changes in attitudes, changes in latitudes

[Not Much Left]

That is an excellent quote, I wish we could all live that way, 24/7. OK at least while we are awake!

I have been out a lot. The youngest has definitely clued in to what is going on, he is 5. I get the "stop going out of town", then it was "why doesnt mommy want you to sleep with her in your bed?, just talk to her and tell her you want to sleep in your bed"

Heartbreaking. Not sure I answered your question though. I wasnt as direct with the 5 & 7 yr old as I was with the 9 and 11 yr old. the 9 yr old knows what is going on, the D11 knows but will not really aknowledge anything. S7 just does not address it.

[new_attitude]

CVA- Does your w give you any feedback on how they act when you're not there? Maybe they're not openly acknowledging it, but has their behavior changed? I hope I'm not sounding too negative. However, maybe they've adjusted better in your case b/c you're there every night that you can be there and you help put them to bed.

[Not Much Left]

She gives me NO feedback. Nada, on anything really.

They are clearly hurt / confused / insecure about the future of our family. It does help that I am there most every night except when out of town.

The last time they went to the inlaws, my youngest told her BFF when she asked him if he was excited to go he said "my daddy is not going" and was looking down.

I dont like to think anyone is adjusting to anything, but I know what you mean.

Look, it is not a cakewalk or easy on anyone, that is why we are fighting so hard because we know it's best for our families to do so.

Try not to well on it. the 7 yr olds are at the age that it is too hard to hide it from them, can you explain that "mommy and daddy need to work some things out and that is why daddy is out of the house?" something like that and leave it at that?

[new_attitude]

I think this is a good time for me to reevaluate things. I've been DBing for more than 2 months, giving H tons of space, not starting R talks, not saying ILY, working on my patience (successfully, I would say), trying to GAL. Now I look at the result: H is ready to move out, he's half-way out the door already (bringing things to the apt already). Did I do something wrong? I think I may need to change my approach in some way, but I'm not sure how.

H brought up the $ issue yesterday. He said that he would have to change the amount he transfers to me w/every paycheck because he will have the new rent expense. I responded with "It's not like our house expenses are going to be going down because you're not here." I wish I wasn't so snarky, but I just couldn't help myself. I was expecting this, so I had drawn up a quick budget the day before and figured out that I will be fine. I had to tell him that we needed to talk about this later, when the kids weren't around, and then I went out for another 45 minute walk. He didn't bring it up later and neither did I.

I had a tough day today, as we spent a lot of time together as a family. We went to the beach this morning and it really brought me down. I tried not to show it, but when we got home I had to spend some time alone with my tears. We had a nice dinner together, then went out for ice cream. I would find myself having a good time and then I would remember that he's leaving us and it would hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. I just do not understand it.

With the pending S, I have to set out a new list of goals. That will be my personal project for the next few days. I'm always better when I have a project to work on.

I also need to figure out exactly what this S means. Should I bring this up to him? Should we have "rules"? Do we have to divvy up time with the kids already? Is he expecting to date? Does he think he can some waltzing back whenever he feels like it, for a visit or permanently? Would it be too much to ask him about childproofing the apt? I can't imagine having the kids stay with him there without my seeing it. Actually, I can't imagine the kids staying there at all.

Thanks, all.

[new_attitude]

I had a long talk w/H yesterday on the phone, mostly about the effect of the S on the kids. I told him that I can still feel the sadness from when my parents had a temporary S over 20 yrs ago. He was really upset. In retrospect, I think I validated well, but may not have been DBing as well as I should be. I'm having a hard time putting my needs on the back burner.

He has gone away for a few days and will not be coming with us when we go to visit my parents this w/e (5+ hr drive). We haven't told the kids about the S yet, but he did tell them he was going away for a few days and that he wouldn't be coming w/us this w/e. I gave him a big hug when he left last night. I'm trying to be as supportive and empathetic as I can, trying to be the kind of wife he'd want to come back to.

[Not Much Left]

NA
Sounds like you did OK. Its OK to show some feelings every once in a while (IMO). You are not a DBing machine, you are human and sometimes those feeling guide your actions. Go read my stuff last 2 days if you dont believe me!

Big Hugs
C

[new_attitude]

NA
Sounds like you did OK. Its OK to show some feelings every once in a while (IMO). You are not a DBing machine, you are human and sometimes those feeling guide your actions. Go read my stuff last 2 days if you dont believe me!

Hi CVA,

I did read your thread the last few days and I left you a note. Did you miss it?

Does anyone have any comments on my questions regarding separation? Thanks!

[Not Much Left]

NA, first I would like to apologize for not responding specifically to your comment on my thread. I did see it and thought I had responded and that I appreciated you checking in with me.

I think this is a good time for me to reevaluate things. I've been DBing for more than 2 months, giving H tons of space, not starting R talks, not saying ILY, working on my patience (successfully, I would say), trying to GAL. Now I look at the result: H is ready to move out, he's half-way out the door already (bringing things to the apt already). Did I do something wrong? I think I may need to change my approach in some way, but I'm not sure how.

No, I dont think you have done anything wrong, I am not a fly on the wall but you are doing what you can. You need to be proud of it, not constantly second guessing, it tends to show (I think). Always re-evaluate. The S is not the end and may be the only way for him to figure this out. No question it is hard on you and it sucks, but at least you will be home w/ your kids which you can focus on. I know you want him not to go, but the more you tug, the more he will push back.

H brought up the $ issue yesterday. He said that he would have to change the amount he transfers to me w/every paycheck because he will have the new rent expense. I responded with "It's not like our house expenses are going to be going down because you're not here." I wish I wasn't so snarky, but I just couldn't help myself. I was expecting this, so I had drawn up a quick budget the day before and figured out that I will be fine. I had to tell him that we needed to talk about this later, when the kids weren't around, and then I went out for another 45 minute walk. He didn't bring it up later and neither did I.

I thought that was actually the right comment at the right time. It is true and not aggressive or acusatory. I was not there but just sounds like you said it in a matter of fact tone.
Good for you on going for a walk to cool off.

I had a tough day today, as we spent a lot of time together as a family. We went to the beach this morning and it really brought me down. I tried not to show it, but when we got home I had to spend some time alone with my tears. We had a nice dinner together, then went out for ice cream. I would find myself having a good time and then I would remember that he's leaving us and it would hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. I just do not understand it.

I know, I know, we play family every weekend. No great comment hear.

With the pending S, I have to set out a new list of goals. That will be my personal project for the next few days. I'm always better when I have a project to work on.

I also need to figure out exactly what this S means. Should I bring this up to him? Should we have "rules"? Do we have to divvy up time with the kids already? Is he expecting to date? Does he think he can some waltzing back whenever he feels like it, for a visit or permanently? Would it be too much to ask him about childproofing the apt? I can't imagine having the kids stay with him there without my seeing it. Actually, I can't imagine the kids staying there at all.

If you think he will listen, you sound like a person that is good at laying things out. Would he agree to some ground rules or no? I personally go everyday with no specicific rules and I can tell you it is not easy not knowing when it is OK to come over, just call to talk or not? kids? whatever, I think it would be easier, again if he will listen.

[new_attitude]

NA, first I would like to apologize for not responding specifically to your comment on my thread. I did see it and thought I had responded and that I appreciated you checking in with me.

No problem!

No, I dont think you have done anything wrong, I am not a fly on the wall but you are doing what you can. You need to be proud of it, not constantly second guessing, it tends to show (I think). Always re-evaluate. The S is not the end and may be the only way for him to figure this out. No question it is hard on you and it sucks, but at least you will be home w/ your kids which you can focus on. I know you want him not to go, but the more you tug, the more he will push back.

I guess I'm looking at this as the "don't continue to go down cheeseless tunnels" issue. I don't want to keep doing more of the same if it is just driving him further away.

I also need to figure out exactly what this S means. Should I bring this up to him? Should we have "rules"? Do we have to divvy up time with the kids already? Is he expecting to date? Does he think he can some waltzing back whenever he feels like it, for a visit or permanently? Would it be too much to ask him about childproofing the apt? I can't imagine having the kids stay with him there without my seeing it. Actually, I can't imagine the kids staying there at all.

If you think he will listen, you sound like a person that is good at laying things out. Would he agree to some ground rules or no? I personally go everyday with no specicific rules and I can tell you it is not easy not knowing when it is OK to come over, just call to talk or not? kids? whatever, I think it would be easier, again if he will listen.

He would probably listen, but I don't know if I should be the one to bring it up. Part of me says, "You want to be alone, I'll leave you alone, really alone." I have a lot of bitterness in me that I'm recognizing over the last few days. I can't get over the feeling that he is being selfish and he doesn't recognize the effect on the rest of us. I'm tired of having him not ask about me- not even a simple "How are you? What did you do today?" I'm actually appreciating my time alone right now.

Thanks for reading and posting to me. I appreciate it so much.

[new_attitude]

I need advice!!!

I wrote the other day about H bringing up the issue of how he'd have to decrease the amount that he transfers to me each paycheck because he will now have to pay rent. For the past several years, we've had a system where an amount equal to about 50% of our monthly expenses is automatically transfered to my checking account (broken out over 2 paychecks per month). I pay all of the household bills out of my checking account. Well, I just checked on the last transfer, which was 2 days ago, and he cut the amount by almost half!!!!! We never agreed to such a huge deduction- our bills are not going to decrease by much just because he's not living here.

I really think he's lost it. Who is this alien who's taken over my H's body?

So, I would like some advice on how I should approach this. He's out of town until tomorrow and then the kids and I will be away from Friday to Monday. The old me would have called him up immediately and confronted him. The new me is here asking for advice on how to proceed. Thanks.