Interesting tidbit, found in the appendix of How Can I Forgive You by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. The appendix covers the five core emotional needs, and the kinds of dysfunctional actions and attitudes that can be expected from individuals that were denied those needs during their formative years. (Note: Dr. Spring uses the convention of naming the interpersonal offender "He", which bugs the crap out of me in my sitch, so I have changed it to "She" in this exerpt. WC)
Core Emotional Need #3: The Freedom To Express Valid Needs and Emotions
We tend to flourish in an environment in which we're free to express our legitimate needs and emotions. The offender who was reared by authoritarian or needy parents may learn at an early age to stifle self-expression and be overly responsible. People who surrender to or avoid these familiar patterns are unlikely to do anything that requires your forgiveness - in fact, their modus operandi is to behave in ways that increase the chances that you'll appreciate them or at least get along with them. Never knowing what they really think or feel - they themselves may not know either - you are more likely to find them annoying or boring than troublesome. You may detect a basic inauthenticity in your relationship and may find it hard either to like or dislike them. You may not realize that although they project an air of selflessness and sacrifice, deep inside they resent you for making them feel as marginalized, as subjugated, as they experienced themselves as children - a response you never intended. The third way in which an offender may cope with childhood patterns is to overcompensate. If she was muffled as a child - coerced into being someone other than herself, someone her parents needed her to be - she may as an adult fight back in maladaptive ways, with you as the victim. To extricate herself from the role of the good, compliant child, she may do something totally out of character, totally selfish and reckless, such as having an affair or trashing you.
By far the best possible 3 paragraph summary of W's role in our relationship to date. Now, I just wish she had given some idea of how to help a person with this kind of dysfunctional attitude. I've got this great kid, you know, and he loves his mother very much. I know I should just cut her out of my life as much as possible, for my own sake, but how do I do that to him?
