Sometimes it is just the anticipation of seeing OW that gets me like this. Stupid as that might sound...
Doesn't sound stupid at all. I saw OW at the grocery store in the checkout line one day as I was walking into the store, promptly threw up, and now I scan the parking lot every time I go to make sure she isn't there. And I still feel sick the most of the time I'm shopping (what if she comes in after me?). I can't even imagine HAVING to see her on a regular basis.
I realize that we both need to work on getting PAST this and I look forward to SD's thoughts, but just wanted to empathize and let you know you're not alone (by a longshot). Don't beat yourself up too much for not talking to her. You'll get there, but I think just having the strength to be there at all is a big accomplishment for now.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I heard the "bumps in the road" thing too from H just the other day and thought "what the f*ck" that must have been one HUGE bump. I don't know, the whole sitch sucks, but I'm actually glad that it happened or we would be where we were, w/ absolutely no R between the 2 of us in our M, and headed toward the big D still.
I still think you are giving the OW way too much power over your thoughts & mind. I know, I know, easy for me to say, but I really think if you quit thinking of her as some sort of competition or that she is somehow better than you b/c for a time H chose her over you, you will be further ahead in that regard.
I honestly don't think w/ all that we've all gone through that we will EVER forget the lessons we've learned!!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Hey Care Just wanted to pop by and say heloo ... I remember chatting on the Boston weekend .. i LOVE your accent
Haven't got much useful to add .. in my sitch there was no OW (H didn't need anyone else to help him decide he didn't love me .. sigh) but I do have one thing to add....
Piecing is Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong .... far longer I think than DB'ing, just not as intense. It's still a rollercoaster, don't fall into the trap I did once of thinking one downer was the start of it all crashing down my ears (thanks to Rob for pointing that out to me). You will both - you and H - need time to get over this. he will need his "forgiveness" and you will need your "apology". I've put these in inverted commas cos the actual words "I forgive you" or "I'm sorry" probably won't be forthcoming, but the actions for these will ... keep your eyes peeled for them.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I've also read and been told by my C that forgiving is a process. For awhile, you need to wake up each morning and "decide" that yes, I am forgiving H for what he did. Maybe today I don't feel like it, maybe today I'm pissed as h*ll about the whole sitch, but yes, I am going to forgive H because I do want this M. It's a process and it doesn't happen overnight unfortunately.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Our h's may think they did nothing wrong because it wasn't physical but...
THEY KNOW WE THINK IT WAS WRONG AND IF THEY WANT TO WORK ON THE MARRAIGE LIKE THEY SAY THEY DO, THEN THEY WILL RESPECT THE FACT THAT WE THINK IT IS WRONG.
That, I think is what is going to help me get over the OW.
That and not finding anything in his hideing spot for her b-day or christmas.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 08/10/0701:20 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I have the same probs with the OW. I used to fixate on her and found that that fixation was actually detracting from the process of working on my marriage after my H's A. I thought about OW all the time and he never did - stupid I know.
I have never been on the piecing board before but know that that is where I should really be. MY H gives me no reason to think that he is not fully committed to our M now. It has been my head that has kept me away, (along with all those great guys and gals still over where I have been posting before). But I guess I can post in two places.
What I have found whilst I have been posting elsewhere is that I have moved on significantly and OW is not the first thing I think of when I wake up and not necessarily the last thing I think off when going to sleep. Deciding I was NEVER going to like or forgive OW took me on a big step and also my H told me out of the blue recently that he had never loved OW. He thought he did at the time but now he realised he never did and that it was nothing compared to what he felt for me. That was the biggest move forward.
So I hope I am ok to join you guys here?
And jak58 - hows the tattoo? Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I don't know, the whole sitch sucks, but I'm actually glad that it happened or we would be where we were, w/ absolutely no R between the 2 of us in our M, and headed toward the big D still. 