please help with advice, new here, H in mlc

[HBT]

I am so grateful for all who have responded; I am truly trying to take this all in. I feel like I'm in a dense fog waiting to lift right now. I know I have to heed all the advice to go forward; I just need to find my will. I haven't been w/o him for our entire marriage, not more than a few nights.

Im still burdened with this financial thing, learning so much more of the garbage going on. BTW, I had already affirmed the 'no snooping goal' to myself before I even received your comments because that one is really not hard. I'm just not USUALLY that kind of person - h has done this to me, the emotional upheavel over the last days/weeks has set me in a full tail spin. I know I cannot control him nor do I want to. I find it insulting that he even suggests that I would want to 'track him down'! I say don't flatter yourself! I guess I'm done.

Yes, 2sad, there is alot more to the story and his previous life. There was alot of guilt over him leaving his kids from the previous marriage I think but we ended up raising them much of their lives. His son has lived with us full time for 12 years(just left for his own place with MY help-moving, cosigning, etc) and before that we had joint custody of them with 'me' as their primary caregive/babysitter as well. You would never know it by his story though, he blames me for 'messing up his kids lives'. His son and I are stronger now than ever in spite of him certainly not because of him. He did everything to come between us; by never putting me or our marriage first. Man, I could write a book. Step family dynamics are so tough! But we did recognize this going in, we always said we would get through it together, light at the end...Our emotional commitment was solid; always!! I know I didn't imagine this!

Yes, I admit I wasn't the 'perfect step mom' by no means but I simply can't be the monster he makes me out to be. Both of his kids have always called me mom or mommy and my SS just called recently to say how sorry he is and he loves me. We talk or see each other almost daily.

Never once did h step foot in their school setting or dr offices. Nothing in our household was his responsibility whatsoever, and now thats my downfall...he feels I didn't respect him. We were the 'perfect couple' to all who knew us, very romantic, touchy feely, affection at all times anywhere. I doted on him. We still held hands watching tv up until a few days ago...always grossing the kids out!

I guess I'm rambling...