Separated from WAW

[Not Much Left]

No free fall, why do you say that?
Ask yourself this question, "if what I am about to do or say is not going to help me or the R, why/dont do it". It may not work everytime, but I have found it does work most of the time.

See my post on the "devil and angel" moment I had. My C said that was a revelation and I should think about that a lot.

C

[dlt1]

Thanks CVA. My free fall is that I now believe W is going to give up this weekend. I feel like she gave up when she stopped wearing her rings. I don't know when that was, but within last 14 days b/c I recall looking in the ring dish and never seeing them before when I was at the house with dogs. I just fear she's going to call it quits and be doen with me.
Where is that devil/angel post? I remember reading it, but can't locate it now.
I have time to cool off, and sent C an e-mail about everything (did i say that before)? I do need to think about what I say helping or not. I'll try to hold off as long as she says she's going to continue to work.give it time, etc. I have some things written down of what I want to say. Will try to post soon and get feedback on good and bad points.
Today is teh second worst day of my life. It sux!

[Not Much Left]

page 8 of my thread starts with it and ends the "devil / angel on my shoulder bit"

[Heimlich]

Don't let the rings throw you off course. Just keep acting as if. Don't assume the worse. Yeah, it hurts and is an indication on our W's parts about how they feel about the M, but you knew that already, right? Ring off or on, does it really make a difference?

BD

[Nomopo]

dlt1 - i know you are hurting and I am sorry. You need some time away from W to let your emotions out. Grieve, hurt, mourn, cry, whatever. Go ahead and get it out, so when you have you can get back to dbing clearly.

You have to trust uis - the ring issue is not determinative of your M/R. It just isn't. Also understand that for many of us, the WAS will continue to pull further away for a while even after your start dbing. Be patient. They can still stop and turn around. You have to focus on you (take care of you) and (2) give her time and space. Really try to avoid any R talks. Do not bring up the rings. Don't do it. It will make things worse.

Hang in there,
Nomo

PS - It will get better (your hurt, that is), and it can be sooner than you think.

[dlt1]

Thank you!
Found it CVA, Ahhhhhh! the voices in my head.
I can't avoid the R talk this weekend. She brought it up b/c it is the end of the 30 day sep she agreed to. That's why my fear is building, b/c she wants to address it, and then the rings on top of it.
I need to regroup and act as if with teh positives (C and friendly hanging out time). I do have time to get this down.
I really appreciate everyone's support and feedback. Lord knows I need to hear s lot of these things 1000 times over. Thank you for your patience in pounding these ideas into my head! I guess this is the right place for patient people though. I gotta get some work done. Won't be able to check back until probably tomorrow. (Yes, I am addicted so i will probably find a way)!
You guys are great, and just turned my day around. Did I say thank you!?!

[Heimlich]

DL,
The R talk this weekend is a great chance for you to show your W the new, confident, GALing, non-clingy you. Listen, validate, let her know how you feel, but in a non-threatening, not desperate manner. You really WILL be ok. Actually, you'll be better than OK. You're on a path that will either 1) bring you and your W back together into an even stronger marriage or 2) allow you to grow to be strong enough to move on and be prepared to have a great relationship with someone else.

BD

[EAA]

My suggestion is to absolutely not push for the end of the separation. From what you've said, I don't think she'll be ready yet. But I also don't think she's ready to quit yet. So I think it's important that you do this when you speak to her: Be a blank slate. Don't think about what you're going to say at all. Let her talk and listen. I know, I know....You're already trying to plan the conversation in your head. Stop it. Have a few key things to say that will not make her feel guilty, that will not push, etc.

You can ask something like, "Is the separation helping you?"

And if she asks your opinion of the situation, you can say something like, "You already know I don't like being separated at all, and of course I don't WANT to be separated anymore. But it has given me a good chance to do some self examination. I can understand the importance of it for you. If you need more time, we'll take some more time and I'll keep working on myself."

By saying that, you're validating her feelings, you're being agreeable. And instead of coming out and saying, "I've changed!", you're telling her that you've opened your eyes to what she's seeing. It's still too early for her to believe you've "changed", so all you're doing is planting another seed.

If she seems receptive to what you're saying, but still wants to remain separated, you might ask her what she's hoping to accomplish. Be pleasant with this if you decide to ask. Make it a genuine question. If your tone of voice is wrong, she will take it wrong. If you can get it out in a cool tone, she will probably say something like, "I just need to figure out what I want." or something like that. Good. That's a chance for you to say, "I think it's important that we both have some goals. I hate to see the time wasted."

And, of course, be prepared for the worst. Don't lose your cool, should it happen to come. It's a tough situation. Just don't push or make her feel guilty. Remember that it's never too late. Keep DBing. It may have to get worse for you before it starts to get better for both of you.

EAA

[dlt1]

Again thank you! The ring issue is getting smaller and smaller for me today. I can't change that. It iis what it is. I'd like to know why, maybe she won;t have them on and I can ask. Have to remember to be the H she fell in love with. Fun, funny, confident, and then add the flavor of listener and be able to talk about my feelings calmly. Ah, yeah that's it. Sounds soooooooo simple. PLaying golf tonite and mtg friends afterwards. Time to relax and get away from the R thoughts. Whew! What a ride today.

[Nugget]

My .02. You are viewing the rings off her finger to be a sign of the end. You think that if she is not wearing them, then she is completely finished. Wedding bands are a symbol of marriage, of a loving and committed relationship between two people. Is that where you wife views herself today? It maybe that she is not wearing them, because they remind her of the emotional pain that they are tied to. It does not necessarily mean she is done, just that then bring too many painful memories of what they represent. Don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on the bigger picture and your goals. If you get tied up on assumption and tiny details, you will not be focusing on the bigger picture.

Best wishes. You are doing great, don't let the rings cause you to backslide. Heed the advice given to you above by EAA, Heimlich & Nomo.