LIFE CAN HAPPEN AGAIN

[heartbreak2]

Great question Mopsey!

Brue how did he do it?? Was there anything you did that helped him here?
hb2

[brueniap]

Heartbreak and Mopsey!

wow......interesting stuff you pulled out of my very own thread spoken by my very own mouth!

I had read the beginning of it earlier today when Liss pulled it out of the archives. Talk about a floodgate of memories.

I did see that you quoted me on one thing that I believe was the answer. I said that only God could intervene and guide him home as I would have nothing to do with it.

I stand by that wholeheartedly. DBing was natural for me. I realized after trying to talk him out of it for a couple of weeks that he wasn't even listening to me. I figured out to just leave him alone and learn to accept the fact that he was gone.

I had to learn how to be by myself. I also had his son tell him not to be coming here anymore as he pleased because it hurt too much. This was not a game. You don't walk out on your wife and come and go all happy and whistling like a school boy and expect me to jump for joy over your new life. He was told to not be here and get stuff when I was here because he was bopping in on a daily basis - yet not speaking a word to me as if I never existed.

I gave my life over to the One who I knew would guide me thru. Totally........I've had my life in the Lord's hands for over 30 years......but the faith to carry on now had to go much further than ever. I was 53 at the time......money pretty much gone....and starting over......kids gone.....and not knowing what to do. Resting on waiting for H to come home was not an option. Time to grow up I told myself. Time to believe in my Lord that He is who He says He is.

I've never regretted it. It has been a journey beyond all journies - a growth beyond all growths. A Challenge, a new me. I've got a ways to go but I am not going to go backwards. H never came groveling home. I don't believe he ever will grovel. For that matter......I really don't want him too. We both needed to grow up. I have said for a long time that this was the best thing that happened to me for I needed the growth and I needed to find out just what I was made of.

I'll not hold his mlc against him. He's not done yet......but on the other hand.......he also had some valid points about stuff about me. mlc or not......it still takes 2.

I still leave him in God's hands. When I take it back I get upset about stuff. When I let it go I can see the changes in him that are coming in baby steps. We all need to travel our own roads to growing up - some take to mlc extreme. The nasty ones I do not agree with - nor do I think that games should be played with them.

Let me tell you - it is not that easy having an H come back. It is work - especially when 2 people are on their guard and are not sure how to act. I lost it the first month. The confidence I had built up.

But I took a break and spent time with someone special (H's sister) and she helped me regroup and I've been pretty darn good since then. I have moments but I let them take a day or 2 and then I'm good to go again.

I do believe that if you are a true DBer people sit up and take notice - including a walk away spouse. True DBing is different from pretend DBing. DBing "with a catch" doesn't work because you are the one who gets hurt. If you DB with the intention of getting a spouse to take notice your head will not be in the right place and you only hurt yourself because you stay wrapped up in the situation too much.

I see it happen here all the time and I want to cry out but I know no one will listen to me so I don't bother.

When it was time to start letting H back in my life - I did it by prayer and baby steps. I always seemed to sense what I could and could not say. What I could ask, how I could be. I kept my mouth shut a lot. I still do......but not as much. As he feels more comfortable with me.......he opens up more about "stuff".

He's got stuff......his whole family does. It is his problem to work out. There is nothing I can do.

I always found out later by things he told me that God was watching over the situation the whole time - keeping things under control while I went on with my life.

You have to take your own life seriously. It's all you've got. You don't know if your spouse will ever be back or not so you have to learn to live without them. I will venture to say that the longer you take in doing this - the longer it will be before you feel healthy and whole again.

We would all love big sloppy apologies - but mostly it is not going to happen - and if it does.......wow.......than be thrilled that you are one of the lucky few. That's not what life is all about tho.

If you have children......they need you and your strength to carry thru. If your children are grown and gone - then you need to learn how to be strong on your own. In the same way that your spouse has to learn that only they can make themselves have joy.........well.......we LBS's have to learn the same exact thing. We are not exempt from the very things we are wishing they would learn. I think it's interesting tho - how we always worry about what "they" are learning and how "they" are acting - but so many times we refuse to move on and we blame them for what we are becoming thru all this.

no no no........we too must grow and learn from this as well or there is no chance for the 2 to come back together.

Move on........allow your life to be a gift. Grow. God will guide you. You will be amazed at the miracles in store for your life. You are only holding yourselves back when you stay in the rut you build for yourselves.

in love I say these things

brue

[inmyplace]

Hi brue,

Just looked at your website. I am chuckling a little bit...in a good way. I like your confidence. Very nice.

And if I am correct, you are not far from my brother. He is in Beaver Falls.

IMP

[brueniap]

Hey Imp -
Beaver Falls is just a stones throw away! Well - a bit more - but not much - 35 - 40minutes. Does this mean I mite have the opportunity to actually meet the famous IMP one day?

I would love that!!!

thanks for looking at the site. I look for it to continue to grow just like I have over the years. 18 years in this dried flower biz - 'bout time I got a website.

hope you are well

brue

[inmyplace]

Brue,

I am not sure when I will get out there, but one of these days, it will happen. And I will definitely stop and see you. We used to get together in NJ when my father was still around, but he died last year.

And all is well my way.

IMP

[Lissie]

I do believe that if you are a true DBer people sit up and take notice - including a walk away spouse. True DBing is different from pretend DBing. DBing "with a catch" doesn't work because you are the one who gets hurt. If you DB with the intention of getting a spouse to take notice your head will not be in the right place and you only hurt yourself because you stay wrapped up in the situation too much.

I see it happen here all the time and I want to cry out but I know no one will listen to me so I don't bother.

They will listen.

I love this.

[brueniap]

thanks liss - but i'm not convinced.

but i tried.

i've done not much since we chatted this morning.......was not even gonna mess with the computer today.........because of you i spent way more time on here than i planned. ahhhhhh....look at me blaming my friend because i stayed on the computer most of the day.

the usual mlc crap....right here........you see......it isn't always them......it's us quite a bit of the time.

brue

[heartbreak2]

Thanks Brue

[BaseballAnnie]

You, Sweet Mama, will never know how much your words were needed by me on this very day...

And I credit my Sweet Liss for looking out for me, and posting in a way that pulled you out and got you to say such beautiful things.

You two are like angels watching over me,

I love you,
BA

[I_Still_Love_Him]

I do believe that if you are a true DBer people sit up and take notice - including a walk away spouse. True DBing is different from pretend DBing. DBing "with a catch" doesn't work because you are the one who gets hurt. If you DB with the intention of getting a spouse to take notice your head will not be in the right place and you only hurt yourself because you stay wrapped up in the situation too much.

I see it happen here all the time and I want to cry out but I know no one will listen to me so I don't bother.

I'm not sure that people don't listen but rather that letting go is so hard especially if they don't believe. The first thing people have to do is find their way back to God and know that only He knows what is right and when.

You have to take your own life seriously. It's all you've got. You don't know if your spouse will ever be back or not so you have to learn to live without them. I will venture to say that the longer you take in doing this - the longer it will be before you feel healthy and whole again.

I spent the first year of our separation dwelling on H and forgot all about myself. Then I had an awakening. Aren't I worth more than H? Why don't I start putting all the energy on me since there is nothing I can do for him. That is when I started living for ME.

If we can't do this for us, then how can we be a better person for anyone else.

Move on........allow your life to be a gift. Grow. God will guide you. You will be amazed at the miracles in store for your life. You are only holding yourselves back when you stay in the rut you build for yourselves.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are so on the mark and I certainly hope that others don't spend one extra day thinking about their WAS and how to win them back. We shouldn't have to win them back. They are not the prize; we are.

Hugs,
ISLH