OK, maybe this is just rambling, but I think that at some point, the bold "dangerous" move for us LBH's may be to save our families by filing for divorce from our WAW's.
By this I mean, documenting the behaviour of our WAW's, hiring the best L money can buy and going for full custody, limited contact for WAW with kids, and all financial resources of the M remaining with the kids (and us), including child support from ex-W
I think your first paragraph might be right. It shows that we are moving on with our lives, with or without our spouses. It shows strength -- and unwillingness to be dis-respected and a clear sense of our personal boundaries. It tells them we will not be there with them forever, IF they choose to continue in their crazy-making mode.
Paragraph #2 seems attractive provided you can prove the WAS is an unfit parent and you happen to have massive amounts of money. Because the court and lawyer fees will bleed you. In most cases, adultery has no bearing on custody or division of marital assets. Even if the WAS is "unfit" it's hard to prove unless there is drug use or clear negligence. And in many cases, that kind of case forces a highly litigious blood-bath and the children might need to tesitify. You end up destroying what you were trying to save.
Better to firmly, but gently move your spouse towards financial indepedence --which shows you are not accepting the status quo. That shows your detachment. And shoot for joint custody with 50-50 time with kids. You each have your lawyer and you use a mediator to hammer our the agreement.
This is what Frank did. He looked at the situation and said, "We can't afford separate households right now. So let me help you get your business off the ground so you can move towards contributing 50% of household expenses. Then you'll be in a place where you can move out. This way we'll both avoid living in nasty cramped housing. If you really want your space, move into the spare bedroom and put a lock on your bedroom door." Or something like that. Then Frank proceeded to GAL in a serious way. This gave his wife a taste of his unavailabilty and his seriousness in moving on. He started doing fun things with the kids without his wife.
Of course I'm summarizing Frank's story.
I think we can send a message about our "not being safe and always available" by moving them towards a divorce in a way that minimizes the bloodbath, and helps them get on their feet. A benevolent strength. More a samurai than a ninja. More Thor than Loki. More Christ than Judas. More the SWAT team capitan than the terrorist.
We still need to protect the kids while we fight for them.
