How Can I Possibly Restore THIS?

[JustDucky]

Quite honestly, telling my story in this forum is scaring me, A LOT. However, the support that I see in the various threads that I have read is encouraging.

A little history... H and I married in 1998, after a very brief (four month) courtship. We had both been widowed and felt that we knew what we wanted from a relationship and we seemed so right for each other. Oh, and I should mention this.... when we met, there was a HUGE financial disparity between us. This didn't seem to bother H at all. As a matter of fact, he initiated the discussion of a pre-nup because he was NOT interested in my money. This disparity didn't bother me because I look at a person's character, not his (or her) checkbook. Our boys were almost out of the house- they had one year of high school left... and we thought we would have this wonderful marriage and grow old together.

And at first it was great, despite my having two major surgeries shortly after we married. Then, an insidious monster crawled into our lives, and changed everything. After about three years of marriage, my behavior began to change- very subtly- so subtly that even I did not recognize what was happening at first. Over time, it became outlandish. I was behaving very compulsively, engaging in behaviors that I had NEVER engaged in before, and I was perplexed. So was he. He told me to "just stop." I couldn't. The compulsions owned me with every fiber of my being. I went to counseling. We went to counseling. I went to "Anonymous" meetings. Nothing helped. I was out of control with some of my behaviors, and could not stop.

And while this behavior continued, I chewed up HUGE amounts of money. No longer was I debt free- we sold my debt free home and took out a mortgage on a smaller home. I had credit card bills stacking up. I had creditors calling. I lied to him to cover my behavior. Finally, in May 2005, he made me make a choice- him, or the behavior. I did not want to, but I had to choose the behavior, because I KNEW it owned me and to choose him would be a lie. I knew I would "backslide" again if I chose him. So, he moved out and filed for divorce. Even though he moved out, we still communicated by phone, and saw each other about once a week.

Two months later, by the grace of God, I found an article on the Internet that blew me away. My uncharacterisitc behavior had been triggered by a medication that I had been prescribed in early 2000. Once I stopped the medication, the horrible behaviors stopped. I thought I had my life back. But the damage done ... well, let's see. My marriage was on the rocks, my friends had given up on me (and to this day, they still want nothing to do with me), my assets were gone, my reputation was shot- I had nothing left, but me.

I moved in August 2005 into a wee little house, but it was closer to H, so it was okay. We reconciled, and he moved into this cottage with me. But, even though he said he forgave me- it wasn't ME who caused the problems, it was the medication- I just did not feel the same level of committment that he had before.

The sad truth is that this experience changed both of us. We are both war-torn, shell-shocked, hurting individuals, and since our reconcilation, we have not gotten along. We take our corners and we stay in them. We tried counseling, but I do not believe either of us gave 100% to it.

Finally, in May, I asked him to move out. I was too tired. Tired of the simmering anger, tired of feeling rejected, unappreciated and mistrusted. Tired of being blamed. Tired of never doing anything together. Tired of walking on eggshells.

Since he left, I have not seen him, nor have I spoken to him. The only communication has been via e-mail. I have not begged, I have not pleaded. I have apologized for not appreciating the fact that he put up with A LOT. His attitude is that he's out of the marriage for good, and it is ALL about money. I have told him (via e-mail) that I do not agree with his thoughts about our marriage, but that it is not my place to try and change his mind.

At first, he did not want to file for divorce because he wanted part of any (anticipated) settlement against the drug company. I told him his legal rights would not change if he filed- so he did. I was served divorce papers about 10 days ago.
Now my communication is very short and to the point. But during the past two months, I have gotten a job, started exercising, lost a bunch of weight (that's another thing the drug can do to a person... gain weight, and boy! I did!). I go to solution based couseling, and am looking at taking some classes this fall (a very scary idea, BTW).

But how, when the only way of communicating is via e-mail....how does one even have a chance at reviving/restoring a marriage????

[*KS*Chick*]

it can happen. Baby steps. Have you tried calling him?

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

It sounds like he's not really too keen on the idea of splitting up himself. After all, you asked him to move out. I can understand why under the circumstances though. You say his attitude is that he is out of the marriage for good, are you absolutely sure? Or, is this just a guess at what's going through his head?

Perhaps something like Retrouvaille would help you two.

On another note, I find it interesting that you posted your situation here at this time. I've seen a commercial playing on TV for a drug and it's the first time I've ever seen a commercial for a drug list behavioral changes as a possible side effect. I can't remember all of the side effects they listed, but I know compulsive gambling was one of them. I'm very leery of any drug that's been around for less than 10 years myself.

[JustDucky]

Thanks for your responses... I was a little worried that folks might think this story was too crazy to respond to! (Let me tell you though, it was even crazier living this nightmare.)

H told me through an e-mail that he was through. I believe his words were something to the effect "Three strikes (separations) and I'm out for good, this marriage is over. I'm too old and too broke to be a ping pong ball. We don't get along and it's time to move on." But you are right- he probably wasn't (and maybe isn't) too keen on the idea of D. But I also believe that he doesn't know what else to do. I KNOW that he does not want to go through any more pain from this experience. But a D will not erase that pain. Only if one or both of us is willing to make drastic changes will anything positive happen.

And so I work on myself. Currently, I am working on my communication skills with my counselor- my communication with H was NOT good. Is very hard, painful work to break old patterns, but I am willing to do it. For ME. AND him. I mentioned some other things I am doing for myself earlier.

As far as my timing is concerned- I have been VERY active in trying to get the word out about this drug for a well over a year. I talk to people all over the country who have been affected by this drug. The ad campaign, which began after they received FDA approval to market the drug for Restless Leg Syndrome, began just a few weeks ago. I am not a TV watcher, so I have not seen the ad, but when it first aired, I was getting calls from all over the US about it!

I (We) filed suit against the company over a year ago and have a trial date for sometime next year. But I happened to find a reference to this site a few weeks ago, and read posts for awhile before writing my own story. There really was no conscious decision as to my posting and the ads. And before I get down from my soapbox, let me tell you.... when they say "compulsive".... well, I never quite understood the gravity of what "compulsive" meant until this happened to me. And yes, gambling is the big one. The others are equally devastating, though- just harder to quantify. And even though my story is not good, there are others that I know who had it worse (maybe not monetarily) than me. They lost everything, including their life.

One thing that is clear to me is that I need to give him space and time to heal. We both experienced this differently; and neither of us can truly feel what the other went through. We may just have to heal by ourselves, and not continue with the "But this is why I hurt. Can't you just understand that?" And all the "tit for tat" garbage that went on.

But that doesn't stop me from being scared that I will never hear from him again, once the D is final. Gotta trust the Lord on that one. But being human, sometimes that's tough. I let me get in the way.

BTW- No, I have not called him. I have let him initiate the e-mail contact, except for a couple of questions about the house. I have been very clear,and kind, in telling him how I feel about this, and that the door to further communication is open.

Any other suggestions?

[mkultra]

I think sometimes people go to separation because they feel tired as you said. Then they realize that separation does not really solve any of the past problems. We have a lot in common. I can see these patterns in both of our relationships. Try to stay focused and positive. Avoid any battles and validate his feelings.

It is so hard to know what path to take. Communication is key, but both of you may have different truths.

It is important to have faith but you need to work hard too!

I thought a separation would be a temporary solution also. I wanted my angry, depressed H to move out before things got any worse. Guess what? Many things got worse and we are not working together but against each other.

Married folks need to be on the same team so be as supportive as possible. He may have trust issues.

[Kim07]

JustDucky,,,

Sorry you find yourself here! You will find a lot of acceptance and comfort here from the seasoned posters,,its' been a lifesaver for me!

I'm so glad I stumbled upon your post,,just yesterday I saw an ad on TV for this new Rx your talking of and was thinking that I should ask my Dr. next week if I could try it as I suffer from RLS also! It sucks,,no one can describe the sensations unless they have had it before!

My RLS is actually caused by another rx(of couse a rx I must have) that I take and the one I use to correct the RLS, effects are starting to wear off. Bummer,,I hope you find relief soon!

Kim

[JustDucky]

Geez... tonight has been a night of waffling back and forth. There is part of me that is truly beginning to understand why H feels that he is done. And part that wonders if the vows we took meant anything to him. And I guess what really is bothering me is that the worst is over, but he's not interested in seeing things get better. "Just move on" seems like the course of least resistance.

I know... I know... I WAS the one who asked him to move out because I was so tired of the negativity. But I've gotta say, it really bothers me that he was out the door so fast! I mean, he could have stood up and said "No. You're just having one of your hissy fits and we'll get over this", instead of packing up and moving out the next day.

I am fairly certain that the reason for the silence, except by terse e-mail is that it is easier. No emotion involved. Just nimble fingers.

And here is what is really bothering me. There have been several instances H's past where someone (brother, son, co-worker, etc) have hurt his feelings. His way of handling it was to close his heart, and shut off all communication. Period. End of subject. I feel like his latest victim. And if that is the case, then my recourse seems extremely limited. It seems like that is the part I have to leave up to God.

[mkultra]

My elder neighbour also noticed this about my separation. She mentioned that my H probably planned for me to kick him out. Sounds funny, I know. He used to say he would never leave the kids, get a divorce, or break up a marriage. he would challenge me to leave or file. He just got more and more negative until I had little choice but to ask him to leave. Now he can say that I kicked him out and he met someone and started dating like a single man. Hold on now.... Someone has been bamboozled here!

[JustDucky]

Boy, can I relate to your comment. Several friends have said that they felt "he checked out" a long time ago. But....you're right! Now HE is the victim, because I asked him to leave!

[mkultra]

We need to reclaim some of that power and control. We need to remain calm, detach, and stop being victims and martyrs. I think the next book I read will be on surviving the MLC and avoiding being in one myself!