Thanks, Nikki. I would be interested in reading that.
I'm not sure if this is (one of) my problems, but I will think on it. Looking back, I don't see this pattern on other parts of my life before the bomb. I am reacting / acting in ways that I have never done before. This current desperate, impulsive, emotional wreck has never been me. I was actually happy with most of my life, if overextended and a bit stressed about my lack of time-management skills. I love my career. I have two great kids who bring me a lot of joy and pride. I was so looking forward to finishing grad school--I would have become a professional student if I could have gotten paid to do it. I have family and friends who love me. And I was happy and secure in my marriage. Was it perfect? No, of course not.
But the difference in mine and H's perceptions were huge. I saw flaws, but they were outweighed by all of the positives. OK, he didn't dance, write poetry or read novels for fun. I would have liked to talk about important matters much more (even he is seeing how this was a huge contributor to our current sitch).
Anyway, I think that is why I am such a mess. My current mindset is so different from my true self. The compulsion and lack of self-control is really pissing me off!
My days looking forward are going to be much more full, which I think will help so much. A week in FL, a full day of parenting class, visit with a local friend, 2 days in NJ with friends, one last weekend and then back to work/school. I have to get back to my life, back to me, and stop obsessing.
"When all you have to keep is strong And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along Like I know you do Just to make it through. When everything is wrong We move along, move along."
