Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[Nomopo]

Hi bb and K. Thanks for popping in and for the encouragement

Well, W and I had a JC session this morning after missing two weeks primarily due to W's work schedule. Here are my notes and thoughts on it (I feel like I have a lot in my head so I hope I can get it out coherently and not forget anything of substance):

Journaling:

Wednesday August 8th (post-lunch):

No contact with W at all during the day after seeing her and OM at lunch today (and shaking OM's hand!). I called the kids around 6 pm to talk, but they were in the middle of some sort of video bingo game so neither of them wanted to talk for very long. I then joined SuperDad and his family/friends (some of which are prospective clients, right SD? ) for a Bday celebration from 6 pm until about 1:30 am!!! Lots of fun, but I did have a slight hangover this morning, and I am working on two nights of serious sleep deprivation now. W called me about an hour after I arrived at SD's party and I greeted her with a very enthusiastic and upbeat hello, and said I was doing great. She could also likely hear the sounds of the bar in the background. W said that tomorrow night she wants to go to a recruiting event with her Firm and wanted to know if I wanted to watch the kids and perhaps have a sleepover at my parents' house or if she should get MIL to help out. I said I would love to have the kids and that a sleepover would be great. I haven't seen the kids since Monday (just phone calls) and I leave Friday afternoon for Orlando for the weekend.

Thursday August 9th (JC Session):

W and I pass each other at the bathrooms outside of C's office (in the hall), and we exchange smiles and hellos. As I come in to take my seat W asks me if I had ever asked C about talking to our kids about the 4-year old drowning at the day camp pool. We discuss that topic for a bit. Nothing noteworthy. Then C says to W, "Well, its been a few weeks since I have seen you, though Nomo and I have met a few times in those weeks, and she asks W how she is doing. W says fine, but work was tough for a stretch, and had worn W down a bit (along with MIL). C says that she usually likes to start by checking in to see if anyone has any thoughts about the last session. (Recall that our last session was where we used the IMAGO dialogue technique to explore W's R with her mother. Powerful stuff.) W says that the main thing she took away from it was the "piece of glass in your foot" analogy, and how that has helped her understand why MIL is the way she is. (The analogy was an attempt to describe that sometimes people very wounded as children (as we all suspect MIL was) turn inward to an extreme degree and just can't really help or focus on other people, sort of like a child with a piece of glass in his foot would be so focused on that as to be almost totally oblivious to everything else.) I think this has helped W know that MIL's inability to meet W's needs may not be about MIL's feelings towards W, but just MIL's issues. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Anyway, W went on to say that she knew about everything else, meaning she was very conscious of how MIL had "wounded" her and how she had reacted by putting up walls, detaching emotionally, turning elsewhere for validation/affirmation, etc.

C then pointed out or reminded W of the parallels in her R with MIL and our R/M, and W said, "oh yeah (remembering), that was new for me too." C then went on to say that C and I had discovered another interesting parallel in our IC sessions - that really W and I were "wounded" in similar ways (W felt abandoned by MIL in her cheerleading and other activities), and how I probably felt, growing up, a bit alone in some ways too because in my family we had so much independence and did so many things on our own and apart from the family (tennis activities to a large extent for me, spending summers at the tennis courts, and other things), but that W and I handled the wounding in very different ways (W by being hurt and feeling unloved, and thus withdrawing, putting up walls, detaching emotionally and seeking validation/affirmation from other parents and her teachers; and me by denying that I was hurt or that that I had needs that weren't being met, and by thinking that I was just very independent and that that was a great thing). C then went on to say that our subconscious is actually attracted to someone who has been "wounded" like us, because the idea is a spouse with similar wounding can relate better to us and can help us heal. W seemed to follow all of that, but she wasn't very expressive. Just listening, some slight nodding I think.

C then seemed to deliberately and expressly, but smoothly, turn the session to talking about our R ("working on the M"???). C made a simple, soft comment like "Well, let's explore a little bit what this means for this relationship" or something like that ("what this means for you two" maybe?). As C was saying this, she got up to look for her glasses. I was watching W, and she seemed to furrow her brow a bit. Not sure why, but I wondered if it was because she was concerned the convo was turning towards "working on the M." I asked W a little later, as C returned to her chair with her glasses, "are you ok?" W said or nodded yes. So, off we went.

C asked if we could see how these things/dynamics/forces had played out. I paused for a bit to see if W would start talking, but she didn't. C asked, "Anyone?" so I stepped up. I said it seems pretty clear, probably to all of us, that over a period of years (not sure how long but more than two and maybe as many as six years ago), W was upset and was feeling abandoned by me in the R, and so she slowly, gradually, over time began to withdraw, and to put up walls, and to detach emotionally and distance herself from me. We stopped connecting in ways we had connected before. We stopped doing as many things together as we had done (lunches together, trips, outings) and we became less intimate. In short, we spent less time together (aside: I should have known this was a sign of serious trouble to come ). (This is probably a good time to plug Michele's article on Time Together.) And, then, when W started to do all of these things (pulling away), I started to feel abandoned by W, on a subconscious level mostly, if not entirely (I didn't realize it until some time in the last few weeks/months and somewhat today), because my reaction to abandonment is to become more independent, to say this is not a problem and to deny that I have needs that are not being met. I act as if I don't need intimacy, affection, affirmation, or to hear "I love you" every day. And then it became a vicious cycle with W being hurt even more by my move to independence, and taking that as further evidence that I do not care for her, while at the same time I am just engaging in what seems to me as a self-preservation technique, a defense, and it just got worse and worse. I can actually remember saying to myself quite a long time ago, as our sex life was becoming more and more infrequent, that I am ok, I am not like most guys, I don't need to have sex that often. And I can remember saying as recently as a week ago, that I don't need to hear "I love you" every day like W does (W and I are just different, I said) and I am a low sex drive guy. Well we are different in some ways, and W is much more needy than me (and, BTW, she admitted that she is very needy today), but the truth is I have not been honest with myself for a long time about what I really need. Period. So the awakening continues. This is VERY good.

C then asked if we see this happening still. W and I both said not really because we have so much less contact now, but then I did say that in a way I could still see it happening now because W is still detaching every day, keeping up her walls, looking for validation elsewhere, and I am definitely focusing on me, saying that I can be strong and independent and survive this, denying maybe to some extent my needs (as I said, I can remember saying as recently as a week ago that I don't need to hear I love you everyday). So, all in all pretty interesting stuff, and I seem to understand it even deeper than I did when C and I discussed it on our own. And I am glad W is hearing it, and I think she is absorbing it at some level.

C then steered the session towards how we are doing day-to-day, how the separation is going, and how we interact every day in the present. We talked again about how the contact is pretty minimal. At some point W reiterated a comment she has made in the past about not feeling safe talking to me outside the sessions, because she is not sure how it will go. I think the way she stated it was she prefers to have our talks in the sessions. [Aside, I feel like we have had a number of talks outside C go well in the last six months (including the three she initiated leading up to the S), but she either is forgetting those or this is just going to take longer than I want. I'd like to try to find opportunities to try to talk outside JC sessions some, but that probably needs to be later too.] W said at one point that she is not quite sure who she is going to get when she talks to me. Sometimes she says that I sound really good (for example, she said, I sounded great on the phone call last night from SD's party - really happy, and like I am doing well), but other times I seem short/cold or sad. This surprised me and I didn't really understand it because I felt like I have been pretty positive (maybe neutral at times), but sad/cold just doesn't make sense to me. I do know that I can look at me and try to change me, so what I can take from this comment is that that I am not doing as well on my PMA, happy/upbeat/positive attitude (fake it until you make it) as I thought I was (at least from W's perspective). So, I will re-double my efforts. I suspect though that W might be looking at some of my neutral or even negative interactions (like the Bday party funk) and focusing on those disproportionately, even though I think they are truly the exception. Also, I think there are times I am stressed at work or distracted, and she reads that as being about us, even though there are times when she is clearly affected in her mood by work or MIL. W is skilled at attributing emotions to me, but cannot do it with regards to herself. Hence C's earlier comment that W is very un-self aware.

C then asked W if she was feeling some guilt (perhaps because W was worried she was hurting her family), and W seemed a little defensive but admitted that yes, she did feel some guilt and was worried about hurting me and others, and she worries about how I am doing. W said she does still care about me and doesn't want to hurt me. I thanked her for her concern, and I think this is the point where I told W that she didn't need to worry about me, that I had come a long way and learned a lot about myself, and that I knew I would be ok, better than ok in fact, and that W would too no matter what happens. (Uh, can anyone say "there goes Independent Nomo denying that he really needs someone to be concerned for him - although I would like to think what I meant was it doesn't have to be W.) W said good, I am glad to hear that. I also said W could just ask me if she was worried about me, because I thought at times she might be reading too much into my mood on the phone and stuff, that it was sometimes just the stress of life, work. I noted there were times when W was stressed too, but I assumed it was work. She said, "Well you knew I was struggling at work, but ok," and C agreed we are probably both doing to much reading into things.

The session then turned to W's trip out of town this weekend. W explained to C that W was feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and just had to get away. W indicated that she did not want any help, but rather wanted to be independent and wanted to do it herself. W mentioned that she doesn't have her own credit card, and it was frustrating to her that she would have to go through me to use some of our frequent flyer vouchers. (She does have her own cc, but it is a joint account and I am the primary holder (though she now has my social security number and password).) W then very sincerely thanked me for how I handled her trip, by giving her space and not questioning her about it (recall I was dying to and tempted to), and W said my email was perfect on Sunday morning in response to her email about going out of town. W also said she didn't want to respond further to my email because she was afraid I would ruin it by pushing for more details. She said she just needed to get away to let emotions come down so she could deal with things. At some point later in the session, the word "grilling" came up, which is the same word W had used when I had the phone call on the morning of S7's Bday party and I questioned her about going to the recruiting event and not telling me about it. The critical point for me is that it is essential that I back off and let her be, and give her privacy and freedom and independence. (Note to WAW1978 - what we touched on today on CVA's thread).

This talk of independence that W needs led to talk of finances. When C heard she doesn't have her own account, W and C got on a roll (with C strongly encouraging her to get her own cc and also expressing incredulity at some of the things W told her - like we have a joint checking account). She and I explained the history of it (I really don't have any of my own accounts either), but I just handle all the bills, checkbook, etc. W had mentioned that building credit was her issue, but it is clear now that the issue is independence.

I was frightened by this (tough to admit) because to me this move towards independence was about her leaving me behind. I explained that I knew she needed her own cc and checks and if she wanted a checking account, etc., and that I wanted her to have that, but I wanted her to understand why it scared me. W said it's not that I don't trust you, and I think you do great with it and I know you wouldn't try to screw me. I said it didn't frighten me because I didn't think W trusted me, or because I felt attacked for the job I had done handling financial matters, but that again the move for independence made me feel like W was moving toward and had decided on a divorce. W referred to feeling trapped, and explained, in an effort to calm my fears I'm sure, that the finance issues (and the need for independence) was completely separate from what happens in our R. I asked her if it is really about control/freedom, or is more about privacy, and she said both really. I reiterated that we should take steps to separate the finances and I was ready to do it quickly. I think W said let's just start with a separate cc.

On this issue, C explained that this was a big issues for women. (Note - I think a lot of us men need to learn this point. On the other hand, a lot of women can understand why this might be scary to their spouse - not that we want our wives to be controlled or dependent, but that we think it means they are leaving us.) Anyway, C said that in so many Ms there is a struggle, especially for women, to get to a point where you're not too dependent. C said they have to do this for the M to survive. If it doesn't happen, then the M most likely can't survive, or at least can't be healthy. I recall W saying, as she described her perceived dependence, I cannot believe I let this happen. I've told other women (and would tell our D) not to let this happen, yet I put myself in this position. (Maybe we could work together to find a SOLUTION for this. Regular sit downs so she knows what is happening with finances? Maybe W handles our finances? Ok by me.)

C asked W if she felt like she was trying to grow up. C said she knew it was an odd question, but almost like W had to grow up prematurely when her father died, and now it was like W needed to do it again, the right way. W said yes, she could see/feel that. Before, it was premature, and borne out of necessity.

At this point I said that I wanted W to know that what she saw happening this weekend around her trip, and me being supportive but giving her independence and not pushing for details, was in my mind a microcosm for how I had tried to approach our R since April/May, and thereafter our S. I said I had not been perfect by any stretch, that there were times when my emotions flared up and I had to battle those, and there were some slips like the first few days of the S with the soccer camp and also the Bday funk slip, but that basically my effort/intent was to give W time, space, and (now) independence. When discussing her weekend trip W had said she just needed to get away, to let her emotions come down, and decompress. I said that, similarly, I was hoping that if I could give her time, space and independence for a while in the R that her emotions would come down, her walls would come down, and she would decompress. I said I was trying to give her time to work things out on her own. She acknowledged this (may have nodded affirmatively, may have seemed appreciative, but I'm not sure though I know she "heard" me).

In that context, I think, we also talked about how hard it is to manage some of these emotions when they flare up. I said I am working on it, but I got suspicious when I thought she was hiding things. I said I was not trying to defend my actions or attack hers, that I just wanted her to know what was happening for me, and that I was working on it, and doing better. I talked about how hard it was at times, like when I saw her and OM in her car that first time, and then second time, and then yesterday, but that it had gotten better each time. C had a shocked look on her face when I said I shook OM's hand. C said that your attitude on this is much better than last month, and I said yes, but not completely past it yet. W and I kind of chuckled about this. (BTW, it probably makes sense to point out that by this point C is not guiding us so much, and we are handling this convo and the topics on our own a little (with me leading more than her I think).)

I took the opportunity at this point to have a little more pointed discussion about OM. My goal was to find out if we were still operating under the same rules/commitments about wearing rings, not dating, and not telling anyone other than family and nanny. She confirmed all of that, and looked maybe a little bothered that I had to ask. So I explained that she had sat in that chair not long ago and talked about how threatened and vulnerable she felt about me "going back on my my word," and "undoing agreements," yet she had told BFF about our S despite our agreement not to and also had changed the earlier commitment she had made to me about no contact with OM other than as absolutely necessary. Recall that post-EA discovery and my ultimatum, she had agreed to only have absolutely unavoidable contact with OM. Well that has changed a little. W says now she is not actively avoiding him, and they do go to lunch and talk about everyday things, but no talks about us or them, and nothing like before. They are just friends, and they got to lunch, but not everyday. W was clearly a little defensive and said that she figured things had changed after the S. I just said it was fine, I couldn't control her and she could do whatever she wanted, but it was a change and we hadn't talked about it. W tried to say she thought we had discussed it, but I made it clear that no, we hadn't. I was not letting her pull that crap just moments after she said she figured (on her own obviously) that things were different after we S'd. W also tried to say that we had an express agreement not to ask each other for details about what they do on their own time, but I said I didn't think so. We agreed it was sort of implied in or consistent with a S anyway. I think it is good she still doesn't want either of us to date or tell people really.

On the topic of W's current R with OM, she said they are just friends, and that they go to lunch, but not every day. Basically, the change is she is not actively avoiding all but absolutely necessary contact. I did say that her R with OM is not just like any other friend (as she seemed to be trying to imply). What happened, happened. and we cannot deny that. I said You are very close to him, and he is your closest friend at the firm and one of your closest outside the Firm I suspect. You go to lunch with him more than anyone else. And you had feelings for him in February, at least, where you told each other ILY and you told me you were physically attracted to him. That can't just go away too quickly. At a minimum is seems that you still will have some thoughts about him, at least, so I suspect those issues are clouding your views. She just listened and didn't deny this. W did get a little defensive/bothered about this and, as she has before, felt compelled to clarify that OM is not our problem. We have lots of other problems - she said we have 300 or 300,000 other things/problems in our R that have nothing to do with OM. W didn't articulate this well, but her point is that we had problems before OM and the EA flourished. And she is right, and I acknowledged this, and said that I realize what happened came later. I did not want to use the word "symptom," but it is probably right, and maybe I should use that term in the future. I just don't want to minimize what the EA/Om means in our sitch. In fact, said that, perhaps unlike her, I did not see the EA/OM as being as insignificant. W did say that no, she doesn't think the OM is clouding her views. So, the most important part of all that (though lots of it is important, is that I said I know why the EA happened, and that it is not our problem, but IMO complicates matters and makes it harder. I validated a little on a point I thought I had validated before, but it is obviously still a hot button issue for her. I need to validate more. Maybe I ought to put that in writing.

Side note on this issue - It almost felt in a way like W wants me to trust her with these moves towards independence (trips, goings and comings, cc, finances, etc.). I want to trust her and I need to trust her, and I want her to know I trust her, BUT given the EA and all the deception, we obviously have trust issues. My trust of W was crushed in February, and we really have done very little, if anything, together to get it back. Now I know that re-building that trust with W is an issue for another day (if and when she recommits to the M/R), and I will strive to be as trusting as I can on my own, but it feels like W hasn't acknowledged or validated how hard the trust issue is for me. It feels a little like she thinks I should be over it already. I think that is what drove me to talk about the time W and OM commented to each other that bumping into me was awkward. As she said, it was awkward, but I wanted her to acknowledge that there was a valid reason I was upset and it was awkward. She did this, but perhaps not as convincingly as I would have liked.

I then tried to explain a little more why I felt OM maybe clouds W's thoughts. I said we haven't "worked on this M" since January 22nd, when we sat in our old T's office and said maybe we should stop trying so hard. I told W that part of me knows why she is not working on the M or cannot work on the M, because she needs time and space, for emotions to come down, walls to come down, etc., and I understand that. I then said that another part of me (and I said it's like I have a little devil on my shoulder talking to me) says its because of W's feelings for OM. She flatly denied this was the case, and I said "ok, I just wanted you to know that is where I am coming from." Note that W didn't flatly rule out that OM is an option for later for her, but I think I got as much as I could have reasonably hoped to get today.

BTW, right after I used the expression, it's like there is a little devil on my shoulder (thanks CVA!), W piped in "we all have a little devil on our shoulders." I wonder what she meant by this. Maybe she was trying to make me feel better, and nothing more than that, but in hindsight I am wondering if she means she is tempted to go with OM, or to hurt me, or to just throw in the towel and quit/leave, or do something she ? Any thoughts? Who knows, really, besides W?

Outside C's office, we looked at each other and I initiated a hug. She reciprocated. I felt like we needed it. As we were walking down the hall, I told her again that I am serious about being willing to separate finances. I want to reinforce that I will give her time, space and independence. She nods, says thanks, and indicates that we should just start with a separate cc. Outside, separating for our cars, she initiates a goodbye hug, and I turn it from a one-sided, one-armed lean in to a full hug. I'd like to see us get back to the point of compassionating, caring hugs (as a sign we do still care for one another). That may be too ambitious.

After the session, I sent a quick email to C saying I could hardly wait until morning to get her thoughts and she wrote back: "I think it's working and I think she needs to continue growing up so she can be less of a child in this relationship and more of an equal adult. And I think she's noticing and obviously letting in to some degree the changes you are making. It's still an open question, but it felt like a little bit (or maybe even a tad more) of positive movement to me. And, I'm not kidding when I say I could be wrong. But I'm usually not. The rest of today, tomorrow and this weekend will be very important: she allowed herself to talk about a topic, OM, that can get you very bent out of shape and we all know how that scares her. She needs to feel that you can contain and manage your emotions just the way you did in the session. I know it's not reasonable (I.e., as in super human stuff) to ask that of you given all the givens, but we are dealing with her old brain as well as her new one. It's the old one that needs convincing that this relationship can be safe." I responded to C that I had been worried that it was going South, and that I was going too far and doing damage, but I felt pretty good at the end of the session. I said that C's email made me feel good, and that I so wanted to feel a little good, but I didn't trust myself really. I also told C that I had heard her warning about how it is still an open question and how C "could be wrong." I assured C that I have very realistic expectations.
As far as C's comments that the rest of today, tomorrow and this weekend will be very important because W allowed herself to talk about a topic, OM, that can get me very bent out of shape, which scares W, I really feel my emotions on OM are pretty darn good right now and may have taken a big jump forward yesterday. I also feel very reinforced by the JC session, and what we said to each other about OM. And I think today's JC session will go a very long ways towards helping me let W go (time and space and, now I understand, independence) and focus on me. I also think I reinforced in W that I was in control of my emotions on the issue by hugging her right outside the office, telling her as we walked out that I was serious about my willingness to split the finances, and then hugging her again as we left for our cars.

Ok, this is a little funny. I told C in my email back that as far as the rest of the day, tomorrow and the weekend goes, I expected to have zero contact with W because the kids are with me tonight and tomorrow morning (at my parents' house), and then I head out for the Orlando weekend. So I didn't see that I would have a chance to reinforce to W that I could manage my emotions about OM. Well, I was wrong. I did get an opportunity, and rather quickly. I went downstairs to get lunch at noon, and sure enough, as I am walking towards the escalator from my elevator bank and, necessarily, passing through W's elevator bank), an elevator opens, and out steps W, then two people I don't know, and then OM. I assume it was a recruiting lunch, with law clerks. They don't see me at first. I do notice at one point, right after they start walking as a group from the elevators, that W look towards her right and makes eye contact with OM as they are walking. It was very brief, and probably means nothing, but I noticed it. It was very crowded so they didn't see me at first, and I would have really had to go out of my way to say "hi," so I just followed them assuming they would see me as we boarded the escalator. They did, with W seeing me first and us exchanging smiles and saying "hi," and me giving a little wave. Then OM and I make eye contact (we're probably six fee apart). And we exchange casual "Hi OM" and "Hi Nomo" greetings, and that's it. I am a cool customer. At the bottom of the escalator we go our separate ways. So, opportunity seized I think. I handled it pretty well and had a chance to reaffirm what we did this morning, and to show that I can manage my emotions about OM like I did in the JC session. But truthfully, my stomach was flipping and my adrenaline was pumping when I saw them. I guess the better way to say it is that I still expect to have the emotions for a while (forever?), but I think I am better prepared now than I have ever been to play it cool, smile, be friendly and not react in a negative way.

Ok, last thing. As I was writing this journal entry, I got rather emotional writing the part about how W and I had grown apart because she withdrew and I became more independent and so on, and especially how I had denied to myself for so long, and so recently, that I needed my W to say ILY, and to give affection, and intimacy, etc., etc., etc. And something possessed me to call her to see if we could talk about it. I can only explain that I wanted to talk to someone at that moment, and that W may very well have been the only person who could potentially give me what I needed (part of which was to be face-to-face). So I decided to go for it - call it an instinct. Sometimes you do have to trust your gut, and I think it worked out. The way I figured, this was a chance for me to (1) reinforce the points we learned in JC about how we grew apart because of how we each react to wounding, and how that led to a destructive cycle, (2) to show W how seriously I am thinking about things and discovering more about myself, (3) to validate better W's frustration at the idea that I and others may see the EA as the cause of our problems instead of a symptom, and (4) have a serious discussion with W outside the C's office, on our own like a functioning couple. I did not expect W to be able to really meet my needs (put an arm around me, console me), though I hoped she would be compassionate. The only downside I saw was coming across as needy, emotional and not strong, but I was willing to take that risk.

So I called, and she answered enthusiastically. I asked if she had time to meet downstairs, and she said no (because had to get something done), but can we talk on phone (I'm pretty sure sensing I was upset). I said that's ok, let's wait - maybe I will just write you a note. (I had also considered a letter to her in the first place.) She pushed to talk now by phone, and got up to shut her door. So we did it. It was emotional on my part anyway, and I just said there were two things I wanted to talk to her about. First, that I had been thinking about our JC session and the cycle that led us to grow apart really upset me. And I walked through that cycle on the phone (and she was agreeing) and explained how I had denied my needs. And she agreed with that too. I explained that it was really just hitting me pretty intensely, as I thought I had understood it on a different level in the context of our R. She validated and said she sees how her pulling away was not good for us either and how it hurt me. (I could sense in her mind a little defensiveness, and suspect she was playing the blame game in her head a bit and thinking that well, you hurt me first.) She was concerned and compassionate and supportive. She also said all this focus on me was really good and important for me, and she was very glad it is happening. (I think she still doesn't quite get that she needs to do the same thing.) Second, I brought up her hostile reaction to the idea that OM is a problem, and how she had said we had many other very big problems. I could sense hostility again on this point. I said I understood what she was trying to say, and that I agree we had problems long before the EA came to fruition. She said really? I said yes, and that I had said as much before, but I sensed today that she hadn't heard me or believed me, so I want to say it again clearly. She thanked me. I did also say I thought she had not validated how hard it was for me to deal with this issue, and referred to our exchange in JC about her and OM saying me bumping into them was "awkward." Well, did you hear me today say I understood? I said yes, but off the record I could use more validation. At the end of the call, she thanked me and said very genuinely "take care, ok?" I said yes and said I was sorry for calling her, but I didn't know who else to call. I said I shouldn't have done it. She said "no, it's ok, we have a limited number of resources."

Ok, that's it. Whew! Over all good day I think, and hopefully lots of progress. It feels good, but it also feels like it will be real slow. We'll see. All in all I feel pretty positive about my sitch now. I think I have to back off, give her time, space and independence, trust her, be her friend, give her signs of loving and caring here and there (or unless she initiates or asks for help/support), and keep going to these JC sessions. And the key to almost all of that is being patient and managing my PMA so I can be happy, positive, happy, upbeat and attractive Nomo.

Thanks for reading and any support or feedback appreciated.

Nomo