Ian-- I know that I must be so frustrating for OT and the others, as well as yourself. The wakeup call is appreciated. I remember reading someone else's thread just after I signed onto the boards who was doing the same thing that I have been doing now, thinking, my God, woman, LISTEN!
And now, I am doing the same thing.
Maybe it is because I never broke up with anyone in my life; H has been my one and only. I never saw this coming, and most (if not all) of this time, I have been focused on trying to save us being a couple, that I got terrified when it looks to really be the end. Trying to take the parenting class together was a HUGE mistake! This has been the hardest thing in my life.
Today has to be a whole new start for me. I can see how I have given away the power of my life to this man, who has not treated me well. I wish I could stay angry; I actually feel better like that. Or when I keep this mess up in my head.
I feel a slave to my emotions--the same thing that I condemn him for! I've GOT to get a handle on myself!
Getting away for the week from CW across the street, my in-laws (who try so hard but are also a constant reminder), our mutual friends, our house with it's memories...leave all of it behind and try to find myself again. Enjoy the kids and family, feel small in front of the ocean.
The kids know H's phone number, so they can call on their own. I am going to put an alarm watch on S as the reminder so I don't even have to think about that. Emailed H that pick up and drop offs will be in the driveway, and I am staying in the car. I'm asking him to stay in the house. He can't come to our house, because there is a good chance that CW's H would shoot him. He hasn't been back to the house in over 3 weeks. I need the break, I need to go "cold-turkey" to get over this addiction. I AM hurting myself at this point, by putting myself in front of the bus (me and you, Nikki...).
Would you believe that I was a happy, secure, optomistic person before this whole thing blew up? He was not my whole life, but I have given up so much of myself while trying to get through this. I became willing to give up everything for him, and did for the most part. I have to get that back.
To hold me to task, I am going to post any emails I do send him here. And start a withdrawal count-down.
I did stick to my plan before I spoke with him earlier--I called two friends and the C, and did 2 active things from my list. The compulsion didn't go away, and I called. Of course, it is the same mistake I have made over and over. It never gets me any closer to what I want, no matter how much it makes "sense" for me to talk to him. So, updating the plan--call FOUR friends and do 3 activities, post here, and still DON'T call unless someone else is in dire emergency. My emergencies won't count. This might sound sick, but I have to almost pretend he is dead. No contact for at least...3 weeks (does that sound like too much of a stretch for me right now? Urgh...have to!!) That gets me to 9/7/07. I'll renew the plan then. I want him to be the one to contact me, so the timeline will (probably) have to be extended.
I'm at 5 hours. And I slept for 2 of them. How pathetic...but I can only get better from here.
If all of these words, from all of my wonderfully supportive friends and family, all of the books I have read, haven't been able to get through my thick head to keep me on the only path that has a remote chance of working, how can I expect MY words to reach H?
