DONNA--finding herself #14

[NikB]

Here's the thing, some people like to suffer. They like to wallow as it deflects them having to take a good hard look at themselves if they continue to deflect onto the spouse. Not for nothing but when the hell are you gonna start caring more about yourself than you do about your H????

Donna - if this rings true for you, I found a book you might want to check out. I am totally excited about it, and can't wait to get it (wishing I had sprung for the quick shipping instead of the freebie!). I was looking for the Boundaries book Oldtimer recommended and also found this one by the same author:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1592850847/103-1255002-0708653

The title is "When Misery is Company: End Self-Sabotage and Become Content"

I haven't gotten it yet, so I can't comment on how it is, but based on the reviews and the info on Amazon it looks REALLY good. If you're trying to save $$ there are used ones for under $5.

Here's the Amazon "plug" for it (I bolded the parts that really jumped out at me):

Book Description
Do you, or does someone you love, take comfort in misery? If achievement creates anxiety, if intimacy leads to fear, of if happiness produces uneasiness, you might be unwittingly making choices that keep you miserable. You might, in fact, be addicted to misery. Feeling too good for too long--or even feeling good at all--can be a frightening situation for those who believe that every joy must be equalized by a setback explains groundbreaking author and psychotherapist Anne Katherine. In this first-of-its-kind, fascinating, and prescriptive book, Katherine describes how many people guard against disappointment, fear, or shame by not allowing themselves to fully experience intimacy, success, or pleasure. Offering exercises, personal stories and gentle wisdom. Katherine empowers readers to climb out of their carefully calibrated misery and find new comfort in contentment.

And here is part of one of the reviews:

Whether they like it or not, admit it or not, a large number of people are "addicted to misery." Misery addiction is an insidious form of self-sabotage that manifests in a large number of very different, but very "general" ways. For instance, we may habitually make choices that set us up to fail, or we may abandon projects right before they succeed. Maybe we choose abusive partners and friends; maybe we're chronically underemployed. Perhaps we avoid happiness because of a persistant fear that we will *lose* that happiness. Each issue-- in one way or another-- adds up to living a life in which we never really feel content or fulfilled, and like the "good things" of life somehow keep passing us by.

Whatever the issue might be, conventional psychology either does not recognize Misery Addiction at ALL, or it chalks such problems up to more "popularly acceptable" causes, such as poor self-esteem, lack of assertiveness, ADHD or some other more widely recognized "syndrome." In this groundbreaking new book, author and psychotherapist Anne Katherine explains that there's really much more at work here.

Both of these REALLY made me go "AH HA!" Especially the part about avoiding happiness and intimacy due to fear. Remember how you said you wondered if you and H ever truly had that intimacy?? I feel that way too sometimes. I have been reading Sara's reviews of Retrauville and thinking about going and the thought of it terrifies me (me.. the LBS who desparately wanted the chance to fix things... and it terrifies ME? I kept asking myself WHY???). I see why now - fear. And that fear is quite probably led to the breakdown of intimacy in my M (or the lack of true emotional intimacy to begin with, I'm still wrestling with that question).

Anyway - I see in myself that often when I make progress (in many things, not just my R/M), I begin to sabotage myself. I see that in you, too.

Hoping this book helps me figure out how to stop jumping in front of that damn bus!! I will be sure to share my "review" here after I've read it, but thought you might be interested in getting it before then.

(((Donna)))