how bad this hurts. You need time to grieve for what you had. But also you need to know that although he changed and did hurt you, now he is back and understands what he did. I am sure if he could take it all back he would; I know my H would.

One day, totally out of the blue, my H told me that he had never loved OW, (before he had maintained that he had loved her), and that he had realised that what he felt for me was just so much better and different from the infatuation he felt for OW. That helped me BIG time - esp as it was unexpected and not something had had said in response to a probe from me. It did make me a bit cross aswell if I am honest that he put us through something as bad as this for an 'infatuation', but that he had never LOVED her was far mor important to me.

Sometimes I just have days where everything comes rushing back and it still hurts so much. Then H is over there acting as if everything is so great & wonderful and he's so happy.

That still happens to me but it happens less and less as time goes on. Just be positive.

All that you are experiencing is normal. I think that the men move on in there heads once they have recommitted and forget so much of what happened - it's just their nature I guess. I try to visualise that my H was under some sort of 'spell' and I managed to break it and now it's my magic that is being woven around him.

I am try and do something practical to help myself feel that I am protecting myself against anything like this happeneing again I am currently doing cognitive behavioural therapy with a C. It makes me feel I am doing something positive about things and it is helping me put a more positive spin on things.

We are here for you to chat and vent to. Everything that you are feeling is valid and normal.

(((((((((Big Hugs)))))))))

Saffie

[RedHeadWife]

Thank you all so much. It's so nice to have people that actually REALLY understand what I'm feeling & going through. Like I said, my one good friend at work can only imagine and can only tell me what she "thinks" she would do in a sitch like mine. Well, I always said "you cheat, you're gone" and then when it actually happened, 4 times at that, you realize until something really happens to you, you have NO IDEA how you will truly react/act.

Sometimes I'm afraid that all the "work" I've done will be moot when he actually comes home and is here all the time. I wonder if I'll have to start all over again.

I'm so very hopeful that I will just continue to get stronger as the time goes by and that, by the time he does come back, and even by the time I go over there to visit in 3 weeks, that I've become so much stronger and more self confident that, like Saffie mentioned, the balance of power is different.

My friend actually said to me yesterday that I'm very insecure. Well, duh. Yeah, I always have been deep, deep down to a very large extent and the obviously this whole sitch has made it even worse. I'm hopeful that all the work I'm doing ON ME will change that. I've had periods in my life where I felt SO DAMN GOOD about myself, but it always seems when I get in a relationship, that goes away, like I end up feeling like I have to almost be someone else for them to love me.

I know that is completely not true b/c I see the REAL ME coming back out in a lot of ways and I like her a lot and I know that others do too. It's wierd though b/c it seems like I'm a completely different person say at work than I am at home. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to be the happy, wonderful, self confident ME all the time. I know H will see that. That Kelly is a much happier Kelly.

I know I still have a long way to go. I know a big part of it is that I am very hard on myself a lot of times about EVERYTHING and even in this sitch, I feel like "Kel, get over it," but it's not that easy and then sometimes everything just starts running through my head and I get down again. I know it's a growing, learning, grieving, etc., etc., process and it's not going to happen overnight. I also know I'm in a unique sitch w/ him now being gone, however, I know that even that is SO GOOD b/c it's given him a chance to "reflect" and also see what it is he was trying to throw away and what he would in the end have lost.

Again, thanks everybody for your input. It SO helps me!! Love you guys!