Reality...Bite Me

[Dom R]

I am always so scared to make any attempts or show any affection because the last time I did, he yelled at me, "haven't we gone through enough?".

Timing is very important. There's not much point in showing him an open door, if all he wants to do is head to another neighbourhood.

As far as dropping hints goes, i think that you have to wait until such times as your relationship with him is going very well, and then say something like, you'd enjoy being together like this every day. Doesnt sound like you're along that path, though. Maybe sometime in the future, if you two start "going out", that would be ok.

I dont have any experience in starting recovery though, so this is just a guess, as opposed to someone who has gone through it themselves, or a counsellor.

OR: Since you are heading in the other direction, going relatively dark with him, perhaps a mention, one time, BRIEFLY, that this isnt what you wanted... that it is his choice not to have an intimate relationship with you any more, not your choice, and you would prefer things were otherwise between you.
Dont go into big "i want you back" stuff.. no begging, pleading, neediness. Short and sweet, so to speak.


I wouldnt mention it more frequently than once a month, and not if you've had any other "relationship talk" recently.


The one thing you can do ALL the time, is simply to treat him with courtesy, while avoiding showing him contempt.


The whole "going dark" thing, i think is originally from the harley books and concepts. They advocate going "formally" dark, and writing up a letter, saying basically, "I want to have a good marriage with you, but I am hurting too much by the way you treat me. If you are willing at some point to commit to our marriage, and treat me like [.....], then please contact me about that. Until that time, please do not contact me AT ALL, except for critical children/legal issues".

Then they have something in their hands telling them that yes, the way back is open, and also what they have to do to follow it.

HOWEVER....
1. Following that approach is no magic bullet. It supposedly is primarily for the emotional protection of the LBS, when they cant stand "being nice" any more
2. it probably doesnt work too well for MLC. primarily just straight "affairs". But I dont know.
Harley doesnt mention MLCs. Only Michelle does. Harley's books primarily deal with a spouse leaving for "someone else", because their emotional needs arent getting met by their spouse. They dont deal with the concept of spouse leaving, because of a lacking in themselves that they are struggling vainly to fill.


There are other finer points to the formal approach. one being that you are supposed to leave them with as positive a view of you as possible before you hit them up with the letter. That way, they remember the best of you, rather than any fights leading up to them leaving.

PS: the stuff about 'perfect' people being prone to affairs, was probably in a "harley" book somewheres, but cant be sure.



So anyways, thats what my book research tells me