Are we piecing yet?

[Have Faith]

I'm so angry right now, I'm having problems concentration on the positives from yesterday. I don't even know if I want this marriage. Someone from my office just told me they saw my husband walking around downtown last night at 7:30 with the OW. I was golfing on my league and don't get home until 9:45. He told me he was downtown with people from work for a little while and then came home for the rest of the evening.

Right now I just want to tell him to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE AND LEAVE ME ALONE......I'm done. You can have her. I want to tell him to get his stuff and get out of the house. I'm moving on.

How I know why he touched me and held me last night. The guilt. I don't want to do this anymore!!!!!!

Faith

[Have Faith]

I told him it was time for me to move forward. He said he would move out next week. I told him to take the week-end to move out. He still wants to go golf with me on Sunday. Can you believe that. He also said "Once moved out, I think both you and I know what that will more then likely mean." I told him that if moving out would push him more to the OW, then we don't have much of a relationship to begin with and that we should stop prolonging the inevitable. He wrote back and said "Who said that moving out would deepen my realtionship with her? I never said that at all." He also said "I don't want to move out but maybe that will get me in the right direction."

I don't want him to move to his friends house either, but I think it is time for me to start detaching, again.

Question. Do I go ahead and golf with him on Sunday? He said that was at least one thing we shared where we had fun.

HELP.

Faith

[Concerned_Listener]

Faith,
No, do not golf with him. I don't think you're in a frame of mind for it to be constructive. Unless, you two have a conversation before than that clears the air.

Hopefully, this crisis will get you two moving in a positive direction. Maybe golf at some point will be what keeps you two connected.

CL

[Have Faith]

Thanks Concerned Listener

He did e-mail me back and asked if we could meet in the park for lunch. We work close to each other and have been having lunch once a week in the park together. So I met him.

I had calmed down before I got to the park and said prayers all the way there. I told him that I thought it was best for now that he move out so I could begin detaching. That he was on the fence and I need to get a life.

He said why couldn't you wait until after the 15th. WTF does the 15th have to do with it. He then reminded me that that was our 18 year anniversary of our first date. I told him that it had never meant anything to him before, so I didn't think it was a big event. Then get this. He asks me why we don't go on mini vacations, just the two of us. I have asked him SOOOOOO many times to do this and it never happens because of whatever excuse he happens to have that day. I reminded him of the last time I had suggest a week-end trip to one of three different places to be taken the end of May. Nothing happened. I told him that any future trips would have to be up to him and if I was available I might go.

I also told him that while I had seen lot of progress the first month he moved back home, I have not seen any in about 6 weeks. We'll see how the next couple of days go. I kept my cool and did not get all emotional. Just told him that he needs to come to some decisions over the next couple of months, get off the fence, and either sign the final D papers or commit to us. In the past he has talked me out of him moving out. I feel pretty strong about it this time.

Faith

[Have Faith]

Hello Everyone;

Ok so after the blow out yesterday, H came home from the gym a little late. His excuse was he had to get a prescription filled. We continued to talk about him moving out on Monday. He told me that he didn't want to move out, even though his e-mail said that he did. I just told him I thought it was for the best for now and that I needed to begin detaching. He appears now to be worried that when he finally gets his head out of his a@# that I might not be there for him. I told him that was a possibility. He told me that neither one of us would ever be able to detach because we had to much of a bond together. This surprised me as a couple of months ago he was ready to give up everything and move on. We don't even have children. I told him that we could still see each other, but not to be surprised if he saw me out and about with other people. If he could play this singles game, then so could I. He complained that he would be sleeping on an air mattress and living out of Walmart bags at his friends house. I told him that he could get an apartment, he didn't have to stay at his friends. He said NO that is too permanent. He didn't want an apartment. I also told him that this had to be a big stress relief to him as he would not have to lie (at least not to me) and hind his tracks anymore.

When we went to bed he was very touchy with me (he is not a touchy type of person) and spooned with me this morning before he got up. Maybe a little reality has sunk in. Don't know. Since we aren't bickering, perhaps I will play golf with him on Sunday. I know that the OW has told him that she has absolutly no interest in playing golf or learning how. She is a runner (which he does not like to do).

I'm ok with this new arrangement. I won't have to wonder where he is. I will be GAL. I have decided that since he doesn't wear his wedding ring, then I'm not going to wear mine anymore. What do the rest of you do. Do you wear your wedding ring or not?

I'm in good spirits for today.

Faith

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

I have read your sitch and I felt a need to comment -I don't do it often to many. It is amazing how our WAS just cannot kick the OP 'habit'. My H too came back to me THREE times total - this last one being the final (I hope for now).

It was not until I truly detached and started to show H how D was REALLY going to be that he 'got off the fence'. I think it was me moving on, this risk of losing us and the fact the OW was getting out of hand with her manipulations. It could have gone down a completely diff way if any of these things were different. It is kind of scary how our lives hang in this balance of things!

I did take my ring off towards the end - especially if I knew I going to be seeing him...

Only you know your H and how to be with him. Sometimes we have to go with what our gut says vs the DB'ing ways...

Just my two cents!
HB

[Have Faith]

Oh Heartbroker thank you so much for your input. I have read your entire sitch all along. I too felt a pull toward you because of the similarities. I was very upset for awhile when I did not see any more postings from your after he moved out again in May. So many times your pain was so close and real to me that I sat here and cried with you.

He tells me he doesn't want to move out. He will be staying with a friend and sleeping on the floor. I told him we could get him an apartment, but he says that is too permanent. I think he is so close to getting her out of our lives, but I have made life at home too easy. I have shown him what our marriage could be. It is now up to him. I can do no more. I continue to be kind and loving to him, but I really think that he needs some time out. He can be with her or not. I won't know and that is ok with me. I'm not snooping. I'm GAL and I'm happy and upbeat when he calls or we are together.

I think the rings off around him it probably what I will do. Somedays when I'm really angry I don't wear them at all. Other times I'm so sad if I don't wear them. Since he will be out of the house, I think that I will take them off any time around him.

Please do comment in the future. I hope that all is going well with you and your family. Are you still posting regularly on the Piecing forum? Your thread seems to have gone dead. That is good if it means all is well and moving in the right direction.

Take care

Faith

[LL44]

I don't think he does want to move out. At least you and H are in the same bed at night, my H sleeps on the couch (for months, his choice). Sounds like your H wants to be close to you in all this confusion.

My H is the same way, on the fence about moving out (even though I kicked him out for a bit when he confessed OW, he came back) and separating, stating it worries him that we will get even farther apart. Here's a clue, how about admitting the OW is definately making us farther apart? Oh no, let's just blame it on general problems, easier on H's conscience.

Awww the rings. H hasn't worn his in years and ironically my big diamond fell out the day before he confessed A. I joked to myself that while I was fixing my ring, maybe I could drop H off and have him repaired too. lol H took my ring in without me asking, and told me last week they called to say it was ready. I haven't gone to get it yet. Don't know exactly why.

Keep your chin up!! You are doing great!!!

[mkultra]

Hi Have Faith, It does sound like you are Piecing and hopefully your H will not move out. I know it sounds painful but I thought keeping the S home was critical to DBing? I am unsure, but I would feel the same about asking him to leave. I have difficulty preparing to see my H daily when he sees the kids. I complain about it a lot but then it is almost always pleasant for us to be a family then each night he vanishes off to God knows where after work. That is soooo creepy that he acts like an awesome friend and father then has a secret separate life with a willing partner in crime. Who are these women who lurk in the shadows?

[Have Faith]

lwb - You are correct, he does not want to move out. He has someone to make him dinner every night, do his laundry, and do his grocery shopping. Some one who is nice and is most of the time pleasant to him. We have a very nice home that we build together. But, I know it is time for a little reality. My husband hasn't been seeing much of OW, but they do correspond and they do see each other at the gym. I think if he moves out, this might knock him off the fence sooner.

mkultra - I have put my rings away for now and wear a beautiful ruby ring he gave me on my 50th b-day on my ring finger. I find it more comfortable then no ring at all.

I'm sorry that you have to endure your H going out after work. The "in your face" attitude was why I had to force my H to move out the first time. This time is different. I believe that having my H home for the last 12 weeks has worked wonders. He was afraid of what it would be like when or if he came back home. He has found out that it has been for the most part pleasant and we have really enjoyed each others company. No sex yet thought

I'm reading the book NOT Just Friends and it says these women are usually single, or have already detached from their husbands. What really makes me angry is that the OW tells my husband that she doesn't want to be the cause of a D. Of course, he tells her that she isn't the cause, that we were having problems b/4 he ever met her. Well, it would have been nice if he would have talked to me about our problems instead of her. Oh, and she is single, never been married and has no children.

Faith