I resisted taking meds for a long time because I didn't want to be the sort of person that depends on them.
Just been thinking about this again and have another POV on the subject...
As I said, I stopped taking the ADs about 3 weeks ago. While I was taking them, I spent little time and effort thinking about my situation and what I was going to do about it. Looking back, it was almost like I was settling for what I had - and was content just to wait it out and see if things got better all by themselves.
In other words, I think I almost reached the point at where I couldn't care less. I still loved my wife as much as ever, and I probably could have existed for a long time without any real intimacy from her. I still wanted sex, but it just wasn't that much of a deal when she continued to push me away. I wasn't 'zoned out' or anything like that - I was fully lucid, just that my problem wasn't so much of a problem anymore. I was actually making it *easier* for her to reject me.
Not cool.
Because now that I'm not taking the ADs, I'm back to realising that there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. And I'm actually pleased that I'm back to realising that NOW, rather than in 10 or 20 years of coasting along blindly on ADs.
Because if I came off the ADs in 10 or 20 years and ONLY THEN began to realise the same thing, I imagine I'd be pretty pissed that I'd settled for something that didn't meet my needs for such a long, long time.
I guess that what I'm saying is that the ADs seemed to erase my desire to do something about my relatively piss poor situation. And that actually frightens me.
