My wife wants out !!

[dadtotwo]

I am new here so I will try and give you all the short version. My wife and I have been married almost 11 years and have 2 beautiful children (5D,4S). Over the last 3 years I have created a financial mess for our family. I was so determined to make us a better life that I compromised our financial well-being. Loss of health insurance, bankruptcy and our house is in foreclosure. My wife has been living this nightmare and has been waiting for me to "fix it". She wanted me to do "whatever it takes" to make money in any way. I was not working steady for almost 2 years but have been back to work for the last year. Yet, I was unable to get us out from under this mess. Meanwhile, we became so distant and we stopped communicating and our relationship was in a tail spin. No intimacy, no smiling, no nothing. Her resentment towards me grew more and more and I chose to ignore it thinking things would get better. I have no excuses for what has happened and I have put my family in terrible financial trouble. A few weeks ago she said that she cannot "live like this any more". She needs a man she can count on to do whatever it takes and I am not that man from her standpoint. She thinks we are better off going our seperate ways so that we can rebuild our lives. She has said that she will always love me but cannot count on me to give her and our children the financial stability we need. There is so much more to tell and I welcome feedback and will reply to tell more of the story. I still have hope that we can reconcile and be stronger later. I am making the necessary changes to work as much as possible but from her position it is "too much too late". Our one and only counseling session from yesterday just reiterated that she is very hurt, resentful, has no trust or faith in me and does not see her feelings changing.

[MissingMyHoney]

Hmm, where would I start on this one? Let me try, markyb, seems like you have not done anything other than 'not trying hard enough to be stable.'

What kind of career do you have? Perhaps, I can give you and idea where you should go.

[dadtotwo]

My career has been in the mortgage industry that I was very successful at. My choice to leave and pursue this venture all but consumed me as I just didn't want to just "get by". My intention was a better financial future for my family but my obsession did just the opposite.

[dadtotwo]

I am also aware that she has been speaking with OM for some time now. She said a few weeks ago that she was only talking to him for support as he went through a divorce. I have tried to be calm about it after I blew up at her for cheating. I said that regardless of our situation, it is unacceptable to be talking to OM about our marriage in our house with our children sleeping across the hall. I fear that this new excitement for her will prevent her from opening back up to me. I have read quite a bit on EA and I can understand the need for attention, feeling good etc. but it still hurts that she would bring another person into our relationship. It is obvious as she keeps her cell phone hidden or close to her all the time. I have accepted responsibility for my actions but when does she? We both got disconnected and we both should share the responsibility to do our very best to work on our marriage.

[bar]

You have a lot on at the moment and must think you are losing everything. You must focus on yourself and what you have to do to salvage as much of the work situation as possible. As for your W you cannot control her actions or her thoughts. You cannot tell her what she should/ought to do. Right now she only cares about herself and her situation. By confronting her and telling her what to do you are driving her away even more.

I would suggest you back off and let her get on with her own thought processes. Show her by your actions that you are getting on with what you have to do, with or without her. Of course you have to draw boundaries, especially if there are children, but never demand, insist or give ultimatums. Keep it civil, friendly even, for your own sake as well as the kids.

If she says she is moving out do not over react but calmly ask when because you have scheduled other committments.

[dadtotwo]

I understand your comments. It is so hard when we are still under the same roof and not even sleeping in the same bed. Going to work is what I need to do but while I am gone I can't help but think who she is talking to. It feels as if this new person is where she wants to go but she is not moving out. I am focusing on what I have to do including personal counseling. What a lousy way to live when your wife looks at you as if you are not worth her affection.

[MissingMyHoney]

Ya, true mortgage business is upside down right now. W should understands that but it seems she refuse to. This alone is selfish. What about good time and bad times, for richer or for poorer. What happend to family values?

What you are experiencing are the early signs of such a dramatic event, you need to stop focusing on her and focus on yourself. I have been there and I know how it feels. Its very difficult but the more you push her the further the W will be withdrawn. You need to STOP NOW.

If you drink, STOP drinking, if you SMOKE quit smoking. You need to make tiny changes. If the garage is cluttered up, do a summer cleaning, get rid of the old things. Keep yourself busy and preoccupied your mind with things you normally dont do.

Go to the movies, go to a baseball game, football pre-season is starting soon, go to the games.

Good luck!

[bar]

Whenever I'm visualising H and OW I use a technique I found in a Paul McKenna book called whiteout. You imagine the picture/sound as if it were on a tv screen where you can adjust the picture until all you get is a white screen or white noise. Believe me- the more you do it, the more it works.

You must also learn to ignore her 'looks' and keep working on your PMA. Act as if everything is ok. This will puzzle her because it's not what she expects you to do. My H recently said I was having too much fun and he expected me to be depressed. He is cross because I'm not doing what he expects. I'm not really having that much fun and I am depressed but I sure as hell don't want him to know that. I want to be a strong, independent and attractive woman so that he thinks about what he might be missing if he goes. It's hard and it hurts and sometimes I just scream and cry (when he's out).

Because he was so cross I realise he does care what I think and feel. This is a real boost to my PMA. At the moment I'm living with the thought that he'll move out any day now and it's absolutely no way to live. However, if he does go, it will be with the knowledge that he's leaving an attractive, stong, independent woman behind. If I become a basket case it will make him feel better because that's what he expects.

Good luck and have faith!

[sandi2]

Hi,

I'm Sandi2, "Almost Walked Away Wife" from a M of 41+ years. So, it can happen to anyone at any age. I can relate to the money problems. I can tell you that a lot of women find it very difficult to love the H after the respect is lost. I think I sensed your W has lost respect for you and blames you for your financial stress. But....when you brought up about the OM, I have to wonder if she isn't using what YOU did as her ace trump? Perhaps she thinks she "deserves" OM. Let me make a wild guess here....he has money. I can't see her wanting to get involved with a man that doesn't have a good income, b/c the way she looks at it...she already has that. (I'm not trying to hurt you here....ok? I am trying to give you a little insight about how we think.)

Let me ask you this.....was the OM in the picture before or after the money problems? Or, do you know for sure at what point the OM came on the scene?

I think your W sees this as a case where -- if she left you....everyone would be on her side b/c they would probably know about your money problems, so it would look like she wasn't so "bad" to leave you. That leaves--You=bad guy that she couldn't respect....and--she=WAW that needed financial security. That is what I mean by using it as her ace trump card.

I know from personal experience how it can affect a wife. I have to respect my H in order to love him sexually. He has never been very motivated about a career, but I won't get off into that right now. Just let me say that when my H found out about the OM in my life, he almost shut down work of any kind and we almost lost our home as a result. I hope you won't allow that to happen in your case. Did I mention that my OM had a very successful career? Did I mention that my OM had talked about what a promising future I could have with him? It was tempting, to say the least, but that was not what really turned my to him in the beginning. It was the feeling of lonliness and lost intimacy in my MR. I had needs that were not being met. I was having a breakdown like MLC....even though I'm was almost 60! Guess you can have that to happen at any age too!

Don't excuse your W about "supporting the OM through his divorce".....she doesn't have any business supporting his needs or problems. She might as well send him a written invitation for an EA which will lead to a PA.

Read, read, and keep on reading the different threads here on this board. I would never have thought that I would have made as much progress as I have before coming to this board and these wonderful folks, who are now friends, helping me and encouraging me...and yes, giving it to me straight! That is exactly what I needed.

Let me know how things are going.

Sandi2

[Not Much Left]

Hey Marky Mark (I now nickname you Entourage for Mark Whalberg's show!) and Sandi!
Sandi, just wanted to say thanks for supporting the guys here with what you know about you crazy women!! JK


Just a quick comment. It is amazing to me that women look around for a guy for financial security AND in my case, it seems like when the W figures out she has enough dough to leave, they do? Point is, that yes, there are problems w/ having money and not having money, it is the mindset of what to do about the problems, not the money one way or the other. Did any of that make sense?