Yeah man, you have got to let her take some of that on herself. Let her be alone. I don't know if my W has missed me, but I have given her the chance (somewhat) despite how wrong it feels. Is she going to/willing to change that crazy stuff? It's a two way street, you got here b/c of both of you, not just YOU. I don't have a good answer on how to determine thsi or talk to her about it. Explore your feelings, that's the best I got today
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
I can not figure out how she is feeling or thinks at all anymore. We go through this pattern were things are alright, we are talking, no real R talk, then bam, she calls and is totally distraught and wants to come back. By the time she comes by to talk about it, she is is a screw you attitude and I just take another hit to the gut. It also appears these highs and lows of hers are happening closer together and with greater emotional intensity. Her break downs are major sobing sessions, and her screw you attitude is very cold.
It all seems to be from guilt and lonliness. No one is with her anymore, everyone surrounding her is new and the few old friends and family that were around her are now avoiding her.
I feel bad for her, but I'm really getting detached and starting to think I could do so much better. What really made me mad last night was we talked about S, and she asked why I hadn't brought it up before. I told her that when I did she claimed manipulation on my part. Then she asked about his behavior and I told her about the claming up and such. She had the nerve to say, well he doesn't do it with me, so that is your problem. Oh I see, our S's problems are going to be the responsibility of the parent that is with him. Why this total lack of care for him, all I can think is she thinks I'm lying about it. If she doesn't think I am lying then she is a very cold and horrible person who doesn't care about her S.
Just sucks to be going through this. No matter what though, this is still her D and she has to deal with it. I'm going to pull back and let her drive, leave her be and let it run its course.
Atlas, I know those attitudes that our spouses show towards the kids can really make you scratch your head and feel like they really don't care for them.
I know my H loves his kids but he doesn't show it to them at all. During our whole S so far, he only sees them when I go out or when he comes to fix the house. Never I want to do something with them but yet that is his attitude towards me too which led me to shutting down to him. Sometimes I think that I would be better off to wait for a man that isn't afraid to show his affection and love all the time. I would be happier in the R and my kids won't grow up to hide their true feelings and be distant to their spouses in the future.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
I can't seem to give your sitch the attention it deserves, as I'm really struggling right now with my own mess. I am glad you are hanging in there for yourself and your S. If it works out for W's benefit too, so much the better.
On your weight issue: Quit smoking. That, or pick up a tub of weight gainer at GNC. Either way, take care of yourself, man.
i can barely keep up with my own sitch, so i hear that.
i went the c tonight, and he had some interesting things to say. says i'm making myself to available, and need to detach. doesn't agree with d, but says she setting up the sitch for me to push back to much.
he suggested that i set some boundaries on her coming over, just don't let her stop by, tell her that i'm busy and if she would lik some of my time she can call and set up a time.
told him about the swings and he said to stop answering the phone, he thinks she is being manic and if i respond right away i'm enabling the behavior and have to let her find her real feelings. he thinks she does miss me or she wouldn't be around all the time, but i have to let her taste a little of the single mother life.
either way, i really can't take much time with her right now. feel like she is mean and cold and then as soon as she needs money and support i'm there. i can't take much of it anymore, and have to just keep myself from filing at this point.
well the job prospect called tonight and wants me to come by his office a 5 tomorrow. i'm sure were going to hash out the details or he wouldn't be asking to come by. so tomorrow is my free night and i'm sure me and the friend will be celebrating our new deal.
just trying to keep my head on straight and try and think clearly. not doing so hot and just feel down most of the time. had a family event tonight and i have say it is a lot diffrent without the w there to help support and be there. well there isn't a soul left that doesn't know. felt pretty dumb in front of everyone, but a lot of support and way too many questions.
Only really have one thing to say, dont feel dumb or embarrassed by your sitch. You should be the one who feels proud of what you are trying to do. Strength in the face of adversity. I know they dont know all the details and what that means you have been going through, but you do, so feel good about that.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Only really have one thing to say, dont feel dumb or embarrassed by your sitch. You should be the one who feels proud of what you are trying to do. Strength in the face of adversity. I know they dont know all the details and what that means you have been going through, but you do, so feel good about that.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Can't think of anything helpful to say at the moment other than that you're stronger than you're feeling at the moment and that there is a lot of hope for you.
Hang in there.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
alright maybe my pma is on its way back up. nothing with the w of course. i got the job and it is great, a little pay cut the first year but an option to buy him out in 5. got a look at the books and i like what i see. so stoked.
i'm riding cloud 9 right now. only thing that sucks is i don't have the w to call and say put on the cute little black cocktail dress we are going to the best place in town. oh shucks, i guess it goes that way. haha.
well no contact yesterday or today after the big talk that went horrible on wed. at this point i really don't care and i'm starting to think i'd be better off. i know better then to say those things, but for the first time i feel like i'm going to be ok.
ic session had some good points and they sort of follow the db'ing efforts, but i need to back off big time, i'm just pushing her out the door. i also need to decide what i want. ch. 1 i guess again. i'm not sure i want to deal with it anymore.
funny thing is, i stayed home from work today, just didn't feel so hot this morning. not the typical call in sick person and i could have made it through it but with everything else i just gave in. so i'm sitting there watching the tv, and guess who drives buy. i couldn't believe it, what is she doing. didn't stop, no way she could tell i was home the car was in the garage. all i can figure is her guilt, sentiment, whatever is killing her and she is driving by seeing if she can even look at the house to make it work. any thoughts???
Thanks nomo, i had to post this! good goals and plans.
Relationship Goals Long-term 1. We stay married. 2. We work together to build the relationship/marriage that we both want and deserve. 3. My wife acknowledges that her emotional affair was wrong and that it hurt me. 4. My wife takes steps to regain my trust and to remove OM from our lives. 5. We discuss our relationship in a healthy way.
Mid-Term (by January 2008?) 1. Our separation ends. 2. We will do something (dinner, movie, whatever) without the kids. 3. My wife decides to work on our marriage. 4. My wife shows me some physical affection (e.g., hold hands, hug, kiss, arm around me). (This has happened a little - hugs, touch.) 5. We make future plans together (e.g., a family or couples trip). 6. My wife confides in me about something important to her (e.g., work or family issue). (This has happened at least twice.)
Short-Term (One to Two Weeks) 1. My wife checks in with me to see how I am doing. (Happened once.) 2. My wife acknowledges there were some positives between us. (Happened in C once.) 3. My wife goes to dinner or does something with me and the kids. (Has happened several times.) 4. My wife invites me to do things with her and the kids (e.g., dinner or play time). (Has happened.) 5. I reduce to the requisite minimum emails/calls to my wife (saving issues for a good time). (Has happened.) 6. My wife initiates conversations with me. (Has happened.) 7. My wife says something positive to me. (Has happened.) 8. We discuss differences/problems/issues in a healthy way.
Personal Goals Long-Term 1. I detach emotionally from my wife and my marriage (meaning I take responsibility for, and accept that I alone am responsible for, my happiness and life). (Complete.) 2. I focus on me and my behavior/choices/actions (meaning I accept that I am not my responsible for improving someone else's behavior). (Substantial progress.) 3. I seize this opportunity to make my life into the life I want. (In progress.) 4. Given that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, I focus on the good in, and the strengths of, the people in my life. (Substantial progress.) 5. I recognize and accept that different does not equal wrong. (Complete.) Short-Term 1. I continue to exercise and eat right. (In progress.) 2. I lose 20 more lbs and further define my ripped six pack . (In progress.) 3. I become more productive at work, billing at least 175 hours/month. (Needs work.) 4. I re-connect with clients by taking at least two to an activity (lunch?) a month. (Ongoing.) 5. I develop new clients by inviting at least two prospects to an activity a month. (Not met.) 6. I Get a Life by accepting invitations to socialize, planning weekend trips, and attending concerts, shows and movies. (Substantial progress.) 7. I re-connect with old friends, by touching base with at least one old friend a week. 8. I (re-)read Steps 6 and 7 and Part III of Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. (Complete.) 9. I finish reading the Five Love Languages and identify mine, my wife's and my kids' primary love languages; I brainstorm ideas on how to fill up love cups. (Complete.)
